Warning For Mention Of Abuse And Wanting To Die :

The worst thing about BPD is not being able to express or share what you're feeling to someone else because what you're feeling seem to be traits of a toxic person, when you know you don't act it out, but you still can't share em because of demonised certain feelings and emotions are.

Like, sometimes when I idolize someone I feel reallyyy reaaaaalllyyyyy jealous if someone else is close to them, and I feel sick when I get hints that someone else shares the same kinda relationship I do with them and I feel like going to the other person's phone and checking if they actually do share the same bond I and the idolized person do, and it's like a nagging sickening feelings because I feel really super bad, but I can't tell this to my friend because they'd immediately drop me (or so I fear) or judge me to be a bad person ://

I feel so fucking lonely

one day, my therapist asked me what 'my person' means to me. as a person with attachment and abandonment issues, it was one major issue that flagged up whenever we spoke about the people in my life. I gave it some thought, kept away my deep rooted shame and embarrassment and tried to answer honestly. what does it mean to me to have a person, a permanent person, while being aro-ace and neurodivergent+MAD™. this is what it means to me - i want a person to look at, to make eye-contact with when i have to do public speaking; somebody to ground my floating mind that tries to leave the physical reality of an anxiety inducing event. I want a person to save me seats when I have to attend social gatherings and I'm looking around the room in all my awkward glory to find a place where i belong. I want a person to text me in the middle of the night, telling me they need me; and whom I can text when I need them without hesitation. I want a person whom I can feel comfortable being physically affectionate with without either of us having to worry about intentions or invitations. that's what it means to me to have a person. somebody who's my comfort being, safe space (and vice versa). somebody who will look to me when there's a request to pick a person. somebody who will stick by my side in a party when I'm feeling low, and somebody who will let me be when I'm feeling jittery. somebody who trusts me to be there for them, who unloads on me, and chooses me.

i write a lot about this because I yearn a lot for this. I don't know if I'll ever stop.

What happened with Achan how it led to self harm.

Me feeling like I don't belong anywhere, nowhere feels tight cause conflicts in both places and passively wanna die.

Me being here doesn't make any difference to anybody, life will continue as usual, I'm not important.

TW : MENTION OF SUICIDE

Do you also conjure up scenarios of you dying of suicide in multiple different ways and draw out how you're going to inform people and how they're going to react/feel and basically draw out a whole ass novel up in your head when you're feeling down and then once the story's done up in there, feel better and go live life monotonously like before the tiny breakdown or do you have good mental health?

usually for the most part, if someone doesn't reply to me or sends short replies, i can try and rationalize - takes a lot of effort, but I can do it. But lately, many people have been doing it and my brain is deducting that as a pattern and my bpd is acting up and i feel upset and betrayed and abandoned and hurt and rageeee and this pressure in my head to start fights which is so fucking difficult to manage/control, and i just want to scream at everyone and punch myself

something I'm proud of myself for : I have learned to ask for the things I need. A person to sit with when I study. Words of support when I'm freaking out over public speaking. Words of reassurance when I feel alone. Without shame, without guilt, without self criticism. and that's something.

8 t hink I need helpProfessional jelp

And not just my this therapist vaala help

Because sometimes I scare myself a

Nd I know I tell you still

Stuff

But trust me

What's going in my brain is so much worse than the stuff I tell you

The reason why I tell you so much in the first place is cause there so much more and if I didn't tell you the bare minimum I'd go out of my mind

And I need hekp

Please

I feel like I'm a bad feminist, a fake feminist because my family doesn't let me wear the clothes I want while going out from home. I have to either fucking ask for permission or have a huge ass argument just to wear what i want and I feel like I d o nt have control over my own body that I'm not the owner of my own body that I'm 2 fucking 1 years old and I still have to deal with this shit and I want to cry and scream and punch something

little thing i trained myself to practice-

whenever i share something that puts me in a vulnerable position, or something that's special to me; or i stand up for somebody else; or if I send something eg. a message or rant expresses myself and my opinions; and i don't get the desired response; or read a book that isn't "intellectual" enough and overthink if I've wasted that time like my family always claims; or anything that might arouse feelings of regret based on external parties, i ask myself *who did I do that for*/*who am I doing this for*. because what it comes down to it is that I'm doing all that for me. I'm being vulnerable with another person because I feel connected to them and i want to share this part with them; i stand up for people because that's my principle, one of my core values, and I'm being true to myself. I tell my loved what my boundaries are because it's my responsibility to set them for myself. It always comes down to me. And that gives me a sense of power, of autonomy, of self-respect. And my self-destructive, regretful thoughts don't send me down into a spiral and i can manage my bpd symptoms better.