Just Trying To Find The Art I’m Good At So I Can Make More Of It.

Where Do You Think Our Souls Go When We Die?

Her: “What are your dreams? What city are you currently in love with? What is your favorite cheese? What are you afraid of? Who do want to be when you’re old? Where do you think our souls go when we die?”

Me: “To look back on my life and smile. Montreal. Brie. Losing my ability to see, hear or taste by way of some freak accident or old age. Dr. Nikolaus Richard the first. I don’t think I believe in death”

Her: “…but your soul, where do you think it goes?”

Me: “I don’t think our souls go anywhere when we die. I think as we live we leave a little piece of it in people along the way. Every time we love we lose a part of ourselves. Or every time we create. Or procreate. If we are lucky, by the time we die we wont have any soul left to go anywhere and our lives will be complete and our bodies empty. We will have given it all away.” 

Her: “So you don’t believe in Heaven?”

Me: “Sure I do. We’re here right now. You must have missed the sign when we walked in.”

Lately I've Been Falling In Love

I try to fall in love at least once a week. Lately I’ve been falling in love with music and cities because people don’t always love you back the way you want them to. Instead of setting myself on fire, I’d rather buy a ticket to New York and fall in love with the view. Or listen to Coltrane and fall in love with the blues. Or run my finger across a map and fall in love with the idea of falling in love with someone new, somewhere new, in a place I’ve never been and in a language I’m not that fluent. But sometimes I can’t help myself and I still fall in love with you. All of you. Over and over again. I fall in love with the memories. I fall in love with the possibilities. I fall in love with cities I’ve never been to, like Montreal, or Paris, or Little Rock, Arkansas. I fall in love with new Prince songs I’ve never heard before. I fall in love with bad advice. I fall in love with that missing hour of sleep I lost last night. I fall in love with the people who love me every now and then just to see what that feels like. 

Superhero

You set your bedroom on fire just to get my attention. You complained I never noticed you. I saw the smoke coming from your window as I walked down your street and heard you screaming for me to break through. Usually one to stand idly by and watch things burn I decided this time to run in and save you.

You wanted to be saved and I didn’t care if any of this was staged I still ran up your fire escape, mask and cape, wanting to be a hero. My only superpowers are superficial. You called for me by name. I made it all the way up to the 3rd floor, kicked in your door, and blew out every flame.

There was nothing left for us but ash and dust. Then things changed.

I asked her who she voted for in 2004. We were discussing politics and religion and that was the first election I was old enough to participate in. I said, Gore she said that was the year she stopped believing in anything but she still went to church just in case. She still voted in every election after that just to be safe because she didn’t want to be blamed when things went wrong and things always went wrong. And knowing she wasn’t the reason why helped her sleep at night. I asked her how she’s been sleeping lately. She asked, “why do you put so much pressure on me to dream when I’m still stuck between feeling lost and feeling free? Forced to get along with those who arm themselves and dream of harming me. Sold me a house with a lawn and picket fence but made copies of the key so you can come and go as I sleep at night and my dreams can be policed. I worked my whole life for the American dream to find out it wasn’t for me. What do you do when your dreams come true and you don’t want them in the end? Or you’re so in debt you don’t know if you can afford to dream again? Do you work the rest of your life to pay them back or go on and pretend like you never gave a second thought to giving up or giving in? Happily ever afters make you think that your dreams come true in the end when they actually happen somewhere in the middle and the rest of the story is you figuring out what to do with them. Who is it you want to be? Did you ever consider maybe giving up is a way of getting free?” I told her she sounded like a politician campaigning for an election she knew she would never win. A disappointed victim of her own expectations. And there I was, trying to convince myself I didn’t want all the things I knew I did. Still holding on to dreams I was told to believe in ever since I was a kid. But it’s such a relief to wake up and no longer want the things you felt you could never have. I could free myself by letting go of all the dreams I’d been sold in the past but I didn’t. I still wanted it all even if she warned me it wouldn’t last. I wrote my vote on a post-it note and slipped it in her bag. She won the election, I lost my way. We were a new nation under old flags.

Spam

LoveAndWater: Hi how are you? www.meetmehere.com

NikRich1986: Re: Hey, I’m good actually. Been so long since we spoke. I thought you may have deleted me from your life all together, I guess it’s kind of hard to delete an email address from the internet. It's the piece of technology that gives all relationships their last bit of hope, lol. I saw a wrecked white Jeep Wrangler yesterday and thought about you, us. Hoping it wasnt you inside. I’m guessing you’re ok. How have you been?

LoveAndWater: Do you like music? Click here!  www.mp3fr.com

NikRich1986: Re: I’m always looking for something new to listen to. I’ll check them out. Music has been my only company these past few months. I say, listening to music is like always having a friend around. The thing I like about music is that it always takes you back to where you were the first time you heard it. Like a time machine. But time machines have drawbacks, some parts of the past are best not re-lived. How’s your job? Do you run the place yet?

LoveAndWater: When is the last time you went camping? Check out these deals! www.kayakthroughyourtears.com

NikRich1986: Re: Haven’t been since I was a kid with my dad. I remember we talked about going camping a few times, but it never really worked out did it? Do you still hate nature? lol. I can find us a cool spot in Mississippi and we can cross at least one thing off the list of the many things that we never got to do together. I can finally show you how to fish! October is probably the best month. Are you free then?

LoveAndWater: I just won a new iPod by filling out this survey! www.areyoudeadinside.com

LoveAndWater: Hey, I think my email has been spamming you. Sorry about that! I’m going to delete it so don’t bother messaging again. Thx.

“Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world” =)

NikRich1986: Re: Wow… I guess we haven’t spoken in so long that eventually some part of our subconscious would reach out to each other. Its funny that you can think about somebody hard enough for so long and the universe finds ways to manifest them for you. Its almost like my heart hacked into your computer. Its pretty romantic if you think about it, that’s some real soul mate shit right there. Anyway, call me sometime, or text. I prefer you text. Just to let me know you’re doing alright. 301-5320 Same number it’s always been.

Failure Notice: Message Undeliverable

This year I decided to draw my family with cake crowns for their Birthdays. Kings for a day.

We're the lucky ones, the ones who love the ones who lost the ones who stay up late the ones still trying the ones in debt the ones who are sorry the ones who create the ones with regrets the ones still changing the ones still looking the ones who die over and over again for their art, we're the lucky ones because we have so much to look forward to.

This may be a bit intense...

Every day without you is like a week without rain, to survive, I’m forced to drink the blood of the other loves I’ve slain.

Look how you’ve changed me. I’m a vampire, I’ve died but still remain here in a castle that’s haunted by the absence of you. You’re the real monster though you have no claws, no fangs.

Every night I stare into the waters of Lake Pontchartrain as the sun sets, then I dive in and swim to the other side without taking a breath as I search through swamp and suburb counting each and every one of my steps, holding out hope that I will find your footprints left behind, and I’d follow them blindly off the edge of this earth while I fight off beast and thief as I search for a sign that you may not be as far as I think you are.

Though I am the hunter and you’re on the run I have armed myself with flowers and gave you the gun so when I find you my fate is yours to choose, and if you reject my apologies I’ll drag my bloodied and lifeless body back across those slain beasts’ and thieves’ bones making sure I leave a trail of these flowers and bleed all the way home just in case you change your mind and want to love me back to life again you'll know where to find me.

If not, I’ll gladly die knowing that the night is not as frightening as what I see every morning when I wake and face the dawn.

“There is nothing more powerful, than an idea whose time has come” - Saul Williams

“Black people in this country are in a state of emergency” - As an artist it can take me weeks or months to find the time, energy, and inspiration to create something new, but these past couple of months have put all other art on hold as I try to process and respond to what’s going on in this country. Black people are under attack. As I’ve seen many post before - don’t tell me you’re sorry as if you take pity on me being Black, and don’t tell me you stand with me, tell the racists you stand against them.

Shoutout to all the artists who have found the will and energy to create anything during such emotionally draining times. And shoutout to the artists who haven’t created anything in months because we are still processing, or because artwork has taken a back seat to survival. #blacklivesmatter #socialdistance #socialjustice