I Wish The Gods Could Fix Me. I Hate Being This Way.

i might be doing really terrible on the emotional regulation front but in my defense ive had a gaping hole in my chest since i was 12

the way i see blake looking back at me in the mirror and i can’t even be bothered to care right now.

oh the things i wish i could tell him LMFAO

hey uh reblog if you’re a vent/mental health blog? I want more people to follow.

damn. miss you a lot rn my michael

i hate that i can never give up on people, i want things to stop hurting so bad. he doesn’t care, at all. all of those years meant nothing. i shouldn’t care either.

forever lucifer ig

it’s this pink haired girl, her pink vape, and her Gods against the world i think.

general appreciation post to my gods below:

Ares- i will never be able to repay you for all of the fight that you’ve instilled within me this semester. i made it through a shitload of work and some really god awful days without going to the psych ward yet this year. you deserve more appreciation than i could ever give and i cannot wait for the day that i will be able to properly worship and have an altar in your name.

Hermes- you were the one who started this all for me. without you i would have never discovered the light of the gods. i thank you every single day for this reason, and i will continue to thank you until the day that this life is over for always being my north star.

Hestia- i thank you for blessing my room (home) and my worship, and also the ability to subtlety pray when i can. Thank you Lady Hestia for all that you have given me.

Zeus- i thank you all father for the blessings you have given me, for the blessings i have been too blind to outright recognize, and for always being there. thank you.

May i stay pious, may i be a good person, may the light of the Gods continue to sine on me for eternity.

i say this shit and literally a day later am doing not very well at all. god i hate the constant shifts and mood swings

it’s 5am and i’m listening to the birds chirping, i hear my breath, and the soft indie music that always is coming from my phone. i note that there is pink in the sunrise this morning and that i do not dread the day ahead of me like i have for my entire life.

the work is noticeable sometimes, proper therapy and medication pays off.

we're all under the same moon, and that's enough for me.

god life has been so messy lately, take me back to a month ago.

Worship Wednesday

Hermes Epimelius, Keeper of the Flock. Hermes' shepherd aspect is one of my favorites. There's strong comparisons to the Great Shepherd. He guides the flocks through their journey, watching out for them as they go. He watches out for us in a similar way. There have been many times he's guided me through my life, assisting me in progressing through it. Hermes Epimelius cares for all of his flock. Not one member goes unnoticed. He's always looking out for danger. And while he won't always protect us from everything, he won't let us go through anything he knows we're not able to handle. He will step in if the danger becomes too great. He loves his flock and wants to see them succeed.

This week's question: Have you ever been through a time in your life where it was clear Hermes was guiding you through it?

i wish i still had michael. right now he would let me talk about the weight of the world that is currently squeezing the life out of my very lungs- until i physically could no longer keep my eyes open and it turned some ungodly hour of the night. he would hear my deepest darkest fears, he would hear how i have to face them to make the right decision, he wouldn’t make me do it alone like i currently have to. he would stand outside in the rain, or pick me up a pint of ice cream from three hours away, or just take me on a drive into utter oblivion. he would let me lay my head on his lap in the backseat of his car, or he’d help me grab a blanket to go stare at the stars, and he wouldn’t complain about how my tears are soaking into his clothes yet again when he finally coaxed me to talk about it all.

he would stand by me until i felt like i could stand on my own again.

i hate this. i cant do this on my own. i don’t have anyone who could let me talk this out in the way that i need to. i don’t even know what i would say, but with him the words would just tumble straight from my heart right out of my mouth.

i need that safe space, i don’t know how to ask someone to do that- i don’t even know if you could.

this was written during a suicidal episode, so please bear with the fragmented thoughts and overall vagueness of the big feelings I was feeling.