As Told By The Gotham Citizens

merry christmas

Damian: I check out of school to go volunteer at the hospital

Alfred: *raising from the grave* FINALLY a member of this family with a NORMAL hobby, and it's volunteering at the hospital *dabbs corner of his eye with a handkerchief* it's about time.

Jason is infact the families mob connections

important family group chat discussions

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All the Batkids using Bruce's cape as a little hideyhole. 😭

It started with Dick in his Robin years as a way to convince Bruce to carry him to the Batmobile after patrols. As independent as he liked to be, he liked being carried by the taller man more.

It continued with Jason. He'd hide under the cape as a scare-tactic, jumping out at the right time and yelling a loud, "Halt!" It did nothing but make the goons give a little 'aww' and often go easier on the little bird.

After Jason's death, Tim rarely went under Bruce's cape. Robin wasn't his place, Batman's cape wasn't for him. Yet, Bruce would often usher him under, pretending Tim was Jason hiding from villains again. He couldn't deny the grieving man, nor the way his chest warmed.

Steph did it for fun. She thought the weight of it was perfect, and she'd often giggle as she clung to Bruce's leg, merging into the bulk of the man. Scaring Gordon was her favorite when she'd pop out of nowhere in the middle of a chat on a rooftop.

Damian kept the trend alive for the same reason Jason did: to scare people. Except, unlike Jason, Damian struck fear into the hearts of people as he jumped from his father's cape, wielding a sword and an untamed fury.

And sure, maybe the real reason all of them liked to hang out under Bruce's cape was because it was safe and warm and heavy, making them sleepy and comfortable, but they'd never admit it. They just liked being close to their dad.

“Jim Gordon would play it cool if Bruce ever revealed his identity to him” lies, that man chain smokes routinely for a glimpse of sanity. He’s consciously ignoring so much daily, it’s giving him heart palpitations and high blood pressure.

If he saw Bruce Wayne trying to approach him with that Batman-esque look in his eyes, Jim would probably throw himself off the nearest building to avoid him. He knows, but he doesn’t want to know. If it’s never confirmed directly to his face, then he doesn’t know shit.

It’s telling that he’d rather take twelve decapitation cases in a row (with seven missing heads) rather than spend more than .3 seconds near Bruce Wayne.

Jim can handle Gotham, but not identity shenanigans.

Batman may claim to have no powers, but Green Lantern knows better. He’s convinced that Batman’s cape is sentient.

Green Lantern has observed it on quiet nights in the Watchtower, when Batman thinks no one’s paying attention. He releases control over his cape, letting it unravel and float menacingly around him in different directions. It moves on its own, sweeping across nearby surfaces, carelessly knocking over items.

There’s one thing Green Lantern knows for sure—Batman’s cape has a sweet tooth. Every time Batman passes the candy bowl, it’s mysteriously emptied.

Even stranger, it seems to influence other capes. Once, while Batman was talking to Superman, their capes briefly touched, and Green Lantern saw Superman’s cape come to life—swirling and fluttering as though it had a mind of its own. Superman, unfazed, didn’t even react to the way their capes were flapping erratically around them. Green Lantern was relieved he didn’t have a cape.

He told the others about his theory, but they were skeptical at first. They eyed Batman’s cape with suspicion as he was distracted by a mission briefing with Wonder Woman. But even the Flash had to admit Green Lantern might be onto something when Batman’s cape swiped their feet out from under them, sending them both tumbling to the floor.

Martian Manhunter nodded sagely and agreed on its intelligence, having felt the minds of four little beings flitting around underneath Batman’s cape. Maybe one day they’d feel comfortable enough to run underneath his cape too.

THE SHIT (GOLD) YOU FIND IN THE OCEAN (YOUTUBE COMMENT’S SECTION)

Why am I not surprised

oh so we're doing scooby doo crimes now

Harley (dieting for three days): If I don’t eat something that’s not celery… I’m going to snap.

Her eyes darted to Jason, who was savoring a cheeseburger. He chewed slowly, oblivious to Harley’s hungry gaze fixed on him. She smacked her lips staring at the burger he tried to hide his meal.

Harley: Give me that cheeseburger!

With a burst of energy, Harley pounced on Jason, knocking them both to the ground as she wrestled him for the burger while he tried to crawl away, pushing her back.

Jason: I spent a lot of money on this!

Harley: Let me have at least one bun!

Jason: Just stop dieting already! You look fine!

Artemis (sarcastically, while cleaning a gun): Oh sure, because that’s going to fix everything.

Jason: Why did you decide to diet during a mission?!

Harley (attempting to swipe the burger away): I have to go to an awards show; just let me have a bit!

Roy (while reading): Harley, you have to fight the urges.

Artemis: You should know—

Roy: Don’t finish that sentence.

Jason, being dragged away while holding the burger, pleaded for help.

Jason: Could one of you help me?!

Bizarro walked over to the scuffle, effortlessly lifting Harley as if she were a backpack and shoving Jason's burger into her mouth.

Bizarro: It’s not a veggie burger, as well.

Harley (with her mouth full): Good lookin' out, buddy.