3 Edges Tonight:

it was a bad day

I’m trying something new. My default reaction to unfavorable outcomes is to damage control the bad emotions quickly and put as much distance from the situation as possible. To me, the negative emotions that I may experience are ephemeral, and if I just give myself enough time, they will naturally resolve with minimal effort. I imagine that’s why I have such a difficult time viewing journaling as an effective coping method. It immortalizes a bad experience when all I want to do is forget about it.

With that said, I think there are some valuable things to gain from doing it, so I want to attempt it here. Today was a bad day. Realistically, I think there have been various bad events recently that aggregated to make today feel really shitty.

1) I was rejected from Stanford and Boston University. At no point in this process did I think that I would get accepted to Stanford so I was mostly unfazed by the rejection. Boston University, however, did feel within my reach so getting that email stung a little more.

2) there’s been this relentless feeling of having so many restrictions/limitations on doing the things that I want. Between frequently getting held up at work, the days being shorter, needing to balance my time between friends, family, and my boyfriend, I just get the overwhelming sense that there aren’t enough hours in the day. 3) I feel like I should be improving in so many aspects of my life, but I’m not. I told myself that once I was done with my secondaries, my schedule would just open up and I’d be able to do all the things that I’d set aside in favor of prioritizing medical school. And yet here I am with no secondaries to do but still feeling like I’ve made no measurable progress in certain arenas of my life. (2 and 3 feel related)

4) I continue to struggle with getting my relationship with my sister to a place that I’m happy and comfortable with. Because of that, time devoted to her and my nephew sometimes leave me feeling agitated. This agitation can then extend to my parents. 5) I went in for my annual physical and I got my covid booster and flu shot. The shots in combination wrecked me and left me feeling physically ruined for about 48 hours. After the aches and pains subsided though, I developed a sore throat that has been lingering. Mild enough to not be debilitating but significant enough to annoy me. It’s not the end of the world, but thinking that I may be sick during the Orlando trip is probably upsetting me more than I want to admit. 6) I broke a nail and I got a hole in one of my favorite shoes 😕

All of these things in combination resulted in me reacting poorly to a rather trivial situation this morning. While I was on the phone with my boyfriend during my commute, my mom called to do our morning check in. I answered her and she proceeded to vent some of her frustrations about my sister and her divorce. The conversation was brief and I quickly called my boyfriend back. I had it in my mind that I would tell him the details and he would weigh in on the situation with his opinion. Especially considering that last night we didn’t get a chance to talk about some of the things that I wanted to. But the conversation was steered in a different direction and I found myself frustrated at how asymmetric the conversation felt. At the time, I was simmering in my frustration, unable to redirect the conversation to a place that I was happier with, withdrawing more and more as time went on.

At the time, I blamed the outcome of the conversation on my boyfriend’s personality, citing that his ability to mobilize his thoughts quicker than me allowed for him to dominate a conversation and fill it with endless thoughts of his own choosing. Now I realize that while that may be true, it’s hardly the entire picture. A conversation doesn’t end like that because he can think of more to say in a quicker timeframe. It ends like that because I never make it known to him that I have something that I want to say. No person, not even the love of my life, is responsible for knowing what I want at any given time. It is my responsibility to make what I want known. The difficulty that I have with being able to ask for what I want is a different beast and one that I’ll be saving for a different journaling attempt. But for now, I’m happy to have identified something that needs improvement.

So it was a bad day. But I’m glad that it was because it means that we have work to do. But it also proved that the two of us are in this together to do that work. That is exactly the kind of relationship I want ♥️❤️

I never really saw the appeal of gags until meeting you. I think I shied away from them because of the uncontrollable drooling aspect, which gets messy. But now I realize how much I love being reduced to a mess for you. It feels humiliating? Degrading? (Still parsing out the differences on those ones) but it feels like one of those things and I love it. I don’t know when I became so addicted to being your toy.

Yes to the ring gag. I always want you to have as much access to me as possible. I also think the visual component of seeing my tongue is something you like. So the question is when are we getting one?

I need this gag

I think I remember you telling me at some point that you don’t find boobs (or really any part of the body) inherently arousing. Which makes me think that you’re less aroused by the body itself and more by the position that the body is in. So let’s make a slight modification to this:

*I send you pics of me kneeling with my tongue out and my hand in between my legs and you send me whimpering audios of you jerking yourself off to it.

Date idea: I send you pics of my boobs and you send me whimpering audios of you jerking yourself off to it.

This post single handedly convinced me to wear more skirts and dresses when I’m with you.

Hey *with the intention of grabbing your hand and sliding it underneath my skirt so you can feel how wet I am*

I want this. Badly. I think at first it would just be me putting on a show for you but by the end I would be doing it because I want it

If I thought that you’d be able to stay focused in your meetings, I would probably do this more often 👹

Deskpet but in a non sexual way, so you sit there under their desk and between their legs, resting your head on their lap, peacefully sleeping while they play/work and getting head rubs/kisses when they need extra support or a break...

I’ve had this thought before 😈

pretty

It’s just like the watermelon challenge 👹

I wanna make him remove my panties with his teeth while he struggles to keep his hands behind his back.