I Have Achieved The Trifecta Of Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms - Binge Drinking, Binge Eating And Self Harm

okay, so I'm fat right? And all my life I've been conditioned with the prejudice that fat people can't be sexy, they can't be into sex stuff - the trope for a fat person was the funny sidekick who loves food and loves to tease their friends and be the butt of jokes. And I never minded that trope because I wasn't conscious of it, though at times it did rub me the wrong way. My family used to tell me if I lost weight I'd be able to dance better when I used to dance for fun in front of them (they meant it in a light way, but that made me an insecure mess who hated dancing - it took me a long time, and an entirely new beginning, to dance in front of people without being overly conscious of my every move), one of my ex classmates told me not even a pr*stitute would have sex with me (I can't even begin to point out how many things are wrong with that statement) and so on. So looking sexy or whatever has become empowering for me. Taking nudes and sending them to people (solicitedly of course), looking into the mirror fully naked, and wearing clothes that are revealing helped me in being comfortable with, and in, my body. For me, sex is something that has been so seperate from people like me, that I want to reclaim it and show people that - here, look, even fat people can dress sexily, even they can be sexual, even they can be into sex, even they can be sexual beings (DO NOT COUNT FETISHISM OR I'LL VIRTUALLY PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE). And that's been another um doubt, y'know? Like, people see me as this person who does things like this and I don't want them to mock me for being a fat person and believing it could be possible for me - if that makes sense. I know I look good when I do dress up, I mean you realise how you look after a certain point when you get complimented enough - I'm not being cocky, I know I fit into the cute/adorable/chirpy fat person stereotype, but I want to be more than that y'know? I don't want to infantilised just because I'm fat and cute. I'm also a sexual being (I don't mean to invalidate asexual or sex repulsed fat people, I'm talking about me, personally) and I'd like people to acknowledge that instead of feeling weirded out since society cannot see fat people and sexy/sexual together.

tl/dr : I want to dress the way I want to - also called slutty by our messed up society - because it empowers me.

My grandma has a friend who's in the houseboat business and my parents are planning for us to stay overnight on a house boat tommo, and my cousins are also coming along and i recently found out so is my aunt, and even before all that, i couldn't feel excited.my grandma looked so happy telling me about it but i just couldn't feel it and I don't know what's wrong with me

why am I so fucked up in the head why can't I ever appreciate things why am I such a downer

why is my feed like this 😭💀

cw : mention of death/s*icidal ideation; original content, based on prompt idea by @writingprompts365

::::::

Sunshine meant people; sunshine meant people, chatter, and moving about, forced to be a functional human being who had to survive in proper society. They hated how looking after their beloved pet had been turned into a chore by their family, how helping around seemed more like being ordered around; the injustice of never having a moment of peace and quiet, never having a moment of respite to themselves, the dread of having to be extraverted when the only thing they wanted to do was learn and write and read and goddamnit- be alone. But moonlight. Moonlight meant everything holy, precious, and hopeful. It meant dancing in the living room, eating cold chicken, listening to music on full blast, infinite creativity. Alas, nights were too short to fit one’s entire life into. Sleep was for the strong – for the ones who could manage time and socialization, for those who could live with people, for those who didn’t fall apart when denied solace in their own arms. They were weak, they did not sleep; if days were for existing, and nights were for living, had they not dreamed of dying for far too long to deserve to want to live?  

A character knows they should go to sleep but they purposefully do something else instead

I hate it when people do nice things for me on my birthday because I know that I don't deserve any of it and I'm a horrible person and I'm an imposter and I deserve only bad things but then that hurts too, but this hurts also

I feel like I'm unwanted, to my family, you know? Like, um, yesterday my grandpa and I were arguing a bit. I was eating Lay's and he wanted to check what company or something makes it, so while I was eating it he grabbed the packet and twisted it to see and I whined and I was like bad manners, I'm eating, how can you do that while I'm eating - in a whiney tone so that it wouldn't be rude cause they're elders and I can't show anger. And then he got pissed off and was you have so many bad manners, you trouble us and stuff, and then I was like there's a difference between bad manners and that, manners is like please and thank you and excuse me and all that - I was saying everything in a jokey tone, and the argument escalated and my grandpa was like what do you know, you know nothing, you are nothing and that just, fuck, that just hits differently y'know? Something like that.

And um, later on, before dinner, I was lurking around the kitchen cause my mom and grandma were there and I wanted to interact with people. And I was trying not to block the way, but I accidentally did and my grandma was like can you both (at me) give me some peace/quiet/space ( a Malayalam word, that's a rough translation ) - and she's like I'm going to die soon from all this hardwork and stuff, and looking after you (me) is enough for that to happen.

And my mom has MA psych classes and she's always in the room okay, the whole day, and sometimes it feels like that's all she cares about, she never wants to talk to me, never listens when I do talk, always looks at her phone, tries to get away as soon as she finishes eating - the only time she comes out - even if I'm sitting alone in the dining room, the last person to finish. So due to all that, sometimes I go into the room to annoy her in between classes because atleast I'll get some sort of attention, y'know? It's childish, I'm aware, but yeah. And my mom gets super pissed at me and stuff. And it usually is funny, but sometimes it just, it just feels like no one wants me around

In my family

This is my mom's family btw. My dad's family does want me around, but over there I'm nervous of criticism and judgement and stuff, because yeah. And I don't feel that comfortable talking to them because I don't know what to talk about cause it's unpredictable what they find unacceptable and wrong.

And my dad wants me to go to his place cause we've been at my mom's for quite a long time, but I don't want to because my kitten is here and it wouldn't be a good idea to bring the kitty there for many reasons and also because I like the vibe here - the place's vibe, if that makes sense. This house feels better, this area feels better, it feels good. So that's also conflicting.

I just feel like I'm just an annoyance or a burden to my family. And I don't know, I feel super upset

I want people to stop being mean to me, and rude to me. I want them to be nice, but I know I can't control what they say or do and I just feel so fucking horrible

Why are adults so mean to kids

Why do they use tones which seem like they just want to do whatever duty they have and then get rid of me

It's like, when they're angry or upset at me, they say horrible things. My grandpa uses bad language and my grandma would be like (they built a house in Palakkad - a village area, a few years ago because they were planning to move there. But my grandpa wanted to stay here because he wanted to be there for me and all, so they rented out the house) 'we should've gone to Palakkad, I told you (to my grandpa), but noo, you wanted stay here to fix your grandchild, it's all your fault' and stuff. So they just say whatever comes to their mouth without any consideration and that fucking sucks

I don't have any adult I can open up to. I used to open up to my uncle, but he kind of betrayed that, used it against me when he was worried/upset about me, in front of everyone. So I can't trust him anymore. And I told him I'd never be able to open up to him again when we talked about the issue and solved it. And I have no one else in my family, no other adult whom I can be emotionally vulnerable with.

I hate the fact that I'm so fucking fragile sometimes. Like, there are days when I have no energy and I like to make those days lazy days, y'know? I feel kind of numb inside, but light, and really smol™. And on these days, if anyone says or does the tiniest little thing, I get upset. Like, today for example, my socio ma'am raised her voice a little bit at me because she was getting annoyed at our class cause we weren't responding properly, and she was like I'm not talking about that when I accidentally said the wrong thing (she didn't say it in the bad way, she's an amazing person/teacher, she's my favorite) and I felt like crying, but I held it is. And then later on my grandpa scolded me for not obeying him and waking up early AT 7 (WTF, NEVER GONNA HAPPEN), and my grandma was like you better change from tomorrow before he stops saying nicely and starts getting angry and that made me sad. And then I was in a very fragile mood so I was spending a lot of time alone with myself, and then I spent some with my cousin. And after a while I was just feeling reallyyyy tired, so I stood outside looking at the sky and zoning out and she kept pushing my back, and it hurt a bit and I told her to stop it but she kept doing it, so I felt this very flat, no energy vaala anger and I told her if she does it again I'll push her back and she'll fall down because I'm strong, and she said no I won't, I don't mind, do it and I wanted to teach her a lesson so I did and she fell on her butt, and my dad started scolding me eventhough he was watching the entire thing. And that just added on to my fragile vaala mood, but I could control my tears and so I turned around to stare at the sky again after apologizing to her. But she started doing it again and I got upset and I stormed into my room and started crying. I feel so pathetic because I'm so fucking sensitive. Like, no person is this sensitive. WTF is wrong with me. A few days ago, there was this huge conflict at home, and just, I dunno. Whatever. I'm a bad person and I deserve to die.

I wanna bitch slap my roommate

um so we have a group assignment and a person I already hold bias against (despite being a friend *sigh* splitting sucks) suggested a topic after I did and people liked that more + when I said it's all interconnected and could be a common one topic, another friend said ooh yes but then former she was like ya but let's not make it complicated and then everyone agreed and now I feel pissed and annoyed and I feel like I wanna tell them to fuck off and that I leave the group and that I'm not going to say anything else if they're not taking anything I'm saying (even if their points are a lil valid) and I'm taking it all personally and I wanna rage against all of them fuckers eventhough one of the other people in the group is a best friend and I feel sick with anger and I hate bpd fuck this fuck everything

my grandma thinks i shouldn't over-share with my friends matters related to the family (w/ good intentions). but my whole entire life my friends have been my only confidantes and now all of the sudden, my family is learning to be supportive and understanding, and i have to not-do what I've already done? Even now, my first instinct is to reach out to a friend when I'm emotionally bleh , even when huge ass fights happen at home. I just can't not do that