AKA Any Deer Seen In The Midwest While Drunk

Yesssssss the puns

I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.

I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

You have no idea how hard my dumb ass would slam into this sign

All right mirror me, roll perception

Having problems finding new players?

Just hurl dice at the mirror until your reflection starts pulling its weight and stats up an Elf Ranger.

Welcome to Florida

I didn’t ask “what?” because I didn’t hear you, my brain still runs on internet explorer and the information hasn’t loaded yet

Every day when I drive back from my college campus I see this sign that says “Bike Stripers” and every day I get super excited about the idea of seeing hot girls stripping on motercycles before I realize it’s an auto shop. Every day. My brain forgets every day that it’s an advertisement for the auto shop. Apparently I’ve got a thing for hot girls on motercycles. And apparently it causes my brain to short-circuit for a couple seconds.

“And you?”

“I was tying someone up on the subway”

Prosecution: Your honor, the defendant has been scamming people into buying fake “immortality elixirs” for years!

Defense: Objection! Your honor, the defense requests the prosecution specify exactly how many years?

Prosecution: Gladly, your honor. As you can see from the arrest records submitted into evidence, the defendant has had the audacity to continue committing this felony for 148 years!

Judge: I’m sorry, did I hear that correctly? The defendant has been selling immortality elixirs for 148 years?!

Prosecution: Yes, your honor, the earliest documented arrest was in 1886.

Judge: It’s 2014.

Prosecution: Yes, your honor.

Judge: And you don’t see anything weird about that? Anything at all?

Defense: In light of this stupidity, the defense demands the immediate release of my client followed by a drop of all charges and would like to file a lawsuit against the arresting officer for slander.

Judge: Yes. Right. Bailiff, please release the defendant. Oh, and bring me any of the elixirs taken into evidence.

Musical chairs? I thought you said Magical chairs

Well, there’s no un-summoning the demon now so we might as well play

I think I just gained a new personal hero