Ive Been Through So Much Pain In My Life. Inflicted With It. Helpless To Stop It.
ive been through so much pain in my life. Inflicted with it. Helpless to stop it.
And I’m so angry and depressed right now. How dare the world hurt me this way. I was supposed to be given kindness and love- and instead i was tortured. Broken. Made an example of. Turned into nothing.
Everyone else has such consistent happiness within them. Like they have no question that they are loveable. How fucking dare the world take that stability away from me. I was to feel safe and good all the time.
Instead i went through horrific circumstances. People stood back and said, “that kid’s going to be fucked up for life”. And instead of STOPPING it i am now fucked up for life. And those who could? Yeah.. those who SHOULD’VE helped DIDN’T. And it’s as much their fault as it is the inflictor’s fault. The pricks.
To me now it seems that almost all people have parents who love them. Families that take care of them. I hate how my life lacks that. I hate how i SHOULD’VE had that and DIDN’T.
I even feel evil right now, speaking out into the void. Their words. Telling me i am Pretending to be a victim. My pain is my own fault, i am just what is wrong. Not them. Blame blame shame and guilt on me. Not them. And this enrages me when it is so clearly twisted and manipulative.
I feel evil still. Saying out loud the fucking TRUTH. I feel like my words will genuinely hurt someone. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I know I am hurting and that this pain dies with me. No one else should ever have to feel this.
But that’s just it. MY WORDS ARE NOT HARMFUL. The guilt and gaslighting is STILL clinging to me. If I put a voice to my pain and actually say what happened, well means i’m hurting my abusers!!! Oh how DARE I hurt them by saying out loud what they fucking did to me. The liars say they want the truth. Ha.
For the void i will say it. The truth is I was robbed of a loving family. Of a happy childhood. Of kindness and love. I was not only ignored but also bullied mercilessly by people supposed to love me. And I am forced to carry this pain. I must carry this fucking horrible pain and loss. All the way to my grave. I should’ve had it better. And i didn’t.
Evil horrible people abused me.
I am a fucking victim of abuse.
I still don’t believe myself when i say that. I wasn’t abused in ways other people have- so it doesn’t count. It’s not enough abuse
But, These scars… they will last my life. They are real so anyone who says my abuse wasn’t abuse can FUCK off. (looking at you enabler family members .)
Other people had families. And love. I had a fucking posse of bullies. I was hated from the moment i could speak up. Three year old child treated like garbage.
No one else (besides other victims) carries these kinds of scars. Often i feel so alone among those who were loved.
They can live their peaceful blissful lives, happy to be loved and happy to love. I am happy for them. But the jealousy i have towards them too.. It fuels my anger at my abusers. They should’ve loved me. Treated me well. Not twisted me up and broke me and toyed and played and hit and sneered at and despised and grew disgusted with me.
World?
Void?
I am angry. And jealous. Why cant i go back and be loved? Where is the lost hours, days, of kindness? I was not shown affection.
I want to have been loved.
All i am left with is loss.
It makes me mad.
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Yes,
I often wonder if these frozen bones of mine could ever find warmth.
An empty bed does not ease me into an gentle rest.
And today, I found myself growing bitter with the frost. Food, water, light, sleep. Many questions. It is hard to know where my pain comes from.
Is this how bitter people are formed? Undergoing constant strife and feeling relief dangled and ripped away from them?
Or do they choose on some level, to become cruel or sharp.
I’ve been through pain. I am in pain right now. It is not the drowning I have felt before. More, a tugging sensation. Like night trying to pull away the dawn.
When i speak- It helps. I can put out all my worries and thoughts, and suddenly there are little strings to follow and find the problems that cause the worry.
I tell it to my love. For healing. But Saying so much pain. Will it cause him pain? Will it stop him from expressing his own? I want to take all the rough feelings he has, the anxiousness, the sad, the pain, and show him I love him along with all of them. And by showing him my own rough feelings, I hope he feels comfortable to show me all of his. But have i overdone it? Shared to many fleeting feelings? Do they make him anxious and worried? Does he hate me for them? Does he think this is all i have to offer??
Where is the line between expressing pain and wallowing in it?
I worry about my love. Is he mad. Is he happy? Is he secretly growing to despise me. Understanding more and more why I was deemed unlovable by those designated to love me. I want to shout! I can be more! I can be enough. Please give me time. I’ll be enough for you one day. Just please give me a chance to recover. I worry.
But I will not make these worries my reality.
I will not lose my gentleness.
My love, he has never asked anything of me, but to trust him. He’s a kind soul. Sweet and feisty and so strong but never scary. It is hard for us, to be so constantly far apart. I only want to ease his mind, and hold him close. I am okay today. And he is not. If only this vicious world would let me hold him. Perhaps that could soften the worries on his mind.
Why must life be so grating? It is not right. For us who have loved and us who have lost. We get no justice.
And yet,
I will not lose my love.
- - -
I am in a storm of emotion. Feeling little clarity. Scraps of thoughts battering my mind to anxiousness.
Why so much fear child?
Those gentle eyes in your head, offering to help quiet the storm. Kind words in your own voice, do not have to be the only ones you hear.
You are not alone. Give to others. Give it all. Take all they give back. You feel afraid?
You have nothing else to give?
Are you enough… with your raging fears… and constant problems?
Perhaps, those are not yours.
Is this even about me? How selfish am i? To keep all this kindness and never repay it. To receive all this love for my hardened heart. I am frozen my love. I am thawing. Am i too late? To know your love… I don’t feel i give enough. Do i give you enough love? I’m sorry for taking more than I give. I’m sorry for being unable to understand my worth to you. I am beautiful. I am sweet. These are things to give! My strangeness, my pain, my confused soul. These are things to hide.
and yet…
yet-
he says so much so quietly.
He is happier here, with me. I am not good at understanding such loveliness.
Evilness. Pain. Betrayal and dying. Such things consumed me and are not foreign to me. I know shitty things like the palms of my hand. They do not frighten me.
He says he loves all of me
He does not lie.
How strange…
almost frightening, to be loved so completely. Almost. I want to never leave him. I want to be everything for him. I have never been everything. But I’ve always been enough for him. I don’t understand … I don’t understand how when i am not all that i should be. I am not fixed yet. I am not perfect yet. I fuck up. I make a myriad of mistakes.
He still loves me. Always. How. How?
no matter what i say. What strange confused things I do. He never leaves. But i am not perfect!
why does he still love me when i haven’t fixed everything? me and all my flaws…
he loves
my imperfections.
I said once, to a different soul, that love was looking past all the imperfections. Yes the person has shaky hands and can’t spell to save their life. They get so confuddled and are shy and need dark rooms to stay in for hours. But they’re yours so you love them. (And they give such nice things! Like validation. Constant reassurance. To keep the loneliness at bay.) They serve their purpose. They are just a tool to gain happiness, and not… A person.
But my love… my love he…
He loves my shaky hands. He loves my confused mind and being smart and at the same time oh such a silly dumbass. He loves my jokes and my happiness. My voice and my heart. He sees so much loveliness in me. And in my human moments, he loves me.
For how painfully and constantly human i am- He loves me.
ive been needing to say more words lately.
ive told my dear all the ones I needed to.
so now i shall say them here.
coalescence
heathen
fortuitous
darling
charismatically
prestidigitation
opal
conartist
preordained
okay. good enough for now. I’ll be back with some sunlight next time.
jesus christ does the autumn wind make me remember every good thing about my childhood.
im so fuckin horny lol
the queen is dead
gonna do a little harmonica crooning like some old timey introspecitve prospector who escaped the confines of their society to run away to a hill covered in flowers and lay underneath a big ol tree. I now long for my lover while basking in the sunshine and my newfound freedom. You know. It’s just your average bittersweet Tuesday.
blue’s dreaming of airplanes,
try not to speak too loud.
I am split in half like a horizon
Eyelids flickering- waiting for the sunrise.
Strawberry cap ybard
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insidethecrypticbluemind reblogged this · 2 years ago
-come with mewe will lay under grass in moss and starsloneliness will be forgotten-
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