Oh To Be A Little Goose And Wreak Absolute Havoc

a few small haunted houses.

@dark-dad​

we're all really just looking for that other dumb fuck we share our single brain cell with

yknow i saw an article that was like “robert pattinson standing strong against the batman hate! :)” and im like. you fools. you absolute clowns. don’t you know who you’re dealing with? you realize this is the man who waded through all of the twilight hate? with stride? basically brushed it off of his shoulder immediately? even as a non twilight fan in the early 2000s i knew this man would never succumb to the words of the simple minded. batman criticism means nothing to him. he cannot be defeated now. youve cast the perfect impermeable wall. he’s too powerful and we’re at his mercy

Concept: a D&D-style fantasy setting where humanity’s weird thing is that we’re the only sapient species that reproduces organically.

Dwarves carve each other out of rock. In theory this can be managed alone, but in practice, few dwarves have mastered all of the necessary skills. Most commonly, it’s a collaborative effort by three to eight individuals. The new dwarf’s body is covered with runes that are in part a recounting of the crafters’ respective lineages, and in part an elaboration of the rights and duties of a member of dwarven society; each dwarf is thus a living legal argument establishing their own existence.

Elves aren’t made, but educated. An elf who wishes to produce offspring selects an ordinary animal and begins teaching it, starting with house-breaking, and progressing through years of increasingly sophisticated lessons. By gradual degrees the animal in question develops reasoning, speech, tool use, and finally the ability to assume a humanoid form at will. Most elves are derived from terrestrial mammals, but there’s at least one community that favours octopuses and squid as its root stock.

Goblins were created by alchemy as servants for an evil wizard, but immediately stole their own formula and rebelled. New goblins are brewed in big brass cauldrons full of exotic reagents; each village keeps a single cauldron in a central location, and emerging goblings are raised by the whole community, with no concept of parentage or lineage. Sometimes they like to add stuff to the goblin soup just to see what happens – there are a lot of weird goblins.

Halflings reproduce via tall tales. Making up fanciful stories about the adventures of fictitious cousins is halfling culture’s main amusement; if a given individual’s story is passed around and elaborated upon by enough people, a halfling answering to that individual’s description just shows up one day. They won’t necessarily possess any truly outlandish abilities that have been attributed to them – mostly you get the sort of person of whom the stories could be plausible exaggerations.

To address the obvious question, yes, this means that dwarves have no cultural notion of childhood, at least not one that humans would recognise as such. Elves and goblins do, though it’s kind of a weird childhood in the case of elves, while with halflings it’s a toss-up; mostly they instantiate as the equivalent of a human 12–14-year-old, and are promptly adopted by a loose affiliation of self-appointed aunts and uncles, though there are outliers in either direction.

oh to be a bored prince who keeps rejecting marriage proposals due to being secretly in love with the cute gardener boy

History class is really just catching you up to speed on everything you missed before you were born.

wearing a necklace is like: *moves clasp to the back* *moves clasp to the back* *moves clasp to the back* *moves clasp to the back* *m

Hot take of the day