Redefining A Relationship?

Redefining a Relationship?

I want to start this update with a thank you to everybody who wrote in to me to talk about their opinions on my boyfriend, and his behavior towards me lately after I mentioned it in my last post.

A lot of you were on the same page as each other, and a couple of you even had some words of advice/caution for me.

Many people said similar things, but one note in particular had a real impact on my thinking for the past week or so.  I won’t say who it was, because they didn’t give me permission to mention them, but here is the gist of what they said:

First of all, be careful. I am playing with fire here.  There are a couple of reasons why my boyfriend acted the way he did towards me, and they all mean I need to be careful, and I should talk through things with him more.  

1-  He may be scared.  Scared of what this has all turned into, and whether it may have gone too far for him.  He might be scared that he can’t tell me he is uncomfortable with things because he he thinks that I might leave him if he were to speak up.

2-  He may be getting angry at me.  Angry that this whole thing started out as his fantasy, and of late, he hasn’t gotten much of the attention, because it’s all been directed to finding/going out with/fucking Alex.  If I withhold details, it could make for more resentment, which would make this sort of lifestyle significantly less hot for both of us.

3-  He may actually LIKE the idea of me holding back some of the details.  Maybe he does think the not knowing is hotter than actually knowing.  Maybe his imagination of what I am capable of doing is hotter than me telling him what I actually plan to do.

4-  Maybe it was a power thing.  Maybe - while I was just joking around with him - he saw it as me taking more control in our relationship, and his reaction was just something he said because he was surprised.  That could be “good surprised”, or “bad surprised”, but I wouldn’t know until I talked it through with him.

So… I thought about it a couple of days.  I thought, and thought… And went around with “what ifs” a while.  These days, my boyfriend acted pretty normal toward me.  He wasn’t moping,or crying, but he wasn’t jubilant and excited either.  He was actually pretty neutral.  (Side note here - for all the guys that say that women are impossible to read, let me just say that trying to tell if you have crossed a line or not with your boyfriend when you sleep around and tell friends about it- is 10 times harder than reading any lady’s body language or subtle clues to see how she’s feeling). I decided that before I talked to my boyfriend directly about this, I wanted to get another opinion…

On my lunch break, I called Shauna.  “Hello, Shauna? Can you meet me for a drink? I have some things I need advice about”. She couldn’t that day, she said that she had already made plans, but the next day she was in.  That night I was confused, and worried, and I’m sure I was over-thinking things.  It didn’t help that Alex texted me that night too.  He just said “hey, are you busy tonight?”  I didn’t answer.  I felt like I owed it to my relationship to get some answers before I did anything more with Alex. I was sure he will get by without me somehow…

So Shauna and I met the next day for happy hour.  I did tell my boyfriend before hand that I was meeting her.  I tried to gauge his reaction…  “Ok, cool.” That’s it? Yup.  Not much there.  Angry? Casual?  Excited?  I couldn’t honestly tell.  Shauna and I sat down, and I she immediately asked me about Alex… How did it go? Did I sleep with him? Did I like it? What did my boyfriend say about it?  I answered everything honestly.  I wanted her advice, so I told her the truth.  Until that last question about how my bf reacted.

I told her what I said, and what how he reacted… And how he didn’t push for details, even though I could tell it was killing him.  The question was why was it killing him?  Shauna thought about it for a while, and asked me what I thought.  I figured that I would just give her my list of 4 major possibilities listed above.  But then… I sorta made a little mistake…  I said “Well, most people seem to think that…”  That’s as far as I got before she interrupted me. “Wait, ‘most people?’ what do you mean?  Who else knows about you two?”  I was stuck.  I didn’t really have a reasonable story to cover the ‘most people’ slip up.  She asked again, “like more than 3 or 4?”  I could feel myself blushing a little bit.  “Yeah, I guess you could say that” I managed to say, but that only confused her more.  “Ten? Twenty? Fifty?  ‘Most’ of how many?”  I felt like the longer I let it go, the harder it would be to come clean later.  “Ok, this is going to sound weird, but I sorta have a blog.”  “A blog? About this? Get the fuck out?!”  All o could do was smile sheepishly and feel my cheeks turn red again.  She pulled out her phone immediately.  “What’s the address?”  After a couple minutes of trying to avoid doing so, and realizing that she wasn’t taking ‘no’ for an answer, I told her.  Funny thing is…  She has her own Tumblr.  And I gained another follower, right there as I was sitting at a bar with her.  So…  Hey Shauna… Welcome to the blog side of things too…

It’s a strange feeling knowing that somebody I actually know is going to be reading this.  I’m not sure how I feel about that yet… But I digress…

So, then I told her… About my/all of your theories as to why my boyfriend acted the way he did towards me.  At the end of it all, we made a couple decisions together:

The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him, or do anything that would make him think I was leaving him.  I had to prepare myself for the very real possibility that #1 above may have been true.  If it was, I told myself that I had to stop.  With everything. The other guys, the dating, the blog… Everything.  If he was legitimately unhappy or scared about this, I was done.  I was ready for the end of everything, and just going back to being me and my bf.

I needed to make sure the he knew I was willing to tell him those details I withheld before, I wasn’t actually lying to him by omission, and I had to make sure that he knew I was just trying to be playful with him, not a bitch.  I had to make it clear to him that I don’t want to drive him away by excluding him.

I had to prepare myself for the alternative too… What if he liked it?  What would that mean?  Should I withhold more details from him?  Should I tease him with the details over a longer period of time, just to watch him squirm?  What if he actually LIKED it when I was a little bit bitchy to him?

Shauna and I finished up with our drinks, and paid.  I thanked her for listening, and she thanked me for letting her in on the blog.  I drove home.  On my way, I called my bf, and asked him if he could come over, because I wanted to talk to him about something.  He agreed, but said that he had to drop off something at the post office before it closed, and he would head over after that.  (Again… hard to read…  Blowing me off? Completely innocent?)

Before he got there, I decided that I was going to make this night about him.  If it was true that he was feeling neglected recently, I was going to make sure he didn’t leave feeling that same way.  I went upstairs, and changed out of my work clothes, and into something more casual, but still a little flirty.  I just wore a pair of black and purple running shorts, and a white tank top.  I actually changed my bra too - to a black lacy one - and made sure it was visible on my shoulder, because I know that drives him crazy.  I pulled my hair back into a ponytail, and went downstairs to start cooking.

I honestly had no idea what to make.  I didn’t have a plan until I looked through my fridge.  Had I known that morning that I was going to be making a spontaneous “impress the boyfriend” meal, I probably would have gone and got some steak or something.  I had none of that….  Soooo…  I had to improvise.  Ground beef?  Cheese? Sour cream? Tortillas?  Who doesn’t love some romantic tacos?  Ehhh… It wasn’t going to be the best, but it would do.

I was about 10 min away from being done cooking when he got to my place.  He came in, and asked what I was making.  We’re tacos alright?  “Yeah, sure”. (Again… Reading his thoughts about all this was either a complete exercise in futility, or me way over-analyzing things)

I got him a beer, and told him to relax on the couch until dinner was done cooking.  He did, and came over to the kitchen when I called him.  We each made a couple of super-delicious tacos, and sat down to eat.  I came right out and said it.  “I want to talk to you about a few things, and I need you to be completely honest with me, ok?”  He agreed.  “Are you upset at me?  About anything?”  He said no, and looked genuinely confused as to why I would ask.  I supposed that was a good start…  

I kept going…  “What about that other night, when you clammed up when I told you that asking about Alex was too personal?” He answered that he just assumed I didn’t want to talk about it.  I asked him, if that were actually the case - how would he feel about that answer?  He said it drove him crazy (I could tell) but he wasn’t mad.  I asked why.  “Because, I want you to do whatever you want to do with him” 

“But I thought you got turned on by hearing about what I do with other guys”. He assured me that he did, but that he is equally turned on by me knowing I have the power to do whatever I want, with whoever I want, and not feel like I need to be answerable to anybody for it, including him.  He would love to hear about it, but that was 100% my decision of and when I wanted to tell him, and that he was completely fine with that.  Hmmm.  Well that was interesting.  At this point, I felt pretty confident that we weren’t going down the path of option #1.

“So, what if I told you that it was ridiculously hot, and I’m absolutely going to fuck him again?”  He blushed, and looked down into his half eaten tacos.  Pretty sure we can throw out option #2 as well.  He didn’t look up at me for a few seconds… I could see his face was red.  He liked it.  We are definitely looking at a #3 or #4 scenario here…  I decided to push it further.  Just to see what his reaction would be.

“And…” I paused for a second. “he has a really big dick”. He groaned, loudly.  Bingo.  That was all I needed.  I stood up, and walked over to him, and sat on his lap, straddling him, with my arms around his shoulders.  He still wasn’t looking me in the eye, but I could see his cheeks were flush, and I could feel his cock was hard in his pants.  “Look at me” he glanced up at me for a second, but then away. “No, LOOK at me” I said again, and started to slowly grind my hips into his crotch.  He looked up again, and this time, held eye contact with me.  I just stared into his eyes. He looked back at me. My hips worked the front of his pants.  “I’m gonna fuck his big cock again… Whenever I want to… And if you are good, I’ll tell you about it, ok?”  He but his lip, and his eyes closed, he nodded, and I swear he must have been purple he was blushing so hard.

I climbed off of him. And pulled him by the hand towards the stairs.  Half of the tacos were still uneaten, but what the hell… They were just tacos… On the way upstairs, I saw my phone on my coffee table.  I stopped, turned around, went back, and grabbed it.  “I want to show you something” said, and opened up my text message screen as I came back and led him upstairs.  I laid him on my bed, and showed him the text from Alex from a few days before.  If he would have paid closer attention, he would have seen the date, but he just saw the text, and the name on top, and that was enough.  “What do you think?  Should I go over there tonight?”  I asked him, snatching my phone back from him, and putting it on my dresser.  He didn’t say anything, just stared back at me…  So I teased him.

I pulled my tank top over my head and tossed it aside.  “Should I ask him to bring his motorcycle over here and fuck me here tonight?”  He groaned again.  I pulled off my shorts, and crawled up onto the bed, straddling him again, in only my underwear, and pushed him back onto my pillow.  His eyes were closed.  His mouth was closed, and he was breathing rapidly through his nose.  “It’s all my decision, isn’t it?” He nodded again, quickly, without opening his eyes. Mmmm.  What a rush.  Power. Adrenaline.  Wetness.  I pulled his hands to my hips, and held them there as I started to grind on him again.  “Look at me”

He looked up at me, and I stopped moving my hips on him.  I wanted him to focus on what I was saying, not what I was doing.  “Well, my decision is to fuck you tonight.  A lot”. I leaned down, and kissed him.  He kissed back.  

The sex was good.  Honestly, not the best- but pretty good.  I think I had him too worked up, because he didn’t last very long the first time.  But the second time was better, and so was the third.  I wanted him to know that I wanted it to be about him that night.  I wanted to make sure he knew that even if I made all the decisions with regard to our sex lives, he was still very much a part of it.  And in pillow talk between fucking, I made sure to tell him that if he is ever, ever, uncomfortable about anything, then the only way I will be mad at him is if he doesn’t speak up.  (I still have a little soft spot… So sue me)

The next day, at work, he texted me.  “You were amazing last night”. It made me smile.  (Yeah, we are looking at #3 or 4 for sure by now…) At the same time, I knew that he didn’t want me to answer with something stupid like, “you were too babe, love you, xoxo”. So I just wrote back, “I know”.  He said “It is so hot to picture my girlfriend as a hot little nympho”. And then, right there, at work, I got an idea. I texted him back, “thanks. You just gave me a great idea for A Halloween costume this weekend”

You guys remember Karissa?  Remember how I said she has a good house for parties?  Well, Halloween was no exception.  She told me the week before that she and her roommates were planning on hosting again this year, and I said that of course I was coming, and would bring my bf too.  She was fine with that, of course.  So… I was going, I just had to figure out the costume thing.

Id like to take a minute here for a minute to say another thank you to all of you guys who suggested costume ideas for me and my boyfriend.  There were a lot of interesting ideas.  Cop and prisoner, angel and devil, soccer player and referee… and about 10 other combinations that I’m sure I’m forgetting.  So thank you all.  My favorite was actually a biker chick.  I was almost sure I was going to go as a biker chick, and I had plans to buy myself a fake leather jacket, chaps, skull t-shirt, gloves, and sunglasses… But by the time I had thought it out, it was Friday night, and I hadn’t bought anything yet, so when my be said “nympho” I just thought… “Yeah, I could pull that off”, and changed my mind right there.

He wanted to know what my idea was, but I didn’t answer him right away.  Mostly because I didn’t know exactly how I was going to accomplish it yet.  How do you dress like a nympho?  Super slutty everything?  Hang on every guy I see?  While that may be fun, I didn’t want to do anything overt like that.  I needed to figure out a way to make it more subtle.  How do you make a nympho more subtle?  I thought about it for a while, and when I got home from work, I opened my closet, and started pulling out old Halloween attire to see what I could put together.

I was having a hard time.  I don’t have anything overtly slutty in my wardrobe.  I know that may come as a shock to some of you, but I do have somewhat of a reputation to uphold.  I was a bit upset… I actually came really close to saying screw it, and going to Hot Topic or something to fake a biker chick outfit at the last minute, when I thought of a way to pull it off.  A nympho? How about just a nymph?  That could be easy… It was subtle-ish.  I had an old hippie Halloween costume that I wore about 4 or 5 years ago for Halloween, and there was a flower belt, and some flower leggings with that.  I figured I could just use those. I also had a pink flower-y looking waist belt, and a green dress.

A forrest nymph… Why not?  I decided I was going for it.  I just needed some kind of wings, and maybe a wand or something.  I will readily admit, that it wasn’t my best costume of all time, but it worked.  I called my boyfriend, and told him what he was going to be for Halloween… I told him to dress like a nerd when he came to pick me up. (A nerd Courtney? Really? Why?)

On Halloween, late afternoon, my boyfriend showed up at my place in his nerdy costume.  He hiked his pants up really high, had some suspenders, wore knee high striped socks, and got some fake glasses, and a pocket protector too.  Again… Not our best costume work ever, but we were improvising here…

He asked me what I was dressed as when he saw me… “Hippie? Fairy?”  “Nope… I’m a nymph…o.  Get it?”  He looked at me funny… “Then why didn’t you want me to be a nerd?”  “Because, if I’m a nympho, then somebody needs to be my little virgin, right?”  He laughed.  Well… I thought it was clever anyway. And we didn’t have time to change.  This was what we were doing.

I told him he had to drive to Karissa’s house.  He asked me if we wanted to get a cab instead.  “No, I want you to drive”. He didn’t argue, and we got in his car, and he started towards Karissa’s house.  He did, however, ask my why I wanted him to drive.  “Because you aren’t drinking tonight”. He was confused.  “Why?  Court, it’s Halloween…”  I just looked at him, and said “Tonight, you are a virgin… And so are your drinks.  You can either use the excuse that you are driving, or just don’t tell anyone that you are only drinking water. It’s up to you”  Then I thought a little more, and added, “Oh, and also… Because I said so, that’s why.”

Wow… As soon as I said that, I immediately wondered where it came from.  Did I really just do that to him?  He didn’t argue.  I liked it.  I’m pretty sure he did too.  He wants me to make the decisions… So I did.  No drinking for him.

The party was cool.  It wasn’t crazy or anything.  When my friends asked what my costume was.  I told them… “I’m a nympho… Oops!  I mean nymph!  And [bf] is my little nerdy virgin!”  Mostly, everybody just thought I was silly.  Which I was.  I will readily admit that our costumes (and the explanations of them) were a bit of a stretch.

I stuck to my guns though, about making my boyfriend stay sober.  I think I did it, just to see if he would.  He did.  He didn’t tell people he wasn’t drinking.  Only I knew.  I made him bring me his drinks all night long to taste test.  He drank gin and tonics (hold the gin) all night long.

I did not.  I had more than enough for both of us.  I got pretty drunk.

At the end of the night he took me home.  He was sober (which was my plan all along really - a DD for the ride home) and drove us right to my place.  We crawled into bed, and he was really horny.  He wanted sex, but I was drunk, and loving the power thing, so I kept it going…  I told him I wanted him to eat me first.  He crawled under the covers, and gave me oral… For a while.  I came.  Twice.  Mmmmm, it was good.  I don’t know if it was the booze, his eagerness, my horniness, the power dynamic, or what.  Probably all of the above.  I liked it.

He wanted more after that, but I wouldn’t let him.  “Not tonight baby… Wouldn’t want to take your virginity…”  

I rolled over, and passed out.

I woke up this morning, and all I’ve been thinking about all day - is what decision I’m going to make next.