HELLO, THIS

with my papers not proofread and my manuscripts unfinished, i thread on through the world

Alexander’s golden hair shone in the glass sunlight, a moment so perfect it seemed it could fracture at the smallest breath. His eyes looked like green crystals, flicks of blue emerging in the sun.

Alexander didn’t notice this, but Theo did, gazing up at the window. He looked back down at his tattered copy of the Iliad, wondering what book Alexander was reading. The sun was setting, making the world look like a haze of pink and purple. Theo looked at the cotton candy clouds, unaware that Alexander was looking right down at him, sitting on the bench next to the road. Alexander closed his book, Jane Austen’s Emma, and smiled a little half-smile, looking at the way the orange sky reflected off of Theo’s eyes. Those eyes flicked to his, Alexander turning away a few seconds too late, the grin disappearing from his face. Theo’s smile, on the other hand, only widened. Alexander chided himself for his incompetence and looked over at the door of his room, still seeing those gilded curls. He blinked quickly, trying to get them out of his vision. He looked back down at the sidewalk; the boy had gone from the wooden bench. He forced himself to look back at his book.

Reblog this to prove your blog was made before the February 2022 tumblr resurgence

The sound was muffled; all he could see was Theo’s gorgeous eyes, looking down at his sketch. He leaned closer to see what he was drawing, placing his face closer to Theo’s. Theo smiled over yet another drawing of Alexander. Alexander looked back up at his eyes, and Theo couldn’t pretend not to notice him this time. Alexander’s face was angled in such a way that he was looking up at Theo, quite a rare occurrence. Theo looked straight into those emerald eyes that stared into his. Alexander moved so that his head rested in Theo’s lap and his legs dangled down the hill. His eyes glanced down at Theo’s lips.

Without thinking, Theo pulled his lips up to meet his, a perfect moment, a perfect moment. Warmth spread through Alexander as if he were drinking a scalding cup of hot chocolate in bed on a cold night, the warmth burning the back of his throat and spreading through his body. His hand reached up behind Theo’s head, clutching onto his tawny curls. He didn’t want this moment to end; he couldn’t let it. His mouth did not leave Theo’s, his fingers intertwined in Theo’s hair. He could feel Theo’s hand move down to his back. Their lips parted, a too-long goodbye. Theo looked at him, some sort of expression on his face, not exactly a smile. Alexander shared it. Alexander closed his eyes as Theo sprinkled magnolia leaves on his face, laughing. He knew this moment was never meant to last.

we had been late for coffee

When sunflowers can't find the sun,

They turn to face each other.

Lately, it feels like the sun has been hiding,

So I've been turning to face you;

You haven't been looking back.

Maybe you've found the sun where I can't see it?

I'll follow your eyes,

Follow you to the sun.

23 years old and I’ve never had a significant other.

I’ve never held hands with someone. I’ve never gone out on a date. I’ve never even been kissed. It never used to really affect me, all of this. I always had this innate confidence that it wouldn’t be like this forever; that my person would come when they’re meant to. But lately, it’s been weighing on me. I’m not a middle-schooler anymore, or a teenager. As each year goes by, it seems more and more out of reach.

Maybe it’s seeing all of my old friends from school getting engaged on social media or moving in with their SO. Maybe it’s because we’ve been in a pandemic for two years and having someone to love and feel loved by would bring a sense of comfort and lightness. I’m not really sure. All I know is, it’s a heavy feeling, this feeling like you’re not desirable or wanted. It makes you so afraid that you’ll never find anyone, because how could you if all you’ve ever known your entire life is being single? The thought of being in a relationship *EVER* is like a pipe dream to me. And it’s awful to feel that way.

But I still hope for it, just the same. It’s just that the hopefulness if starting to get painful.