"Remove Shoulds From Your Vocabulary This Year. Start Your Journey Of Self-love Now." - Kelly Martin

I started a project. Picking up the trash around my building and in this dense area where a lot of our little critters hang out. I filled a single trash bag today before I figured out how difficult it’s actually going to be. This picture is after I finished.

I pulled multiple plastic bags and picked up about twenty discarded alcohol bottles from under the leaves.

Gross. I don’t understand how people can think this is okay. I smartly bought gloves to wear beforehand.

I really want to do something meaningful, and I feel like this is a good deed that I am capable of doing. I do want to purchase a rake to better get under the brambles and to scope for any snakes that might be underfoot.

Not to mention the area between buildings. When my neighbors aren’t parked there, I think I’ll go snatch up all the trash in that area. If nothing else, it’ll make me feel better.

I know this is kind of a medium project that could be done easily with more people, but I don’t have any local friends to recruit. After this, I might start walking the neighborhood to pick up trash off the side of the road.

Anyway, I’m proud of myself for this. Even if I only did one bag, it’s a start to make a difference.

I finally sat down and (re)watched the first 3 seasons of Stranger Things. I love the first season, the second season was okay and still a joy to watch. The third season fell off for me and ended at a place where I thought “What else is there now? This is a strong ending.”

Then I saw the mid-roll credit scene and it annoyed me. While I understand not wanting to drop a cash cow, it feels like it is losing all the fun and mystery. I am unsure if I’ll watch season 4 and 5 for any reason except to just finish it.

i miss when houses had character

now everything is gutted and flipped to look like stale white bread

why take the character out of the house? where's the charm? why did you remove all the love that went into it?

I am waning.

I feel as though I am in that final phase of the moon where it begins to vanish from the sun's light and hides for a few days - as if it's recharging.

Except I'm not recharging.

I'm simply spent. I have no motivation, no sense of hope, no desire to do anything... I just want to lay in bed and not exist. I have not contributed anything to the world these last three weeks and I'm on the edge of simply wallowing. I suppose I already am.

I have met obstacles and simply given up, neither going around them or over them. I simply sit down and accept that I cannot go any further, that I can't do anything better, that I'm not making any progress.

It's in every faucet of life. I've let it leak into my main responsibilities, but it started in my hobbies, my creativity, my self-care and health. I've gone back so many steps on simple things I've been trying so hard to do better with.

Drinking water? I gave up and now I'm dehydrated.

Walking outside? I'll just sit at my computer and scroll endlessly, hoping something catches my attention.

Hobbies? No thanks, I'll just sigh and flick YouTube shorts away over and over again.

I'm unhappy with myself. I don't feel good. I don't look good. My mental health is low. I am at a loss of how to pick myself up. I'm hoping my therapy on Thursday helps.

Thanks for reading.

As someone who wants to be an artist, seeing AI art makes me think it's pointless for me to even try.

Word of the Year for 2025

Transformation.

[noun] 1. change in form, appearance, nature, or character.

(Originally I had chose a different word, but then I realize my goals did not align with that word... so I changed it! I can always change it again, if I need to!)

September of 2024 began my journey of self love, self development, self awareness, and self improvement. I sat down with a journal and a determination to be a better me. To be a me who is true to myself and accepts who I am.

There is so much I have to learn and to work on, so many goals I aim to reach, but I know it will be a process. Perhaps one that never ends. I accept that, because I truly want to be the real me I know I am at my core and I want to express myself to others in honesty and with transparency.

This word means more than just my own transformation. It will apply to how I approach challenges, how I think, how I react, how I live and ultimately the world around me. I will struggle, but I have my wonderful husband at my side and friends who will stick with me through the hard parts.

I look forward to leaving my cocoon and spreading my wings.

In my restless dreams, I see that town.

Another successful walk today. The weather was gorgeous and there were so many people out! I didn't talk to any of them (I complimented one's dress), but it was nice to just be around them. I also saw a naked squirrel (might be a rat, but it was running with a bunch of other squirrels) and how nature can't be stopped from going where it wants to go.

I bought a scale, as well. I am now below 260 lbs and I am so excited! I am slowly getting to a healthy weight and getting away from diabetes. I know it's only been two walks, but I have to stay motivated, so sharing these moments feels good.

Remember, only you can make changes for yourself.

Anyone else ever experience that sudden horror when something loud just goes... silent?

When the constant hum of something making noise just drops?

It's like the air suddenly feels heavy and you're aware of where you are in your body and the space around you all at once.

It's a little frightening.

when mom says you're an "inside cat" and can't go outside, but she'll go out there and sit for minutes at a time.