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I think I understand the patients of plague doctors and "barbers". Because if a Doctor from the 1910's came to my home and told me to drink my heroin while an 18th century scholar melts some metal to pour in my ear. I'd be like: "will it make the pain go away?", and then they'd look at each other and go like: "totally, we're experts", and I'd say: "proceed!", and then I'd be dead. But my ear wouldn't hurt anymore!

So basically my question is:

How to ear infection?

How to pain?

Halp?

My common law wife and I made soft plans to elope, Did some dishes, she gave me a massage for my chronic pain, which hurt so good it turned me on, which turned her on, so the massage turned into us fucking like it's not a Tuesday in the middle of the day and then she brought me an ice cold glass of water with a straw!!!

Is this... domestic bliss?

I struggle with:

ADHD & neurospicy-nes

Rejection sensitive dysphoria

Possible Autism diagnosis is on the bacckburner for an indefinite period of time.

Depression

Borderline personality disorder

And being told "you can't"

My response to you can't is: "watch me"

And that usually leads to me crashing and burning in spectacular fashion.

Ya llego ✨✨✨

Hi i um.. i'm trying to compartmentalize my trauma dumps away from my fandom shit so... yeah... I'm here to vent.

To: The "biOLoGiCaL iMpErAtiVe" that causes my body to torture me montly with bloddy pain for having the gall to eschew "mOtHeRhOd". To the "HeAvEnLy WrAtH" which punishes me for my dogged refusal to bring forth hideous progeny into the hideous mortal realm I was forced to inhabit.

I took some pain killers. Now what? Not so tough now, are you? Bring it on. If all it takes to defy god is tylenol, Imma make it a habit. Bitch.

I hate the spring

Because it smells like a schoolyard, like a rubber band about to snap, like unreachable expectations. I reeks of change and hope that sours like milk in the sun. It smells like an wild animal about to pounce on its vulnerable pray.

It makes me nauseous, it wets my socks, it burns my eyes and It looms over me like the inevitable end of all that is good.

Honestly, i have 0 trust in Christian priests. Like, these mfs literally read the whole ass fuckin' Bible and had no problem with it? Decided to preach it even? Suspicious.

At night my brain goes:

Concious me: I need to do [thing that is important but I forgot what it is] before tomorrow!

ADHD: You don't have the spoons to do [thing]

CONCIOUS ME: I'll be the judge of that! I can totally manage my spoons responsibly when I know what I need to get done. Just tell me what the task is.

ADHD: How did you forget! it's so important!

CONCIOUS ME: I didn't forget, we forgot!

ADHD: So it's my fault that you can't remember important things *cries in self hatred & RSD*

CONCIOUS ME: fuck. So brain is out of commission. How the fuck do I remember the thing I have to do!?

* Beloved Gf attempts interaction*

ADHD BRAIN & CONCIOUS SELF SIMULTANIOUSLY: Excuse me, could you not interrupt us when we're in the middle of an (invisible, silent and completely imperceptible) argument! Can't you see the (invisible, silent and completely imperceptible) crisis I'm experiencing!?

BELOVED GF: says anything... literally anything

ADHD: She hates us. She hates me and she tolerates you. And we are inextricably linked. Would that it were so easy to kill me! Would that I could die to let you live!! *melodramatic hand gestures*

CONCIOUS SELF: *to ADHD* oh shit, do you really think that!?

CONCIOUS SELF: *to self* No, we talked about this. She doesn't want to hurt you.

CONCIOUS SELF: *proceeds to freak out at beloved GF*

Sex is wholesome.

Tell me I'm wrong. Go ahead!

You can't! I'm dying on this hill!