@wearewatcher I Am Begging Y’all, Please Put The Puppet History Soundtrack On Spotify. There Are So

Okay I don’t know anything about birthstones but as someone with a December birthday it was so hilariously anticlimactic to scroll through all of these like “oh what cool reasoning, I wonder what mine will be” and then just see “Sure, zircon, whatever🤷” LMAO

Here is a potentially silly question: how do you feel about birthstones? Do you think they fit the months (by season or astrological sign)? Do you have other stones you'd rather see as birthstones?

Okay, so, birthstones make absolutely no sense.

I mean, look at this mess. We’re doing beryl and corundum twice! I get that they get Special Different Names for their Special Different Colors, but it's just lazy. And why are we giving some months cheap, common gemstones like garnet and amethyst while the poor June birthdays have to shell out tens of thousands of dollars for FREAKING ALEXANDRITE? That’s incredibly unfair! We should be picking birthstones that are all roughly the same price. And why do some months get multiple gemstones? I’ll tell you why: because nobody can agree on an official list and every attempt to standardize this thing has just added MORE birthstones to every month.

So obviously the answer is to standardize it again, by throwing out everything and starting over. Here are our goals:

Fair pricing. You should be paying roughly the same amount regardless of what month you were born in. We’re getting rid of those ridiculous outliers like diamond and alexandrite.

More customization potential! Nobody should be stuck with a stone they hate. We’re picking gemstones that come in multiple colors or varieties, so that everyone can choose a variant they like.

Wearability. Some birthstones are too fragile to be worn as jewelry. We need to replace them with stronger stuff.

No more duplicate gemstones. Every month gets a stone or family of stones with a unique chemical composition.

Now without further ado, I present to you:

The New And Improved List Of Birthstones With No Problems Or Flaws That Everyone Will Definitely Agree On And We Can Start Using Right Now Immediately

JANUARY: GARNET

I've got no problem with garnet. It's a fine, classic birthstone, so January can keep it. But I would like to see a little more garnet diversity. January birthdays shouldn’t be confined to just red. The garnet family of minerals contains a rainbow of different colors, like orange hessonite, green uvarovite, pink rhodolite, yellow grandite, and many more. They’re all garnet, so we should be wearing them all!

FEBRUARY: QUARTZ

The original birthstone of February was amethyst, which is… kinda boring. Super cheap and common and you only get one color? No, we can do better. February gets ALL the quartzes now. Keep wearing amethyst if you want, but also feel free to branch out into clear quartz, citrine, rose quartz, smoky quartz, rutilated quartz, tiger eye… actually, take all the agates too. If it’s quartz, it’s yours!

MARCH: SPODUMENE

March was originally aquamarine, but I’ll be giving all the beryls to May, so we need a different stone here. Let’s stick with that theme of pale pastels and go with spodumene. For an April birthday, bedeck yourself in green hiddenite, pink kunzite, or yellow triphane. Despite its subtle colors, your birthstone has some amazing fluorescence, with really cool pinks and oranges under a UV light.

APRIL: FELDSPAR

Diamond is too pricy for this list, so we’re replacing it with something less expensive and way more interesting. April will now be represented by the feldspar family. We’re talking labradorite, moonstone, amazonite, aventurine, and sunstone. While you don’t have much variety in color, your stones are full of shimmery schiller which glitters and shifts as it catches the light.

MAY: BERYL

May’s original birthstone was emerald, which is great and can stay, but we’re also adding its siblings! May is now represented by all beryls: Emerald, Aquamarine, Morganite, Bixbite, Heliodor, Goshenite, and whatever other varieties I’m forgetting to list. A bright and saturated rainbow of colors is represented here, so everyone born in May is sure to find something they like.

JUNE: ORGANIC GEMSTONES AND FOSSILS

It’s time to address the alexandrite in the room, and obviously we’re getting rid of alexandrite. A stone worth $15,000 to $70,000 a carat does not belong on the same list as friggin amethyst. Instead we’ll look at the other traditional June birthstone, pearl. The problem with pearl is that it’s a clear outlier in this list. An organic gemstone, by some definitions not even a mineral. Should we replace it? NO. We are OWNING it. All organic gemstones now belong to June. Pearl is joined here by jet, amber, coral, ivory, ammolite, petrified wood… in fact, June can have every fossil ever.

JULY: SPINEL

July was originally represented by ruby, which is a fine stone and won’t be kicked off the birthstone list - we’re just shuffling it down to September. Replacing ruby for July is spinel. (See, it’s funny because historically spinel has often been mistakenly identified as ruby! That's a little gemology humor for you.) Available in any hue you could possibly desire, spinel offers some nice color options to a month that previously only featured red. Of course if you want to keep wearing red, red spinel mimics ruby so well that you’ll barely notice the difference.

AUGUST: PERIDOT

Nope, we’re not changing this one. Peridot is the ideal gemstone and you ungrateful August whiners can die mad about it. HOW ABOUT YOU LEARN TO APPRECIATE PERFECTION

SEPTEMBER: CORUNDUM

Sapphire is a wonderful, classic stone and it deserves its spot on this list. But the corundum family has been separated for far too long, and we’re finally going to reunite them. Joining sapphire in September is its sister ruby. Between the pinks and reds of ruby and the many, many colors of sapphire, these two stones give September a nice variety of colors.

OCTOBER: TOURMALINE

Look, as gorgeous as opal is and as much as I love it, it is both way too pricy for our list and also TERRIBLE in jewelry. This stone is just too brittle to wear around from day to day and can be ruined just by getting it wet, which makes wearing your birthstone a huge hassle. We’ll kick opal out and hang on to October’s other traditional birthstone, tourmaline. Pink tourmaline may be classic, but this stone comes in plenty of other colors. Whether it’s brown dravite, watermelon elbaite, or the rare and beautiful blue indicolite, you can wear them all!

NOVEMBER: TOPAZ

November can keep topaz, but we’re not confining it to the color yellow. This stone comes in a huge variety of colors, and now they can ALL represent November. No further notes; it’s a nice, classic stone.

DECEMBER: ZIRCON

I dunno, I’ve had to come up with 12 of these, I’m burnt out. Sure, zircon, whatever.

“BUT WAIT,” you say. “Now instead of having a single color assigned to each month, almost every month is represented by almost every color, making it impossible to tell anyone’s birthstones apart and removing what made them special and recognizable as symbols!”

Well CLEARLY you didn’t read the title of this list.

Donna’s such a hater, love her

Me: I am mentally and physically disabled and therefore am not capable of working as much or as hard as most people. I need to remember this and not push myself too hard.

My body after a long day: *collapses from physical and emotional exhaustion after I’ve pushed myself too hard*

Me: 😲????? Who could have foreseen this😲😲😲😲?????

I’ve been exercising to help my fatigue, unfortunately I keep pushing myself too hard and worsening my joint pain…. which then makes my fatigue worse.

BUT it’s okay because if I need more energy, I can just exercise! Again! And if I injure myself again and my fatigue gets even worse, it’s okay, because if I need help with my fatigue, I can just EXERCISE!!! And then if my joints get worse because of that and I get more fatigue, it’s okay, because I can just EXERCISE MORE, AND—

Yeah I’m sure sex is cool and all but have you tried watching someone else’s favorite movie with them. Have you noticed them sneaking glances at you every few minutes so they can see your reactions. Have you felt them grab your hand in the middle of a scene and braced yourself because oh, something big’s about to happen on screen. Have you tried turning to them right after the big plot twist because oh my god, just for them to give you a look that says I know, right? Have you tried laying on the couch for hours after the credits roll, going through every scene together with a fine tooth comb. Have you tried watching the sparkle in their eyes as they go on and on about metaphors, and focal points, and genre bending masterpieces.

Like blowjobs sound so awesome bro they sound so great, but have you tried the intoxicating experience of someone handing you a piece of media that irrevocably changed them as a person. Have you felt the utter joy of knowing someone trusts you enough to hand you a piece of their heart. Sex is cool but you gotta try watching Perfect Blue with the person you love most in the world and losing your goddamn minds together, because I can promise you there’s nothing like it.

Anyway don’t be like me, listen to your body and take breaks when you need to. That goes for stuff other than exercising too, like if you’re doing any type of activity and you feel your brain and body start to be like “heeeeeeeey can we slow down?” That’s a sign that you should take a breather, or dial it back, or whatever. Knowing how and when to listen to your body is your most important tool to manage your symptoms.

It’s also an important tool to help you like. Be a happier, chiller person.

Yet again stuck in the pattern of

Works out to help my fatigue -> experiences joint pain because I was too rough -> takes a day to rest because of my joint pain -> experiences fatigue because I haven’t been working out -> works out to help my fatigue -> becomes the chronically ill equivalent of Sisyphus, trapped in a self inflicted loop of being tired and achey all the time

Dude for real though your worth as a human being is not dependent on how productive or “useful” you are. You could do nothing but lay in bed all today and you’d still be worthy of respect and care. Bro you are a living breathing human being and your life has inherent value. Like straight up you don’t have to do something impossible or world changing with your time on earth in order for you to matter. We are all specks of dust in the cosmos and the fact that you exist at all means you are important. Dude you don’t have to earn the right to live bro, like I swear bro, like no cap.

Another mouse except I ✨don’t like✨ this one

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There are not enough sexy drawings of cryptids. Where is the Loveland Frogman with abs? Where is the Fresno Nightcrawler as a nervous little twink? Where is mothman’s dick???