It's Breaking Me To Cry For Nothing

✨Fucked it up again ✨

Mary Oliver

“It could’ve been worse.” It could’ve been BETTER. It could’e been EASIER. It could’ve been lovely. It could’ve been beautiful, it could’ve been fun. It could have been simple, it could’ve made you HAPPY. 

You can drown in two feet of water just as simply as you can in an ocean. Stop downplaying what happened and neglecting your feelings. Kill that idea with fire. Or at least acknowledge that what happened was bad without immediately trying to justify or dismiss it.

Too many insights. Too many realizations. Long way to go. Sit tight. 🫠

Fucked and how. I need a vacation. Getting it. Then back to the bullshit which is my life.

How little there is to listen when you stop.

A totally unexpected plan ending as a tool to rediscover your sexuality and dabbling into other's fantasies as it made you tap into your inner dom is ecstatic, especially when you've been in a constant bpd depressive episode and stuck in every other aspect of your life.

I never lost it but found something even more exciting.

The urge to just destroy myself. To cut off everything. To go radio silent on everyone because my brain is absolutely convinced I'll be best off alone, locked in a tiny little box.

Why can't I just have a moment to breathe? To actually enjoy my bit of happiness I get here and there.

Relating to this on another level these days.

bpd culture is feeling like you're getting better until you start dating someone and getting interested in them and then realizing you're still so, so broken

.

How do I make someone understand

just how much I have to fight everyday?

That I'm perpetually at war with my brain

that I don't let myself lean on anyone but myself

even if it makes the fire harder to extinguish

but isn't that what I really want?

To burn and burn

and burn.