Far Too Many Of My Spotify Playlists Are About Her. And Yet I Feel Like They All Still Don’t Convey

I see you in my dreams, maybe one day it’ll become my reality

it’s a weird feeling having to deconstruct the walls I’ve piled so high to protect myself. there’s so little people in this world who know me truly and wholly, and part of that is my own doing, though a decision I’ve been making unconsciously without realising it till my teens.

sometimes I wonder if anyone will ever know the true me, maybe I don’t even know her yet.

me coded as fuck

fatima aamer bilal, excerpt from moony moonless sky’s ‘i am an observer, but not by choice.’

[text id: my fist has always been clenched around the handle of an invisible suitcase. / i am always ready to leave. / there is not a single room in this world where i belong.]

THEY’RE HAVING A BABY?!?! THIS IS SO CUTE IM CRYING I LOVE THEM AHHHHHH

THE WAY THEY ALWAYS LOSE EACH OTHER IN THE RAIN I CANNOT COPE 😭

If I had a nickel for every time Buck and Eddie have lost each other in the rain, I’d have three nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird it’s happened thrice.

the last few weeks I’ve been waiting for a call that’s never coming. for my phone screen to light up with a message that the logical part of me knows is never going to arrive.

I’ve spent 2 years grieving and coming to terms with my grandmother’s death. as every occasion passes, I’ve struggled with the fact that I’ll never hear her voice again.

my grandfather, bless him, was like a cat with 9 lives. he probably should’ve died in a freak accident 20 years ago, but he always made it through. I always thought out of the two of them, he’d be the first to go, as dark as it sounds logically, it seemed like the way it would be. he was riddled with health problems and his luck for escaping death surely had to catch up to him, so although it seems vulgar to think that he’d be the first to go, logistically it made sense. but he wasn’t.

he survived so much, that a part of me thought he’d always be there, because he always made it through. two years since my grans death, and he made sure that we knew how much they both loved us. he called every occasion and sent messages to check up on us, making up for two people. he was good like that, a bit of a hippie and believed in the funniest things, but he was fun to talk to. I miss our chats.

two days after his death, in the midst of a panic attack, I hastily scrolled through my phone, desperate to find anything with their voices, just to know that I could hear them. that I had this part of them I could keep. I didn’t even finish the voice notes when I eventually found them later that day. I screamed and I cried and I sobbed ugly begging for it to be some sort of sick prank from the universe. I don’t think I’ll ever come to terms with it. To think of them in the past tense is something I’ve yet to grasp.

grief has been embedded in my soul since I was born, and it’s never left.

I want them back. It’s not fair. I don’t deserve to know pain this deep and grief this vast at such a young age.

It keeps me up most nights how I never got to say goodbye. did they know I loved them? did they know how much they meant to me? I hope they do, they did. I don’t think I’ll ever know peace or the comfort they gave me.

911onabc: Welcome back, Cap. #911onABC

they scare me, they know what’s happening. I NEED to know 😭

You're laughing? Oliver Stark and Ryan Guzman could be filming the Buddie confession scene right now, and you're laughing?

tommy calling buck ‘evan’ during their entire relationship and the first, and only time, he calls him buck is after he breaks up with him. eddie calling buck ‘evan’ only once and it was when he gave buck his goddamn son. the only time tommy called him buck was before leaving and the only time eddie called him evan was when he gave buck proof of him and chris staying. of them wanting buck. of them keeping buck. id say “which could meaning nothing!” but it actually means everything.

i am simply an Alive Bobby Nash Truther until the bitter end. they can have a live feed of the inside of that man’s coffin as his body decomposes in the corner of every single episode from here on out and i will continue to believe that he will rise from the grave and continue to live his best most chaotic life with his hot wife and his cringefail bisexual son assigned to him by the HR department at the LAFD and his beloved dear paramedic friends who come to him for life advice and his son in law/narrative parallel with extreme catholic guilt and a nobel prize for pioneering new batshit ways to repress emotions and discovering previously unknown stages of grief. it is what he deserves