What If He Was Still The School Janitor The Entire Time. You Can't Link Him To Anything. Oh, A Man With

Nightwing: How'd you know he was the Joker?

Danny: The who?

Nightwing: The crazy killer clown?

Danny: I got to beat up Santa AND a clown? I'd say it's a Christmas Miracle, but then I'd be legally obligated to fight myself for the blasphemy.

The Mall Grinch

Danny dislikes Christmas normally but being allowed to dress up as the Grinch in a mall in Gotham city when he got a holiday job at least made things interesting that year.

Getting to beat up a rouge as the Grinch in character was just the icing on the cake, at least he made one of the bats laugh.

worst relationship status to have w someone is “objectively they’re a fine person who is nice but i don’t enjoy their company as much as they enjoy mine”

"I don't even have a legal identity, how are you sueing me, you ignoble stinkwaffles!?"

Tim gets his hands on Jason’s helmet and hacks the voice modulator to sound like Hatsune Miku.

Feared crime boss Red Hood uses it anyway.

ao3 writers staring at their inboxes 0.2 seconds after posting a new fic

Reblog if you're not homophobic

Every url that reblog’s will be written in a book and shown to my homophobic dad. 

Feral McGee™

It starts with the Joker. 

His goons picked up Tim Drake. Not specifically because it was Tim Drake, he just so happened to be in the Joker’s neighborhood, and we'll, he can't pass up that opportunity now can he? 

Except Tim Drake is watching, along with the rest of Gotham, at the Batcomputer. He’s nursing a broken foot and has been put on monitor duty until he's cleared for field work again. 

The guy looks enough like him, though. Black hair, blue eyes, and bags under his eyes for days. He's also got the same lean sort of build like he does. 

It happens like this. 

The Joker is doing his monologue thing where he explains whatever twisted game he's come up with this time. He takes up the majority of the screen, so nobody can see Not-Tim behind him, not until the big reveal. Then he covers the screen again, getting up close and personal, before stepping back. In those quick few seconds, Not-Tim is no longer sitting there tied to the chair. 

Someone off camera lets the Joker know, and he whirls around, confused as the rest of Gotham. 

And then Not-Tim comes in with the steel chair. 

Or, well, a crowbar, but the reference holds up. 

He takes out one of Joker’s knees before punching him in the face. The Joker drops like a bag of stones, out cold. 

Then he looks towards the camera. 

“Hey there. I'm not really sure where I am, but also if he was after Tim Drake, he got the wrong guy. I'm not him, I'm just some dude. Anyway, I'll just-yep-” he carefully steps over the unconscious Joker, gives the camera a little wave, and then leaves. 

Batman and Nightwing enter shortly after, with the Joker and his goons out cold and tied up. The knots were complicated enough where, in the end, the police resorted to cutting the ties off of them so they could be properly cuffed and taken to Arkham. 

“A constrictor knot,” Batman tells Nightwing as they watch the villain be taken away. “Often used by sailors to temporarily tie things together to keep something in a bag, or to hold something to glue it back together.”

“Huh,” Nightwing says, scratching the back of his head. “Go figure.”

—

The next time it happens, it’s the Riddler. 

He’s laughing, giving his riddles to the Bats and recording himself to all of Gotham while his victim, one of the Wayne brats, hangs over a vat of something. From a distance, he looks like Tim Drake, or maybe a lankier Dick Grayson. And he’s not the only victim, they’re all scattered across the city, but he thought an important figure such as a Wayne should be under the Riddler’s direct supervision while he enacts his schemes. 

While the Riddler cackles and plots and waves his cane around, in the background all of Gotham can see the figure escape. Several Gothamites recognize him as the kid from before, who clocked the Joker. They all watch with bated breath as he sort of wiggles his way out of the ropes holding him up. Once he’s free, he climbs the rope and gets himself down safely. 

Gotham holds their breath as the kid casually walks up to the Riddler, who’s mid-rant. He politely taps him on the shoulder, and as the Riddler is turning around, the kid clocks him just as brutally as he had the Joker. He’s down with one punch. 

They think he’s going to say another sort of awkward goodbye, but instead he pats the Riddler down until he finds a piece of paper tucked into the inside pocket of his jacket. 

“Right,” the kid says, looking at the list. There’s a lot more static overlay now, and several wonder if it’s damage to the cameras. “Uh, the Clocktower, the Docks, and-” he squints at the page for a moment-”Mama Nacaroni’s? What the fuck is that? Anyway, uh. See you later, I guess. Oh! And we’re at the Gotham Arena. Have fun with him, I guess.”

The kid tosses the paper off to the side before the camera cuts to black. 

Just like last time, everyone is out cold and tied up. The Riddler himself is sporting a pretty bad shiner, but well deserved nonetheless. 

“Stop it,” Red Hood tells him. Batman just looks at him, and though Hood can’t see the top half of his face, he can tell that his eyebrow is raised. “You know exactly what I mean, B. Put the adoption papers away.”

“Hn.”

—

After that, it sorta becomes a game. The rogues of Gotham are no longer after a Wayne, or after anybody who holds any kind of social status like usual. They’re all going after this one kid, all determined to be the one to hold him. And each one is televised. 

Mr. Freeze freezes him in a block of ice, but due to the cameras glitching out, nobody can really see how he got free. They do, however, see the kid suplex Mr. Freeze. It should seem impossible, given his lanky figure, but he evidently has more muscle than he’s originally let on. 

Two-Face gets a hold of him, using chains and some power-dampening cuffs just on the off-chance that he’s a meta. They all watch as the kid leans down, pulls a bobby pin out of his hair, and picks the locks on his cuffs. One punch, and Two-Face is down. 

Gothamites are going wild for the kid. They’ve dubbed him Feral McGee™ (an online poll, of course), because every time he goes in for the punch he gets this feral look in his eyes. Also, just the fact that he casually goes up to these rogues and takes them out with all the casualness of doing something incredibly mundane? Incredible. The Gothamites are eating it up. However, despite the video evidence, nobody has been able to properly identify the kid. They know he has black hair and bright eyes, but any time he gets near a camera, it’s like there’s this weird, sort of warped quality the camera takes on. It doesn’t usually calm down until the fight is done-as one sided as they usually are-before he awkwardly skedaddles away.  

He gets kidnapped by the Penguin, Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy (though that was more just a friendly chat than anything), Mad Hatter, and the Riddler again. 

And then the Joker escapes. 

It’s no surprise as to who he’s going to go after. 

Due to one too many careless goons, they manage to find their way to the Joker’s hideout pretty quickly. This time, it’s all Bats on deck, and they all hide away in the rafters as Feral McGee™ is hung over a vat of acid. His whole body is tied up, hardly a single inch of exposed skin to be seen except for the neck up. 

They watch the goons, they watch the Joker, and they watch Feral McGee™. 

The Joker is monologuing, practically begging the bats to come find him before the timer runs out. When it does, the kid gets dumped into the vat of acid. 

Despite these stakes, the kid seems to be only mildly annoyed. 

“Fuck this, I have homework I still need to finish,” they hear him say. 

They all watch, amazed and confused, as the kid starts gnawing through the ropes. Human teeth shouldn’t be able to do that so easily, but one bit after the other, and soon enough the kid’s got himself freed enough to just climb up the rest of the rope. When he’s at the top of the crane holding him up, Batman lets down a rope and pulls the kid up and out of danger. 

“Oh, cool, you’re all here,” the kid says casually, as if meeting the entire Bat Clan is just a normal Tuesday. And then he pulls out a notepad and pen and hands it to Red Hood. 

“Can I get an autograph? You’re dope as fuck, dude.”

Red Hood has to look away and hide his face in his arms for a few moments to not give away their location with his laughter before signing. And then, one by one, the others do as well. They pass along the kid’s notebook with shit-eating grins and barely contained snickers despite the fact that the Joker is still right below them. Even Batman signs it, after his children don’t stop hounding him about it. 

In their distraction, they didn’t see the kid sneak away. He’s far away from them now, nearly right over the Joker. Danny waits, though, until the Joker has turned around as the timer almost runs out. They watch as he snickers at Joker’s flabbergasted look. The Joker comically looks back and forth and under objects the kid obviously isn’t under. However, before he can do or say anything else, the kid drops from the rafters and right on top of the Joker. He crumples to the ground, unconscious. The kid, however, just brushes the dust off of himself. Despite the fall he took, there isn’t a scratch on him. 

When the bats join him, they give his notepad back to him, barely able to contain their laughter at the absurdity of it all. The kid, too, joins in the camaraderie, laughing and joking along with them as Batman secures the Joker. 

“Okay, okay, but I gotta ask, dude,” Red Hood says at one point, looking at the kid. “How do you keep getting kidnapped?”

The kid just shrugs. “I get distracted easily. And I’m sleep deprived, so you know. Social awareness is kind of at an all time low right now.”

“Why are you sleep deprived?” Nightwing asks, barely hidden concern in his voice. 

 “Finals are kinda kicking my ass right now. Especially this dumb English homework I have. You guys wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?”

“Oh, lucky for you,” Red Hood says, wrapping an arm around the kid’s shoulders as he walks them out of the warehouse, “I happen to know a lot about English. So, it is Shakespeare?”

“Yeah, Midsummer Night’s Dream.”

As they walk off, Batman calmly watches, though the rest of the bats can see his jaw twitching. Nightwing comes up behind him, clapping a hand on his shoulder. 

“If you don’t adopt him, I will.”

“Hn.”

Jason had no clue where he was going, much less why it felt... familiar.

He didn't know why this pit green hellscape didn't drive him up the wall. He didn't know why it felt like coming back to Gotham all over again (except with less murderous intention, but that was besides the point). Or why he was able to understand whatever physics this land abided by.

He automatically knew how to use the grapple gun in a place where gravity seemed optional. He veered around some places for no reason, but in his chest it felt like he knew there was danger there.

He bypassed door after door with Batman, Nightwing, Red Robin, and Robin trailing behind him, never seeing another soul (hah, pun. Why was that a pun?). And then swung up in a long arc that felt more like flying than anything (why did he know what it felt like to fly?) and landed on a scrubby piece of land no different than any of the others he's seen before. But this one was... different.

He heard his family land behind him (he had landed soundlessly) and face the same door he was looking at. Brown, worn wood carved in simple are nouveau patterns, with knicks and scratches that Jason felt like he could name the cause of everyone.

"It... looks like a manor door," Nightwing said behind Jason, and that was the kicker wasn't it? A manor door, floating half a foot off the ground above purple grass in a Lazarus green wasteland for no discernable reason, and... Jason had led them there. A pulling in his chest that said he knew the way (the Pit was quiet, for the first time in... ever).

"No shit, Wing," Jason snarked, because none of the girls were here to do it. They were having a girls night out on town, painting each other's nail, nailing thugs in the face, and doing makeup with the Sirens. They weren't getting cursed by a witch and dealing with this bullshit. They weren't standing in front of a door that led to who knows where (it felt like home) and seriously pondering whether or not to open it (he wanted to).

"Check for traps on the door. We don't know where we are or why we're here," Batman rumbled from behind Jason.

"Already fucking knew that, old man. And the place isn't trapped," Jason replied.

"Tt, and how do you know that, Hood?" The demon brat tutted.

"I just do," Jason opened the door, and stepped through into...

"Huh," the replacement mumbled from behind him, "It's the kitchen,"

"Thank you, captain obvious," Jason snorted and stride further into the manor kitchen. And then stopped.

"It looks different," Nightwing added on, popping up beside Jason.

"This is... the kitchen from years ago," Batman said, approaching an appliance on the wall, "We replaced this salamander not long after..." Batman looked at Jason, and something cold ran down Jason's back.

"After I died," Jason finished. The kitchen was silent.

"Uh, there's another door over here," Red Robin offered. Jason, very much done with the conversation, but somehow still not reaching murderous rage levels, turned and marched over to the door. And stopped again.

Dick made a choking noise from behind Jason. "That's your room,"

And it was. A notch near the bottom hinge from a minor Batarang incident. A discolouration on the door knob from when Jason forgot to decontaminate after a fight and started oxidizing the door knob. And, most damningly, a little handwritten sign proclaiming it 'Jay's Room', slightly knocked ascue like the occupant had brushed past it and decided they'd fix it when they came back. (He didn't come back.)

Jason should be unnerved. Freaked out, turning right around and marching out, saying fuck this noise. But he didn't. He didn't feel scared, or weirded out. He wished he felt those things. Felt more than the increasing chill up his spine, felt more than content (and safe?).

"Well, that's freaky, but is it just me or is it getting cold in here?" Dick asked. Jason straightened up as his breath appeared in front of his face. It wasn't just a chill up his spine, he thought as he whirled around, hand on a gun, searching for the threat.

"Who DARES trespass upon this lair?" A staticky, snarling voice echoed from directly behind Jason. Robin made a choked noise, staring behind Jason. He turned around. Spiraling black shadows, interspersed with sparkles like stars or powdered glass that would kill you if inhaled. Lazarus pit green pools staring right at him, piercing through him.

Once again, he should feel freaked out. Once again, he should be noping out of there, pulling his gun, backing away, doing something. Besides just standing there. And crossing his arms, and raising an eyebrow that couldn't be seen as he replied on pure instinct, "I'll trespass wherever I want,"

Silence. He stared at the eldritch whatever, and the thing stared back. The white stopped swriling, the black stopped shifting like smoke. "Bluejay?" A quiet, almost young voice asked him. His mouth moved without permission.

"Yo,"

"Jay!" The shadowy blob consolidated into a teenager, floating above the ground and looking at him with pure delight.

"I feel like I know you," Jason said, more to himself than the teenager in what looked like a fucking hazmat suit.

"You do. Aww, look at you, you got so big! You disappeared, like, half a year ago," The kid floated closer to him, and the Bats behind him made discontented noises, but Jason didn't move. He felt... safe. He knew this kid with floating white hair and a sharp toothed smile. He... knew him like he knew his way to the door, like he knew the manor kitchen, and the door to his room.

"Can't say I remember that,"

"Yeah, you might not. Coming back to life sucks,"

"You can say that again,"

"I'm happy to see you again Jay. Even if time here is whacked up, and you're old now,"

"Am not!" Jason paused for a moment. Took in the feelings of safety, comfort, and the way the Pit was so, so quiet. "And it's good to see you too,"

Here's a dcxdp prompt and some bones! The Batfam somehow gets transported to the GZ and Jason starts feeling a pulling sensation telling him to go a certain way. They go and find a door eerily similar to me of the mansions door. When they open it they are shocked to seek what looks like the mansions library kitchen and Jason old room except more spooky. They have found his old lair from when he was dead.

!!!!! holy shit this is so good

The pit waters are in you. They want to go home.

One fun fact about me is that there is a pit in the forest. It is a part of me. I do not know where my reflection ends and I begin and I am so entwined with its murky waters I have begun to wonder if I am human at all, or if I am some creation of mud and wood given life against its will. When I die look for me in the pit. I will be in there, watching you.

Danny: He gives me free Healthcare too.

Superman: Because he's putting you in danger in The FIRST PLACE.

Danny: No, I did that myself. I just get paid now.

Submitted Prompts #31

*Shakes out drawstring bag to give you several small rocks with fossilized fish, a sparrow skull, and also a prompt!*

I was watching this “I Have a Boy” video and I couldn’t stop thinking of dp x dc.

Ok so, imagine the following video, but instead of weedwacking it’s John Constantine explaining to the Justice League why he’s paying a glowing child three dollars to beat up ghosts with a thermos when he could just perform an exorcism himself: