Last Night, I Told My Mother "I Wish I Was Dead" In A Fit Of Rage And Winter Clouded Her Eyes. But It

Last night, I told my mother "I wish I was dead" in a fit of rage and winter clouded her eyes. But it wasn't white and it wasn't quiet, it resembled something like helplessness and rage. She was in pain and I knew I hurt her. I wanted to say something, anything, but how do you withdraw a declaration of war? How do you stop the bombs that already destroyed homelands? In that moment I remembered how she always told me that when she was a kid, she was too afraid to sleep with the lights on. Not because she was afraid of monsters, but because she feared her grandmother would die. Because when you're a kid, not seeing it means it doesn't exist anymore. I saw the winter in her eyes again and I knew I had switched off the light, she wasn't angry, she was afraid.

And I also remembered how she always told me I'd always be 3 years old for her, always a child, and for the first time, I heard in the voice of a three year old "I wish I was dead". My heart broke. And I wanted to hug her and hold her, tell her I was sorry, that I didn't mean it. Before I could move a hand, she left the room. The entire evening, I saw myself as she saw me, a 3 year old child. I saw the child hurt herself and cry herself to sleep every week, fight her friends with her tiny hands and two ponytails, I saw her depression and her anxiety, I saw her yell "I wish I was dead" and I knew. I knew. I wanted to shout through the walls, yell and cry and tell my mother that now I KNEW, but I didn't. I wept and wept until I heard a quiet knock and a soft familiar voice whispered, "Dinner is ready".

-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The world is a sphere of ice and our hands are made of fire

More Posts from My-dearest-giulia and Others

3 years ago

I dream and I dream and I dream.

3 years ago
๐ข๐Ÿ ๐ฐ๐ž๐ซ๐ž ๐ฏ๐ข๐ฅ๐ฅ๐š๐ข๐ง๐ฌ, ๐ฆ.๐ฅ. ๐ซ๐ข๐จ
๐ข๐Ÿ ๐ฐ๐ž๐ซ๐ž ๐ฏ๐ข๐ฅ๐ฅ๐š๐ข๐ง๐ฌ, ๐ฆ.๐ฅ. ๐ซ๐ข๐จ
๐ข๐Ÿ ๐ฐ๐ž๐ซ๐ž ๐ฏ๐ข๐ฅ๐ฅ๐š๐ข๐ง๐ฌ, ๐ฆ.๐ฅ. ๐ซ๐ข๐จ
๐ข๐Ÿ ๐ฐ๐ž๐ซ๐ž ๐ฏ๐ข๐ฅ๐ฅ๐š๐ข๐ง๐ฌ, ๐ฆ.๐ฅ. ๐ซ๐ข๐จ

๐ข๐Ÿ ๐ฐ๐ž๐ซ๐ž ๐ฏ๐ข๐ฅ๐ฅ๐š๐ข๐ง๐ฌ, ๐ฆ.๐ฅ. ๐ซ๐ข๐จ

โ€œ๐˜ธ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ธ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ข๐˜ญ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜บ๐˜ด ๐˜ด๐˜ถ๐˜ณ๐˜ณ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฃ๐˜บ ๐˜ฃ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฌ๐˜ด ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ธ๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜ฅ๐˜ด ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฑ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฆ๐˜ต๐˜ณ๐˜บ, ๐˜ข๐˜ญ๐˜ญ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ง๐˜ช๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ค๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฑ๐˜ข๐˜ด๐˜ด๐˜ช๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ด ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ธ๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜ญ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฃ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ ๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ท๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ๐˜ญ๐˜ถ๐˜ฎ.โ€

3 years ago

dark academia is when you have to read the crustiest pdf known to man

2 years ago

โ€œIt isnโ€™t Spring until you can plant your foot on twelve daisies.โ€

- Cambridgeshire Saying

Source: Botanical Folktales of Britain and Ireland


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3 years ago

Iโ€™M REVIVING THIS SERIES!

Day 3 coming up quite soon!

Questions To Ask People You Like:

Favourite classical authors?

Favourite poem?

Favourite book?

Preferred writing utensil?

Favourite place?

Favourite memory?

Most beautiful thing youโ€™ve ever seen?

Favourite library?

Favourite flower?

Sense and Sensibility or Pride and Prejudice?

Favourite quote?

Favourite Latin phrase?

British or American spelling?

Favorite obscure fact?

Favorite historical figure?

Favorite romance novel?

Favorite big city?

Favorite small town?

Favorite constellation?

Favorite university?

Favorite British town?

Favorite obscure author?

Favorite fabric pattern?

Favorite song?

Story of their first love?

Ideal plans for tomorrow?

Favorite old French author?

Favorite turn of phrase?

Favorite capitol or city hall?

Favorite old building?

Favorite museum?

Favorite book store?

Favorite folk tale?

Favorite historical story?

Favorite historical battle?

Oxford or Cambridge?

Edinburgh or London?

Favorite Italian town?

Favorite palace or castle?

Favorite noble family?

Favorite royal family?

Favorite century?

Ever written a love letter?

Favorite weather?

Tea or coffee?

If your name was Adelia, which nickname would you choose, Addie or Delia?

Favorite Greek, Roman, or Norse myth?

Opinion on Oxford commas?

Favorite word in a foreign language?

Favorite English word?

Favorite historical time period?

Favorite song lyric?

Favorite things?

2 years ago

ACHILLES AND THE LONDON BOY:

Photo Board

ACHILLES AND THE LONDON BOY:

Center: James Leicester

ACHILLES AND THE LONDON BOY:

Left: Diana Mayor

ACHILLES AND THE LONDON BOY:

Center: Henrik Olsen

ACHILLES AND THE LONDON BOY:

Left: Theo Fraser, Center: Alexander FitzDonald

ACHILLES AND THE LONDON BOY:

Center: Alexander FitzDonald

ACHILLES AND THE LONDON BOY:

Left: Theo Fraser, Right: Alexander FitzDonald

ACHILLES AND THE LONDON BOY:

Left: James Leicester, Left Center: Henrik Olsen, Right Center: Theo Fraser, Right: Alexander FitzDonald

ACHILLES AND THE LONDON BOY:

Back: Diana Mayor, Front: Alexander FitzDonald

ACHILLES AND THE LONDON BOY:

Left: Alexander FitzDonald, Center: Theo Fraser, Right: Diana Mayor

ACHILLES AND THE LONDON BOY:

Left: Alexander FitzDonald, Center: Diana Mayor, Left: Theo Fraser


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3 years ago

A Pretty Little Message to Myself

A boy with eyes like glass jars swishing with waves of the blue abyss,

I wrote my pretty little poems

about a pretty little boy with starlight eyes,

moonshine hair.

The lives I regret to wish

that I had lived,

The girls.

Belgium, Switzerland.

French and Italian and American

Geneva, Brussels.

I try to say my life has changed;

Never the pretty little boy

with the odd Swiss accent,

and the lopsided smile,

and the shy, wry, understated wit.

Never again.


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