I Want To Die. My Life Isn't Even That Bad Right Now, Days Go By Fine. But Being In My Body And Mind

What do I have to do to attract a yandere?? Do I have to summon them with a ritual, bring a sacrifice??

Gonna fast till Thursday noon. Right now it's only almost at hour 10, but gotta push thru it.

I wish I knew what he thought of me. What thought come into his head when he glides his gaze over me? I would even want to know if it's bad, it's better than living in the unknown, I could change if possible and I could use the sadness to cut myself.

If only I could read his mind, better yet control it.

Funny how this is supposed to be the best time of my life, but I spend 97% of it being miserable, crying and hoping something would change, knowing that nothing ever will and that it will only get worse from now.

I went to practice driving w my dad for the first time and when I came home it turned out we had a lot of bananas that were gonna go bad soon so I made bananabread out of over 30 bananas. Tried out like 5 different recipes. Only bad thing is I got work early tomorrow and I slept little last night aswell so tomorrow might be a hard one.

Gotta hate it when the hunger gets so suffocating you just start to dryly sob.

Actually ended up having an amazing day and will continue to do so. And then an amazing week and month.

Ffs obviously my mother enters the room next to me just a little while before I planned to start cutting. I can't risk her walking in to me cutting myself. She asked me how I was and I told her so and so. And she told me that she misses the girl who would enjoy being sometimes and asked how she could change my current situation. I do put in effort to not show how bad I feel to my parents, I suppress my tears, screams and breakdowns, but I guess that's not enough. I have to start smiling, being happy and joyful. I don't know if I can.

Also now I'll have to cut myself in the school bathroom tomorrow which is like 2 times harder than at home, I wish I was good at cutting myself, but I can't do anything right.

When my mom said, it can't be that tiring it's everyday life, that cut deep.

Just had my first cognitive psychology test. Now I'll go and buy myself a treat. And by a treat I mean a whip to get myself in order.