AU Where Everything Is The Same Except Remus Lupin Is Played By John Mulaney

inaccurate Batfam quotes #3

Dick, running away with arms full of cereal boxes: Stay away from me!

Tim, running after him: YOU HAVE AN ADDICTION!!

Jason, running after Tim: HE TOOK MY GUN!

Dick: Cereal is my soulmate!

Tim: Get a life!

Dick: I'd die without my Frosted Flakes!

Jason: At least you won't be eating that junk!

Dick: I'll be burried with a box of Froot Loops!

Tim: Give it up! It's an unhealthy obsession!

Dick: hisses in raisin bran

Bang

Dick: YOU JUST SHOT ME!

Tim: Oh shit, I'm so sorry!

Jason: What have I told you about running with guns?!

Damian: I'm gonna put myself up for adoption.

Me emerging from my room, complaining, and going back.

I’m a non-binary with boobs. And I thank you on behalf of my people. *USSR starts to play and I salute*

fun fact nonbinary ppl with boobs, nonbinary ppl who like their boobs, and nonbinary ppl who want boobs are cool and valid and just as nonbinary as ppl w flat chests and deserve to have a good time all the time

If you haven’t heard there is a literal massacre going on in Sudan.

People are getting kidnapped, arrested, raped and killed. This has been going on for a few days now but naturally there’s hardly any media coverage.

THE WORLD CARES MORE ABOUT AN EMPTY CHURCH IN FRANCE THAN HUNDREDS OF INNOCENT BLACK MUSLIMS DYING IN SUDAN.

There are a few ways to help:

 - Emergency Medical Aid Donation

- Facebook campaign raising funds for food and other necessities

- International Rescue Committee

- Save The Children

Even if you can’t donate please help spread the news!!

#SudanMassacre

Bart Allen, seeking approval from a super villain, part: this happens so often

OMZ I miss Greta so much please give me my girl back

Secret: Wow, Bart! I can’t believe you still look as young as the first day we met! What’s your secret?

Impulse: Actually, I’m a ripple user. Every time I tap into the Speed Force, it charges my body with ripples!

Secret: What?! Really?!

Impulse: (chuckles) Mm-hm.

Secret: (playfully) Mua-hahahaha! In that case, I’m actually a vampire with astral projection powers!

Impulse: (playing along) NANIIIIIIII?!??!?! Is that true, Greta?! Then I’ll have to defeat you with my ripples!

Secret: (turns intangible) WRYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

Impulse: (speed punching) ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA-!

Secret: MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA-!

Wonder Girl: (just walked in) … the fuck?

Who’s gonna tell em?

i feel like bart would be good at playing guitar, like with his speed he could change chords super quick and just play what would normally be super difficult riffs this post made me think of this they were onto something

While I definitely agree, there are times as well they have been encased in lightning while being suspended or simply not moving at superspeed, like a precursor to their powers. I don’t think it’s so much as a friction thing versus the Speedforce giving them this sort of barrier like a thin protective shield that can be transferred through touch (and that’s why they can carry people without them getting burned or shredded by the velocity). Since the speedforce is sentient it simply knows when to raise or lower that energy shield.

Now onto transport; while it’s true no HUMAN devices could withstand the full force of the Sun, there are friends on Earth that can get him there AND withstand the sun as well. For one, Kon, Jon, or Clark; kryptonians are sun children! they can fly him there and even give him kryptonian tech/suit for breathing purposes since it seems all their shrap was also built to withstand it. Option two! Apollo, aka Midnighters husband. One call to Tim like “hey can your gay uncles hubby yeet me into the sun? For science.” Tim literally caves to every single one of Bart’s requests (for “unknown” reasons, I mean cmon he just asks and Tim let him fly the batjet)

I rest my case, your honour. Any rebuttals?

So if Speedsters can surround themselves and handle lightning just fine when they throw it and stuff, and lightning is 5 times hotter than the sun, theoretically a speedster should be able to survive on the sun. I’m Bart, and in this Ted talk-

I think it would be funny if the speedsters claimed Duke as their own. Barry hears "light manipulation powers" and is like "Oh! So he's one of mine then :) thanks for looking after him Bruce, but I've got it from here :)"

Bruce is like no, you don't have it actually, he's just a meta, not a speedster, hey, give him BACK-

Meanwhile Duke is having the time of his life because speedsters are so much less intense??? And actually talk to each other most of the time? And AREN'T nocturnal (thank God)??? Duke's still a Gotham vigilante, sure, but he can get used to living in a city that isn't cursed. And help with his photokinesis because, as it turns out, it's very similar to some speedster traits. He appreciates Bruce’s help with everything non-powered, but it just feels nice to have this part of him actively cultivated by people who get it.

Like, sure, sometimes Bart can't bear to wear anything that covers his neck and talks at superspeed about unimaginable horrors of the future he came from with tears streaming down his face and a pained smile. Sure, some days Wally doesn't stop moving, dipping in and out of the Speed Force, because he says feels like if he stops, he'll fade away. Sure, every now and then, Barry can't bring himself to run because he fears that his speed will overwhelm him if he does.

Duke isn't perturbed. Just because it's a different flavor of trauma than the one he's used to doesn't mean he'll forget the basics. Speedsters talk a lot, eat a lot, and smile even more, but he can deal. Iris is amazing and kind and brave and warm and yeah, he cries a bit when she asks him what he's wearing for the family photo.

Duke shuffles nervously, "You know, you don't need to be so...nice to me. I get it if you don't want the kid your husband, nephew, and grandson took on as a joke."

Iris looks at him, smile utterly fond and tinged with mild confusion, "Duke, I'm not doing this because they like you- or, rather, it does play a part in it. But you're an amazing, kind, brave young man, and we're honored that you chose to stay."

"...oh," Duke's eyes are watering a bit. It's probably allergies—he didn't have any in Gotham, but he isn't used to fresh air yet. Not emotions. Nope. Not him.

"Yeah, oh," Iris says, giving him an amused glance, "now, the picture isn't going on the Christmas card because we aren't that white, but it'll be up on the mantle, if you don't mind."

Gotham's underworld whispers, it asks, "what did the Bat do to turn away his newest Bird?"

Gotham's upper class mutter with false sympathy, "did Brucie manage to turn away another one of his children? It really is a pattern with him, poor boy."

Dick's happy Duke is finally branching out to other heroes and not staying in the little Gotham-bubble. Tim reassures Bruce that it's just Duke growing up, and that he'll come home eventually like they all did.

Maybe it's because Tim and Dick both trust their speedsters with not only their lives, but their family's own as well, but they're unbothered by Duke choosing the Flash as his favorite hero.

Damian hates being the only kid constantly in the house again, so he overcompensates by loudly going to the Kents whenever he can.

Duke didn't even abandon them; he still lives in the Manor and goes to school in Gotham. He just spends most weekends and a night or two during the week in Central. He assumes nobody cares because nobody complains to him until one night at dinner when he mentions that Wally wants to take him for a week-long trip at the start of summer break, and Damian slams down his fork.

"You aren't going," Damian seethes.

Duke raises an eyebrow, looking to Bruce. Bruce looks pained. "You've been spending a lot of time with the Allens lately, Duke."

"Yeah, 'cause they're cool."

"Oh, so we're too incompetent for you, Thomas?" Damian snaps accusingly.

"Woah, woah, woah, I never said-"

Tim groans, having being bribed to attend Sunday dinner, "can we not do this now? I promised I'd help Kon with something before patrol."

"I agree," Dick cuts in, "just let Duke go-"

"HE'S NOT GOING!"

"Old man, just let the kid go," Jason sighs wearily, eyeing Damian, "it's just a week. I'm sure you'd enjoy the peace and quiet 'round here."

Duke throws his hands up in the air, "thank you!"

"Been a lot of that lately," Cass mutters, poking at her food. So she's not all that excited another one of her little brothers is growing up. Can you blame her?

"Oh my God," Steph says, realization dawning with a near-wicked grin, "are you guys jealous?"

"I am not so juvenile as to-"

"Jealousy is a strong word-"

"Yes," Cass says.

Duke finds it absolutely hilarious that they're jealous of what is essentially just hanging out at a friend's place and with his family.

"They could've just told me," Duke rants, incredulous.

"They're Bats," Wally wiggles his fingers in a vague motion, "not communicating is their thing."

"Not me this time," Dick says cheerily, "take care of my little brother, West."

"Or we'll break both your legs," Tim adds.

Barry mock-salutes, "yessir."

FANFIC TROPE

Ever notice how whenever there's a green eyed ginger, there's always a black haired, blue eyed beauty to be paired with them?

I've noticed this with every show I watch, theres always that pair unless of course it doesn't have a ginger (Because shows always have someone with black hair for some reason)