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Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. 

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. 20 NOV 2016

Life Among Ducks turned 1 today! 7 JAN 2018

Before Dawn

Why did I have to wake up at exactly 0555 this morning?!? I didn’t get to sleep until after 2300 hours last night.

11 JAN 2017

Lessons from the mat..

I sat on the mat for quite some time imagining that I was a tree. We walked afterwards but I had instinctively known that it was time as I was starting to come back to just being a human leaning against a tree.

After walking, my friend came in sometime afterwards. I had nervous energy running through me. I imagined that I was letting go and releasing the energy. I was grounding myself.

I also had lots of thoughts about my twin friend. I still wished that they would come back into my life but that I do not control them.. only myself.. so I wished them the best and continued on with my meditation.

I felt my hands get heavy while I was grounding. I also had imagined that my energy had sprouted from my head and was flowing freely and swinging along like a thick mop of hair. It made me smile at the time.

The world is a hamster wheel. I am grateful that I can take time to sit in solitude every week to remind myself that life is a hamster wheel. I need to take time to appreciate my life and where I am and how I am living.

1 June 2017

Cabin Fever Time

Things I wish my support team would do in times of crisis:

Question my motives i.e. “Why do you think it’s a good idea to start school after five years and especially so soon after being hospitalized?”

Remind me to look at the bigger picture: “What is next semester’s book budget in addition to this semester’s budget?”

Use ‘I’ statements: “I understand the situation to be that you want to go back to school using your GI Bill because you do not want to be a financial burden on your loved ones.”

Remind me that things will be okay and that life will be different in five minutes! This is my personal mantra and I forget it when I am in meltdown “snotty from crying so hard” mode.

9 Jan 2017

vacation sunrise | 17 March 2017

why.. hello, friend

I’ll attempt a tumblr on life now I’ve been diagnosed. It’s taken a while to understand what exactly is my diagnosis due to the length of time it’s taken me to get back to me. The discharge paperwork just mentioned psychosis but nothing else related to schizophrenia or schizophreniform.

I’m not sure if that is the experience most people go through in civilian hospitals or if that’s just the special treatment that veterans receive.  7 JAN 2017

Around the tree, down the way, up comes bunny, hooray, hooray!

on making paracord bracelets | 27 NOV 2016

27 DEC 2017

I dreamed that I was stationed in Alpha Company during my psychosis and I was back in Headquarters Company for whatever reason.

I ran into McCants and they wondered where the hell I had been.. that I had disappeared off the rosters. I told them that I had been working retail and had been diagnosed with schizophrenia. From that, I guess they surmised that I needed help and began setting up a chow station.

I mentioned that the medication that I take (Risperidal) has made me gain 50lbs. They are horrified and I take that as a renewed sense to do PT after not exercising for a very long time.

I also recall trying to shine my non-Airborne boots because some officer was coming and my uniform looked “chewed up from the floor up.”

Time to shape up with yoga and walking every day

Time to start putting polish on my worn out boots

Important higher-ups are coming

Old colleagues have wondered where the hell I’ve been these past years.. time to gather them around and tell them the truth about my diagnosis

Time to start working on getting my voice out there and doing the work of advocacy

If some are still dominated by their former bad habits, and yet can teach by mere words, let them teach... for perhaps, being put to shame by their own words, they will eventually begin to practice what they teach.

Saint John Climacus, Step 26: Discernment | Ladder of Divine Ascent 15 NOV 2016