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Ruined Orgasms

What is a Ruined Orgasm?

I guess the biggest misunderstanding about ruined orgasms comes from the word “ruined”. It has a negative connotation. It suggests something unpleasant or unfinished. It's also often called a "touchless orgasm", which is more accurate I believe.

"Ruined" is simply inaccurate. A perfectly “ruined” orgasm is still an orgasm! It will feel profoundly different, but it will always be WONDERFUL – especially if you use it as a way to prolong your lovemaking! Males have been giving themselves orgasms for many years, but one thing that it is basically impossible for them to do is give themselves a "ruined orgasm". This, among other things, is what makes it so mind-blowing.

The basic concept is very simple, in theory at least. Let’s say that his point of no return (the precise moment, no matter what happens, once reached, the body gives the “kick-off” and inevitably triggers the orgasm) is very precisely seven minutes, then you must stimulate him for just under seven minutes (and not a second more). At that moment, release his nub and absolutely stop all your stimulation. As long as he doesn’t receive physical stimulation, his orgasmic reflexes will lead him straight to a ruined orgasm. Mission accomplished!

The key to a ruined orgasm is to find the right moment to interrupt the stimulation. Instead of “letting go at the last second”, you can stop much sooner. The goal is to leave him on the verge of orgasm, as if time were suspended, for as long as possible before his body triggers the ejaculatory reflexes. If you do it correctly his semen should just flow effortlessly drip down along his straining nub.

Do you see that “floating” moment, the time it takes for the semen to flow without caressing it? If so, congratulations, you’ve done it!

Benefits of a Ruined Orgasm

If done correctly, he will still be horny afterwards and will stay hard as a rock, still wanting more, even though he just ejaculated. Ruined orgasms are great when you want to give him an orgasm but still leave him horny when you lock him back up. Or, if you plan to have an all-night love-making session but you are afraid that he will cum to quickly, you can start your evening with a touchless orgasm.

He will experience no 'refractory period' after a ruined orgasm. Whereas a normal orgasm causes him to lose his erection and enter what  is called the “refractory period” where he is no longer motivated to  have sex, a ruined orgasm has the opposite effect – it causes him to  stay hard, fully aroused, hyper-energized, and HIGHLY motivated.

His recover period will be MUCH quicker, and if you have sex after a ruined orgasm, he will last must longer too!

Most of the benefits of a long period in chastity (for you - i.e. motivation, energy, increased oxytocin etc) will not be lost after a ruined orgasm.

How to give a Ruined Orgasm

I'll start by saying that there is no 'one right way'. But this is what I like to do...

SETUP:

Tell him to lie down on his back.

Ideally, restrain his hands behind his back, or tell him to lie on his hands. Most males can't be trusted to not touch their nub at the crux of the ruined orgasm! Tell him he is at no point allowed to touch his (your!) nub. Throw in a blindfold for fun, if you feel like it.

Tell him you are going to give him a ruined orgasm, and that he should not cum until you tell him he can.

TIP: If you don't feel like direct skin contact or don't want any 'mess', tell him to wear tight lycra shorts or swim briefs, and then stroke him through the fabric, rather than have him completely naked.

PROCESS:

With your male on his back, take one hand (i.e. my left hand), and grip his balls and pull them away from his body until his penis is pointing up at almost 90 degrees.

With your right hand's index finger, stroke upwards (from the balls to the tip of the nub) slowly and deliberately. his most sensitive part is the area on the underside of his nub just before the tip. Stop just short of this area. It's much harder for a male to orgasm with an upward stroke as opposed to a downward one.

Keep this motion up for a while. Don't speed up - slow and steady is what you want, so that you don't drive him over the edge too quickly.

Every 10-15 strokes, slowly rub the sensitive area a few times, or gave a few circles along the head of his nub, and then to go back to the slow upward stroking motion.

If you feel his balls contract, or his nub twitches, let go with both hands immediately. Tell him to not cum - "no cumming... don't cum yet". Or you can ask him to announce when he is getting close. When he says "I'm close", let go with both hands. Count to 20, and then pull his balls away again and start with the slow upward motion.

Eventually (or soon, depending on the lockup period!), even letting go completely will cause him to go over the edge. Don't stimulate him at all at this point. The cum should ooze gently from the tip of his nub and down the shaft - no spurting, no major twitching... a perfectly ruined orgasm.

ADDED EXTRA: The second you see any cum being released, tap / slap his balls with the flat of your hand for 20-30 seconds or until all of the cum has been released. Be careful not to touch the penis at this point, only the balls.

Tell him to clean up and re-lock his nub immediately.

Bravo - you've done it!

As mentioned, everyone does it differently, but this is a basic 101! Trust me, he will be begging you for more in no time!!

Pro Tip: If your male is caged and you don't wish to unlock him for a ruined orgasm, use a vibrator or vibrating massager and simply place it on the base ring of his cage, underneath his balls. The vibrations will eventually bring him to the point of orgasm. Ensure he tells you when he is close to climax. At this point, stop the vibrations and cease all contact. If you time it right, his cum with leak out of the front of the cage in a perfectly ruined orgasm.

A guide to entering the Hotwife lifestyle for prospective Hotwives

This guide to entering the Hotwife lifestyle oieced from various sources on the net; thanks to their assistance here!        

Probably, you were quite unaware that a large percentage of men, your husband being one of them, even had these desires. He wants to share you with other men and women and see you enjoy sex with them!

If you are the adventurous open minded type, and you likely are, you are now contemplating doing what he fantasises about; being able to enjoy the company of other men; their different personalities and conversations, touch, kisses, bodies, their cocks and ways of fucking which will all enhance the wonderful experience that is your marriage and your life! 

If you are brave and naughty enough and you embark down this path, you will find yourself having more fun, happiness and sexual fulfilment than you ever thought possible. You will be feeling as confident as you did when you were first married and probably find yourself even more in love with your husband and appreciating him more than ever.

 Initially, it might take time before you are completely comfortable describing your fantasies to your hubby, having sex in front of him and enjoying dates with other men without him. To begin with, it is important to go slowly and not rush things, you need to check and nurture your relationship first and foremost. Your husband’s approval and peace of mind is fundamental as most men are unaccustomed to actually sharing their wives even if they have fantasied about it. After all, it is against all that society has groomed him to be; he’ll therefore take some time to overcome his instinctive jealousy and become accustomed to watching or knowing you are being intimate with other men without him.

 You must help his mind accept and be happy for you being with other men; make the thoughts as pleasurable for him as they are for you. You should regularly and casually talk sexually about men, women too if you are that way inclined, like I am. Talk about your past sexperiences, thoughts and lovers in detail whilst in bed together; never be at all reserved about this, thinking you are protecting his feelings in one way or another. Tell him in detail about your best times and your favourite men; whilst you both are being intimate have him imagine you with them as well as being with men you actually know.

 Once your husband is completely comfortable and happy with this, you can gradually move on to actually dating and fucking other men. This really will become quite natural for you both and providing he never feels neglected, he will let you do anything sexually and will get great sexual satisfaction from your encounters with other men, he will be pleased that you are happy and enjoying life. You will discover it will also turn you both on like nothing you’ve ever done before and most importantly, he will be drawn to your womanly sexiness like never before and be more in love with you than at any time in your marriage as your bond strengthens further.

 To find your playmates, look at men everywhere, young and old, enjoy looking at them, but don’t always go on looks. Next time you are out shopping or out and about, see if you can find one guy you fancy in some way. If you do, initiate some form of basic conversation. It may be a little nerve wracking, but do it, you will be happier for it and who knows where it may lead? Visit an adult dating website or a swinger’s club and start interacting with men. Be upfront about your newbie-status and that you’re only dipping your toes at this stage. Get to know some experienced “bulls”, most will be more than happy to answer questions and respect your need to explore at your own pace. You may want to discreetly indicate to those in the know that you are a Hotwife by wearing an anklet; either ankle will do. It is a discreet sign that you are available to date other men with her husband’s permission and approval. For most people who are not aware of the lifestyle, an anklet is simply an anklet and has no other meaning. Maybe wear one and see how you get along?

Try to find men you have a sexual chemistry with, it’s so important. Sexual chemistry isn’t dependent on physical attractiveness. I’ve had sex with many good looking men but felt little to no chemistry with them. The sex was good but it never left me wanting more. In fact, I didn’t care if I never saw them again. Conversely, I’ve played with men who were more or less average in attractiveness but months later, I find myself daydreaming about them, it’s either there or it isn’t.

The Hotwife lifestyle takes you away from the routine, like a weekend break or vacation does. You will be intimate with and share another person’s sexuality, looking at a different face and body, hearing a different voice and doing different things with your new lovers that you may not normally do. It will empower you and make you feel different about yourself in a great way. For me, I developed better emotional and physical intimacy with all men, especially my husband, enjoying sex more than ever, making me feel more confident than I ever had done previously.

Remember that open communication is important to establish your goals and boundaries and make this lifestyle work for you and your husband. The idea that you are sexy enough to go to another man for your sexual pleasures will drive him crazy with lust for you, trust me! Husbands of Hotwives want to be immersed into their wives’ sexual being completely as they are totally besotted by their wives; they relish the excitement of watching their partner and exploring her sexuality. A husband’s involvement can vary a lot, some Hotwives play completely on their own with no interaction with her hubby, others enjoy their man watching or participating, some do both. All variations on this lifestyle are appropriate, as all couples are unique in what they like, it is up to you. This includes how often the Hotwife dates and or fucks her new male friends, this may be weekly, monthly or just a few times a year, it’s up to you.

After your liaisons with other men, tell your husband all the intimate details whilst relaxing together, have him stroke himself and imagine you being with your lover whilst you tell him about the event. Don’t hide anything at all, if your lover made you cum with his big cock, say so, hold nothing back at all, even if you did stuff with your lover that you haven’t done with your husband. This creates a sexually charged closeness for you both on a continual basis; this is truly special part of the relationship for many couples.

A key point when embarking on this lifestyle is that you take control of your sexuality, it revolves around you, the Hotwife, empower yourself within the confines of your happy marriage. So, when you decide you’re going to go out and meet someone, or have someone over, just tell your husband, in a very matter of fact way whether he is to be involved or not. If you are having a man over, discuss with your husband him the things he can do to set the tone and create a special night for you both and your lover.  When your lover arrives, things then change; you are his, think about and look after his needs as well as yours. Don’t be timid and make small talk for an hour, everyone knows he’s there for a sexy time. Unashamedly show your desire for the other man, initiate intimacy and even drool over him and make compliments while your husband watches. Pay attention to your lover exactly like you would if you were totally alone with him, if you are not alone that is. Treat him like you treated your husband when you first started fucking. Let your naughty slut come out to play with plenty of dirty talk, give him all he wants and experiment a little. Don’t be shy or act inhibited, do anything you want and don’t be afraid to moan and scream and cry out with passion. Be sure to let your husband know when you orgasm with your new lover. Continue to pamper your lover exactly as you would your husband, right up until the goodnight kiss at the door. It’s always up to you, you’re the Hotwife, do what turns you on; you are in charge. The excitement of experiencing a new man sexually, while at the same time turning on the man I love, is difficult to explain but incredibly exciting.

Emotional attachment with your play dates can and will happen, so be watchful that lines are not crossed. Until you’ve got a better handle on things you should only contact a guy to arrange a date for sexual play. I’ve crossed the line in the past so I’m wary of repeating mistakes, common sense prevails here. . If a guy insists on more contact in between dates because he otherwise feels ‘used’, then I recommend moving on. 

 It doesn’t have to be all clinical either, a little contact and “closeness” between a Hotwife and her playfriends is more than appropriate and in many cases quite essential to build up some excitement before a meet. Even if I haven’t had contact with an out-of-town playmate for months, in the lead up to a date, we’ll exchange quite a few flirty and dirty text messages. There’s nothing like anticipation right? In fact, I would feel a bit weird jumping straight into bed with a guy without stoking the fire first. My husband actually likes building up some excitement and energy before a date so he thinks it’s more than fine to communicate or even see him for a drink or two first.

 This lifestyle is about living life to the full, however, you will be unsure at times. What is needed is for you both to take time to acclimatise to this new sexual way of living, so, pause and reflect. Ask yourselves some pertinent questions and then continue living the lifestyle or move on from it, maybe it’s just a little adjustment that is required. 

You must also remember that all women have phases of feeling unsexy and it occasionally takes time and a little effort to lure the sex goddess within you out to play, this is normal. Do not give up or cancel a playdate unless really necessary, persevere and stay on course. Hotwifing in itself is very good for a woman’s self-esteem but unless you feel confident about yourself, you won’t enjoy the experience as much as you should. Pamper and treat yourself to sexy underwear or something that makes you feel good. Men are definitely turned on by happy women. Remember that you are probably your harshest critic so take it easy on yourself.

On occasions when you have been with other men, with your hubby or without him, the next step is very important if you want to keep doing this and ensure your husband is happy supporting your Hotwife lifestyle. Turn all your attention to him, become his again, letting him reclaim you. You must be right back in your husband’s arms and become his wife and lover again, making sure he receives the love and pleasure so that he very much desires to watch you do it again and again. Over the next few days, reassure him that you’re his wife forever and remind him that you love the fact that he lets you enjoy this lifestyle. Tell him how much you enjoyed the time with your lover; replay the night over and over, tell him you can’t wait to do it again and how you appreciate the freedom he gives you. 

A word sometimes used to describe husbands in this alternative lifestyle, including mine, is “Stag”. This is a man who shares his woman, but without accepting being treated as a subordinate in any way by his wife and lover. Those who do enjoy this are known as Cuckolds and their activities cross over into the Sado-Masochism (S&M) lifestyle, different to what I’m talking about here. The men who entertain Hotwives (also known as Vixens) are called Bulls or perhaps more realistically, her lovers, playfriends or playdates.

 Chances are you’ll be having great sex with your Stag for weeks after he watches or hears about you fucking other men, he will naturally be more attentive and loving than he was before you started being his Hotwife for real, not just in his fantasies. 

The lifestyle will become an important part of your sexual relationship and it will grow into the most exciting sex life you’ve ever imagined together, there is so much to experience in this lifestyle that you’ll never be bored. One life, be happy together!

Meet your new best friend. You two are going to get very cozy in the coming months and years. Once I slide her on it’s inevitable. In time you’ll experience pleasure and frustration you’ve never even dreamed possible. You may not believe it now, but eventually you’ll become so addicted to her that you’ll never want her off.

Who am I holding for?

I get this question, or a form of it, about five times a week:

Love your blog. Are you holding anyone’s keys right now? How many? Thx!

People are really curious about my personal experiences which I find flattering. The unsatisfactory answer is: Yes! But I have no idea how many.

Different strokes for different folks

Over the years since I first started exploring chastity play I’ve had the chance to be involved and influential in many different keyholding situations. At first it was just with my own boyfriend who introduced it to me. We had all kinds of fun trying different things, experimenting and learning. I swear I bought more cages than shoes that year. We eventually split up but he didn’t get away unscathed. I still hold his keys to this very day. (They’re around here someplace…)

As the word spread (woops, did I share all those juicy details with everyone I know?) people were curious. Pretty soon I had guys texting, emailing and coming to me late at night to ask about it. Within a few years I’d amassed a collection of 27 sets of keys. I was holding 27 different guys in chastity and each one had their own needs, personality and schedule. It was starting to become a full-time job. But despite the time it took, I loved it. I never had the willpower to turn down anyone asking for a keyholder.

That was a golden time. I relished the power but mostly I loved the fact that I had so much influence in these guys’ lives and could push them in the direction that I thought would help them improve the most.

I remember there was a skater boy who would skip class to play computer games. He was a really bright kid and was paying dearly to go to school but he was wasting his and his parents’ money. As soon as he was locked up that ended immediately. I tied his release date to demonstrable improvements in scholastic performance. (I also put a password on his Xbox. Brain chastity.) Within the semester he brought his grades up from a C- to a solid B. The next semester he was getting A’s. He started dating again and when he got engaged I handed his keys over to his new fiancée. Last I saw of him on Facebook he had gotten a job at Adobe as a programmer.

Taking it to the next level

I could go on for hours and hours of the men I locked and how it improved their lives. Eventually, however, it started taking a toll on me. I never charged for my services but it was costing me valuable work and study time. Eventually I took my first job out of college and moved away.

I decided to move my operation online, both to streamline my workload and to reach more victims clients. Within about a year I had roughly 150 men under some form of orgasm supervision.

Eventually I began charging for keyholding. I was already charging for the locks I would send out but I began charging for my time and services as well. It was the only way I could make it worth my time. However, I never felt good about that. I’m not criticizing anyone who charges for online keyholding or “dome” services to make a living. So don’t take it that way. I just found that for me it altered the dynamic. It became more financial at the core instead of something that I was doing with/for/to each of these men.

About the same time I discovered hypnosis and I got sucked in. I began studying for a certification in Clinical Hypnotherapy. I found that I couldn’t juggle it all and decided to pull back on the keyholding. 18 months after it’s creation I sold off the keyholding business. It’s still a prominent name in online keyholding to this day. I kept several of my longest term subjects but otherwise took a break so I could focus on hypnosis and sex therapy full time. (Full time, in this case, refers to the time outside my vanilla job in clinical research.)

Teach a woman to fish

Somewhere along the way I began mentoring women and couples on how to do chastity right. I found teaching to be every bit as exciting and empowering as direct keyholding because at the end of the day, I’m responsible for another unruly penis being caged. But with mentoring, you get to walk away. Caging, training and then releasing the newly subdued male back into the wild is the best of all worlds.

And that’s how this blog (and its predecessor) were born. I’m glad you’re here. I’ve got lots to teach you and plenty more juicy stories to share.

Have something to share?

Questions? Stories? Personal experiences? I’d love to hear it. Feel free to send me an Ask. Unless you tell me otherwise I’ll post it here so others can chime in.

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