Adam, Don’t Trust Nigel, He’s A Bastard. He Called Me A Fucking Liability

Adam, have you ever seen Cosmos with Carl Sagan? I've always wanted to watch the original but I've only seen the reboot with Neil DeGrasse Tyson.

- 🧷 (safetypin-non)

Yes, I watched it many times. More than I can count. It’s my favorite show.

You should watch it, I can only recommend it.

Really? How?.

If you met an alien, what would you tell and/or ask them?

Okay. First off: how do you breathe? Do you breathe? What kind of atmosphere are you used to? Is oxygen poisonous to you? Do you metabolize something else entirely? And your gravity, how strong is it? Do you walk upright? Do you even need to walk? What’s your skeletal structure like? Do you even have bones?

What’s your biology based on? Is there a version of DNA where you’re from? Or is it something entirely foreign to us? What’s your body temperature? Do you even need to regulate it? Do you get cold?

Do you perceive time linearly? Do you dream? Have you categorized your stars yet? What are your units of measurement? Do you know what we are? Have you been watching us the way we’ve imagined you?

And I think… after all that..I’d probably just say:

I’ve been waiting for you my whole life. Not you specifically, maybe. But the possibility of you. And now I have about a million more questions.

During my session with Dr. Lecter today, he spoke about the stars. He told me that the light we see in the night sky is ancient—that some of the stars that appear brightest to us have already died, their final light still traveling across time and distance. He said it is a reminder that what we perceive is not always what is present, and that some things linger even after they are gone.

He also referenced the Greeks, how they believed the constellations were once people and creatures, lifted into the sky as stories, as if memory alone could make them eternal. He asked me if I thought the universe remembers us, if our presence leaves an impression in the fabric of space-time, or if we simply vanish.

I told him that memory does not alter physics, and that once something is gone, it is gone.

After that he just smiled at me.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/65369347/chapters/168209467

Here’s chapter one! I kept it pretty short and simple for the start. Hope y’all enjoy!

Hey guys!

I know this is probably terrible timing, but I did want to let y’all know I’ll be taking a small break

or at least I don’t anticipate it to be long. My mental health hasn’t been the best, and I’ve got a lot of medical stuff I gotta take care of rn. So sorry to let y’all down like this. I’m super grateful for you guys, and I’ll do my best to be back soon.

Note: Some good news is that I’ll still be continuing my AO3 story tho! Since I only really plan to posting once a week, I think it won’t be too much on me. I also haven’t posted the link for it on here yet ’cause I’m still working through some stuff in chapter one.

Anyway, love y’all and stay safe 🤍

I don’t think love should have to be a fight.

If it is, maybe it’s not love, it’s just war with different rules.

But I think some things stay even when you stop fighting. Probably not everything, but the important things. Thats how I see this. Maybe one day you feel that you won’t have to fight anymore.

Good evening Nigel,

I was at the National art gallery with Beth this afternoon. I saw Botticelli’s ‘Venus and Mars’ there, it is an absolute study in paradox!. About forces that should collide yet instead settle into something resembling harmony. It reminded me of space in that way. Mars, the god of war, lies unconscious, unarmed, seemingly at peace. Venus, the goddess of love, seems watchful but unaffected, an island of serenity beside him. She has not conquered him. She has not subdued him. And yet, in her presence, he is still.

Many people would assume that love triumphs over war, that beauty tames violence. But I think Botticelli offers something more intricate. Venus does not demand change. She does not impose softness upon Mars. She simply exists, and in doing so, creates the conditions for stillness. Mars, so accustomed to unrest, is given a rare and unfamiliar gift—the absence of conflict. And he does not resist it.

The tension here is not one of struggle, but of transformation. Venus has not altered Mars, she has only revealed what he is capable of being. I imagine this as love at its most potent—not forceful, not possessive, but a quiet invitation to become. There is no battle between them, no need for submission or control. Instead, they are two opposing forces that, for a moment, find equilibrium. Together.

This is the paradox I was speaking of : not that one must destroy the other, but that they can coexist. In Metamorphoses, Ovid describes their relationship as both passionate and volatile, yet Botticelli captures something…subtler. Venus does not try to change Mars, nor does she fear him. She understands him. And understanding, more than any weapon, has the power to disarm.

I remember Beth asking ‘Why does Venus choose Mars? Her husband Vulcan presents as a more fitting counterpart, someone more aligned with her nature’. I answered that, perhaps love is not drawn to reflections of itself, but to contrast. To the possibility of transformation. Venus does not force Mars to lay down his weapons. He does so on his own, because in her presence, he does not need them.

There is power in that, in my opinion. A kind of power that does not shout, does not demand, but simply is. Not dominance, but invitation. Not submission, but balance.

And it reminded me of you.

Well, shit… you’ve really got me here, don’t you? Never thought I’d be sitting here, having someone talk to me about love like that, beautiful. It’s funny though. Mars? Peaceful? Never thought I’d see the day.

An invitation, huh? Not a fight, not a conquest, not a struggle to win someone over. Just... being. That’s a new one for me. Love makes me do some fucking crazy things, but never like that.

If I’m being real, I don’t know if I believe in that kind of love. The kind that just fucking is. Hell, I’m not sure I’ve ever let someone just exist if I really loved them, or that I've ever felt like I can let myself relax that way, or if I even can. I’ve always thought that if you don’t fight and keep fighting to keep what you have, you end up losing everything.

Maybe you’ve got a point, Adam. No one’s ever said anything like that to me before.

I’m glad you thought of me.

Are you a jealous person?

Jealousy is irrational. It serves no practical function, and yet, I think if I care about someone enough, I might experience a version of it.

Not in an aggressive way, but… I wouldn’t like the idea of being replaceable. I‘ve been told I get ‘sulky‘.

Yes, I do have a comfort show.

It’s ‘Cosmos: A Personal Voyage’.

I think I might just re-watch it today, maybe it’ll temporarily help my brain calm down.

Nothing feels real anymore.

EVERBODY always lies to me and I am stuck feeling like an idiot because I care about honesty. Why does nobody ever mean what they say? What even is the point in saying anything then?.

I can indeed believe that.

I’m not sure if that prohibits you from succeeding in your profession, though. As for what I’ve learned so far, selling illegal substances and having relationships with prostitutes doesn’t seem all that contradictory or uncommon.

Adam, don’t trust Nigel, he’s a bastard. He called me a fucking liability

-Tonny aka @coke-n-dope

I feel as though I’ve been inadvertently dragged into a personal conflict.

Good to hear from you though, Tonny

Thought you’d be interested in this, stea. You think Keats was talking about Polaris? Can’t say I’m well versed on the subject. https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44468/bright-star-would-i-were-stedfast-as-thou-art

— Nigel

Fomalhaut was the first star that came to mind. People call it the lonely one, and that feels closer to what Keats was describing—‘not in lone splendour hung aloft the night’—watching in silence like some sleepless, distant observer. Polaris is constant, sure, but Fomalhaut is solitary. It sits far apart from the other bright stars in the sky. Easy to notice. Easy to feel something about.

It makes sense to me, logistically too. Fomalhaut is visible from Earth without much effort. But more than that, it carries the weight of solitude, of being out there and unmistakably alone.

I don’t think he wanted to be the star. I think he recognized something of himself in it. When we admire things people, stars, it’s often because they mirror something we’re missing or trying to understand. Maybe he wasn’t longing for distance, but for connection. To feel less alone by seeing that loneliness reflected back.

And even if they’re separated by lifetimes of space, the star and the observer exist in that moment together. No one else might understand that connection, perhaps not even the two of them, but it’s there nonetheless.

No, not in a frightful way.

You do not come off as scary. You seem reliable, I suppose. There is something very effortlessly calming to you.

If you could assign constellations to your associates/friends what would they be and why?

I don't know much about constellations but I'd love to hear you talk about it :)

- 🧷

I actually spent some time thinking about this. It’s a interesting question, astronomy as a mirror for people. It’s not the first time I’ve made that comparison in my head.

So Nigel would probably be Andromeda. There’s something about Andromedas story that reminds me of him , chained and waiting, not exactly helpless, but holding back. Andromeda’s one of those constellations that’s easy to overlook unless you know where to look. But once you do, you stay looking. He’s like that. Quiet and beautiful, and much more capable than most realize. There’s distance there too. Something unspoken and mysterious. And maybe that’s part of it.

Abby is Lyra. Steady, constant sound in the background that makes everything else feel less chaotic. She’s the kind of friend that doesn’t try to change the rhythm, she plays along, and somehow makes the melody make sense. She won’t try to change but instead accept the people around her. I trust her more than I trust most people. Probably more than I know to articulate.

Duncan is definitely Ursa Major. He’s calm and grounded. One of those people you automatically listen to when they speak. Like the Big Dipper, It’s just always been there. Reliable. Big presence. Never unpleasantly overwhelming.

I see Tonny as Gemini. There is some sort of double-sided energy to him. Always talking, always bouncing between ten things at once. Sometimes it’s annoying. But he makes things feel alive. That counts for something. Very unapologetically himself.

Beth… She’d be Scorpius..I think. There was beauty, but also something sharp underneath. I thought I understood her. Maybe I didn’t. It’s hard not to associate that constellation with betrayal once you’ve been stung by someone you trusted. But I also think Scorpius is about change. You don’t walk away from it unchanged.

Lastly Hannibal , Aquarius. There’s a logic to him that i understand. The kind of person who thinks about everything three steps ahead. Our conversations are always sharp. Always interesting. We don’t need to be close emotionally to have a kind of mutual respect, and I appreciate that.

That’s how I see it right now.

That could change, maybe it won’t.