I Don’t Know. I’m Barely A Person. I Just Want To Be Kind And Hold Someone’s Hand. Eat An Ice Cream

Hiroshima

Der den Tod auf Hiroshima warf Ging ins Kloster, läutet dort die Glocken. Der den Tod auf Hiroshima warf Sprang vom Stuhl in die Schlinge, erwürgte sich. Der den Tod auf Hiroshima warf Fiel in Wahnsinn, wehrt Gespenster ab Hunderttausend, die ihn angehen nächtlich, Auferstandene aus Staub für ihn.

Nichts von alledem ist wahr. Erst vor kurzem sah ich ihn Im Garten seines Hauses vor der Stadt. Die Hecken waren noch jung und die Rosenbüsche zierlich. Das wächst nicht so schnell, dass sich einer verbergen könnte Im Wald des Vergessens. Gut zu sehen war Das nackte Vorstadthaus, die junge Frau Die neben ihm stand im Blumenkleid Das kleine Mädchen an ihrer Hand Der Knabe, der auf seinem Rücken saß Und über seinem Kopf die Peitsche schwang. Sehr gut erkennbar war er selbst Vierbeinig auf dem Grasplatz, das Gesicht Verzerrt von Lachen, weil der Photograph Hinter der Hecke stand, das Auge der Welt.

--Marie Luise Kaschnitz

Sometimes I think I'm holding back out of habit. Like I should've broken a long time ago. What does that make my current state, hm?

ordered pizza from a small local place and they didnt actually cut it so i've chosen to revert to a wild animal and begin ripping it apart instead of just using a knife to portion slices

Giuseppe Pennasilico (detail)

There was like a year long period where the only way I could make myself do the dishes was dress up like I was going line dancing, get a little wine drunk and play country music and pretend I was a single mom home late from her bartending job trying to be quiet so her kids didn't wake up. Anyway I don't know what they say about my mental state but I don't do that as often

"Well, let us see. What do I like?

I like my own children and all nice, fat, clean babies anywhere. I like all kinds of books if they're well written whether they are religious or philosophical or sentimental or cynical or humorous or exaggerated or indecent. I like writing books myself. I like cats and horses and some dogs. I like curling breakers, woods and mountains and stars and trees and flowers. I like nicely furnished houses. I like good Victrola records and the music of the violin. I like pretty china and glass and old heirloom things. I like a cosy bed and a tight hot water bottle. I like to be kissed by the right kind of a man. I like jewels and pretty clothes. I like doing fancy work and I like cooking and I like eating the nice things other people cook. I like motoring and driving and walking. I like a systematic life with occasional dashings over the traces. I like open fires and moonlit nights. I like nice chatty letters. I like compliments. I like to see a person I dislike snubbed. I like my own looks when my hair is dressed a certain way. I like a snack at bed time. I like going out to dinner. I like helping other people and I like to be very independent of help myself. I like sunsets and pictures and sea bathing. I like keeping a journal. I like reading old letters. I like housecleaning-I do! I like entertaining the race of Joseph. I like day-dreaming. I like going to concerts, good movies and plays. I like-or used to like before I wedded a minister-dancing and playing whist. I like reading the Bible-most of it. (I like the folk-lore of Genesis and the drama of the Exodus and the gorgeous furnishings of the tabernacle and the doings of the kings and the good maledictions of the Psalms and the warm imagery of the Song of Solomon and the cynicism of Ecclesiastes and the worldly wisdom of the Proverbs and the idyll of Ruth and the blazing fire of the prophets and the wonders of Jesus' teaching and the poetry of Revelations.) I like listening to good sermons. I like gardening. I like good spruce gum. I like my husband. I like people to like me. I like a good joke. I like rainy days. I like old homesteads. I like people who agree with me. I like chocolate caramels and Brazil nuts. I like-or liked in pre-prohibition days-Miss Oxtoby's dandelion wine. I like perfumes. I like a little gossip with carefully selected people. I like shopping at Eaton's.

There now, Ruskin, tell me what I am..."

-LM Montgomery, in her journal

A bit of a palate cleanser for everyone.

©东予薏米  jade rabbits making mooncakes for mid-autumn festival

I'm 19 and I stand in my room. Have you accomplished anything if you spent the year running just to end up back in the room that saw all your tears? Isn't the point of running to slow down somewhere else? But then I hear my mom chuckling at a joke I sent her through the door and remember that she didn't do that. Then

I am 18 and I am standing in my room. Sometimes I have to remind myself of how i carried so much stress in my neck then. I sat perched on my bed like a stranger too polite to mention the unusual offered seat. I had slammed a door behind me confident the next one was already open. The dread when the knob doesn't turn. I escaped through a window just to end up on this carpet again.

I am 19. I carry less stress in my neck. I devide friends into neat piles; healing and burning. Like an acid drip working unstoppably through your jeans. It doesn't actually hurt yet but god chemistry was your best subject. I see the acid on her jeans but we're adults now. Adults don't grip each others' arms until the circulation cuts off to keep from the cliff. I can make you a tea.

I make tea. I've always made tea. Perhaps that's the beauty of 19. The only novel thing in this poem, the oldest of all things. It's called an adventure at 8, a hobby at 15, a habit at 19. Hello. Would you like a tea. I was making one anyway. Really, I'm quite good at pouring it now.

sometimes you are 19 standing in the kitchen wondering how you forgot to have breakfast and lunch today, how you will exit the teenage in 47 fridays, how you used to love watermelons 4 summers ago and now you can't even stand the sight of it, how there were floors that saw you wipe them clean off your own tears once, how you changed your favourite coffee recipe last summer because your bestfriend liked it and you guys haven't talked since then, how the new book you're reading was never really your type but you love it, how you hated your hair for 9 winters, how the windows of your new house are bigger, how you feel bad for hurting them, how maybe making mistakes is okay, how maybe you don't have to not eat that cupcake when you go out today, how the wind feels too right whenever you snuggle into your bed, how you were 17 and all the winter ache wanted you to open your kitchen drawers and look for warmth. how then you didn't know someday you'll be 19 standing in the kitchen wondering if you forgot to put sugar in your coffee again.