Well, This Was One Of The Greatest Reading Experiences I've Ever Had. I Need To Finally Watch John Wick.

Well, this was one of the greatest reading experiences I've ever had. I need to finally watch John Wick. Like. Right now.

What a lot of you don’t understand is that when you think about it, the John Wick movies really are the closest thing to perfection we have in the movie industry nowadays. Yes, I’m aware of how absolutely insane I sound right now,  just bear with me. By ‘perfection’ I didn’t mean good, just in the sense that. They are the only action franchise I know that openly panders to their audience, and somehow also managed to include literally everyone in that audience. 

Let’s take a crack at this together if you don’t believe me. 

We’ll start with the basics. What country are you from? Trick question, it doesn’t matter because *slaps the roof of New York* This City can fit so many countries into it and oh yes, they Are going to speak your language. This is a threat. Next, what kind of music are you into? Pop? Rock? Jazz? Classical? KYARY PAMYU PAMYU? Don’t worry, they’ve got you. Let’s move on to something a little more personal– Are you gay? Straight? Yes, these movies qualify as queer cinema because every single fight scene in them IS bi on bi violence, but you also wouldn’t know this if you’re cishet, so their homophobic dudebro fanbase is still steadily expanding despite the movies steadily getting gayer and gayer. By the way, have you heard about their canon nonbinary character? Well, you see, the thing is, they’ve announced that this character IS nonbinary, you just didn’t notice this because the need for them to explicitly state their gender never arises in the movie. Well, fingers crossed for more Trans Rights in John Wick: Chapter 4 and 5! 

Ok, enough about you. Let’s move on to your taste in men. What’s your type? Do you like older men? Younger men? Keanu Reeves is here, and he somehow managed to look both 31 and 65 at the same time. He has the Range. Do you like men with short hair? Long hair? John Wick has shoulder-length hair but he’s never put it into a bun in canon, so he passes as both I guess. Do you want a male wife? He’s a househusband for 5 years in canon. If you like nice guys, he’s good with animals and very polite to everyone around him; but if you’re into bad boys, he’s also killed over 300 people and they don’t get any worse than that. If you like married men, this is probably the most married man I’d ever seen in an action movie; but if you’re not into that, it’s fine, because his wife’s also Very Dead. If you like men with short names, “John Wick” is only two syllables; if you like men with longer names, his real name is actually Jardani Jovonovich. If your type is Keanu Reeves, he’s there, but if you just hate Keanu Reeves, well this is THEE franchise for you because they’re going to beat the shit out of him and throw him off the edge of a thirteen-story building. Oh, sorry, do you like women? They’ve got so many great non-sexualized female characters, you’re gonna fall head over heels in love with all of them faster than I can say John Wick; but if you just hate women, well, some of them are also dead. (But like, killed off in a dignified and respectable way that made sure to not piss off anyone.) 

Now let’s talk about the animals. Are you a dog person? Welcome, this franchise is secretly just three dog movies in a blood-stained trench coat. If you like small dogs, there’s one, but if you like BIG dogs, you get 3 of them. If you like smart dogs these Belgian Malinois are trained to climb walls and castrate people on command. If you like dumb dogs this pitbull does nothing for two movies but sit around on sofas, look pretty, and eat butter off of Keanu Reeves’ face. If you’re a cat person check out this absolute unit living their best life at a sushi bar owned by a gay ninja; if you’re a bird person, well I hope you like pigeons because *slaps the roof of New York* this city can fit so many pigeons into it. If you’re a horse girl so is John Wick, apparently, and to make this movie even more relatable for you, he brought a Horse. To a car chase. In the middle of BROOKLYN. If you’re a snake person, Ian Mcshane is also there, and he speaks. 

What else? Oh, let’s get into the fandoms, why not. DC fans, your John Constantine is wearing a white shirt with a tie and talking to Lucifer. Marvel fans, your Green Goblin dies again. SPN fandom, happy to inform you that Sam’s blonde girlfriend (the one who somehow got fridged by. A ceiling fire??) is here too and she’s MY girlfriend now. She wears a leather jacket, calls John Wick a pussy while beating the absolute shit out of him, and she is an asshole to everybody. If nothing else I said could convince you, do it for HER. Hannibal fandom, we’ve been through this many times, but John Wick: Chapter 2 (2017) IS a hannigram mafia au, and coincidentally, Laurence Fishburne is also There, and he flirts with Keanu Reeves while wearing a silk bathrobe. Game of Thrones fandom, don’t you just hate that blonde little fruit Theon Greyjoy? Don’t you just wish someone would punch him in his stupid face? Well I’ve got GREAT news for you folks. Brooklyn-99 fandom, your Vulture is here and he’s got a husband. Ok alright no he didn’t yes he did. no he didn’t ;)) (He did though) And of course, of course, how could I forget my main audience, The Old Guard(2020, dir. Gina Prince-Blythewood) Fandom? Right this way followers, here’s an unedited screenshot of the canon dialogue from John Wick(2014)

NOW that we’ve gotten all that out of the way, let’s move on to your taste in movies because oh, *slaps chad stahelski in the face* this movie can fit So much Movie into it. Tell me, do you like good movies? These movies CAN, indeed, be very good. Do you like BAD movies? Well congratulations! This critically acclaimed arthouse action franchise WILL put you through some of the worst moments in the history of cinema, and you WILL unironically enjoy every single second of it, perhaps even more than the good parts. Do you like movies with good acting? Well one of the greatest accomplishments of the John Wick franchise is that they went out of their way to round up all the best actors in the movie industry, just to get them to say the absolute dumbest shit on camera. For you. Do you like movies with BAD acting? Well Keanu Reeves is There and he somehow managed to be at the peak AND the rock bottom of his career at the same time, he HAS the Range.  What about…..The story? Do you like a good plot? A BAD plot? Spoiler Alert: everyone wins, because there is NO plot. 

I could go on and on but the point is, you could NOT lose with these movies even if you tried. It’s just fun for everyone, every time, and if you hate fun you can come sit next to me in the theater, and I promise I’ll do my best to take all the fun out of your viewing experience. Oh and one last thing, before I log off: I get that some of y’all have problems with graphic and gratuitous violence, and that’s valid, but hey, listen. What if it was, like, really funny