Life I Guess?

“I love you…Aah! Hah…cumming! I’m cumming!”

A little something

No one's ever going to see or care about this but I just wanted to put it out there since I'm not exactly in a position to say these things anywhere else in my life.

Right now, in Los Angeles, it is 1:18 am on 1 July, 2019. Pride Month, a time of glowing victory for the LGBTQ+ community and their (Our? Am I even allowed to say that?) allies, has come to an end. After everything that's "gone down" this month (and oh boi did stuff go down) it feels like something has passed me by, a tidal wave of happiness and freedom that I was too afraid to grasp a hold of and ride. And because of my cowardice, I remain trapped in what many would call a self-made prison.

But this isn't just about me wallowing in my pitiful regrets and attempting to express my emotions through a mediocre literary passage (what am I even writing lmao). While this past month and year have indeed been an additional cell wall of sorts to the prison of my own making, they have also shone light through the dark, hopeless bars, and it is those slivers of light from this Pride Month that I want to take a moment (maybe a little longer than a moment lets be honest lolz) to acknowledge and thank with all of my heart.

To begin: thank you Los Angeles and San Francisco Pride for showing me what great happiness can come from being truly and authentically free. Although I was not there in person, I lived vicariously in these festivals through Twitter posts and screaming calls from friends covered in rainbows and glory. Pride festivals such as these have always seemed like such amazing, magical events, and I hope that someday I will be able to be at one in person when I am happy and free.

Next (and maybe most importantly): Daniel Howell, quite possibly one of the bravest little video-making, cringe-inducing, genuine, kind (is his own quirky little way), and authentic YouTube beans that I've ever had the fortune of stumbling across.

Thank you. You (this feels weird ehee) said that you hoped that your coming out "story" (it's a story that never really ends, I think) would help people, and I think that it's quite clear that you've succeeded there. It was so incredibly amazing and trusting of you to just - open yourself up to the world like you did. The stories you told and the long journey that you laid out in the open broke my heart with the pain of its relatability (that's probs not a word lmao) and then mended it with your words of hope and (frankly hilarious) encouragement. I wish to be half as brave as you are. There's quite a lot I could keep on talking about (oops I'm sorry!) but I'll stop here. Just,, thank you for giving me and so many others the courage to exist (and to live).

Finally (and also super importantly): to the quiff-sporting, translucent-skinned other YouTube bean, Phil Lester. The amount of times I laughed during your coming out video is atrocious and now I have abs (can confirm). Your light and very low-key approach to such an important part of your life was rather inspiring and uplifting. It was similar to a reminder not to take life or anything too seriously, because I have time and a future to look forward to that I just need to live in and not just survive in. Thank you so much for that little piece of light, I'll continue to look forward to the future.

My gratitude to a pair of tall British boys who I've never even met is frankly alarming but its out there and I'm eternally thankful for their kind words that have helped me get through quite a lot. Be safe, do good things, and remember: the future is clear. It's pretty queer.

May all of your futures be hopeful. ❤

im crying

Studying

Today I decided to study for my driving license.

Turns out that it’s not different from studying for school and after 2 question I suddenly had a clean room, showered and even changed my bedsheets. What a surprise, right?

My life in a nutshell

„Veni, Vidi, Reliqui“

„I came, I saw, I left“

That’s probably my life quote and my life in a nutshell.

Even though I don’t really know what to do with it.

I don’t really like my brother but nowadays I relate to him more than I want to.

And it scares me like hell, because I never thought I’d get why he is so aggressive and mad about my mom.

I just want to figure life already out without getting scolded.

Student in the hall: if you’re stressy and depressy an your life is kinda messy clap your hands!

Entire hall: *CLAP CLAP*

Do i need to add more??

What a good day to love girls.