Therapists Saying You're Surprisingly Self Aware Is Like Being Called A Pleasure To Have In Class For

Every time I think about messaging or calling someone, I have to remind myself that no one cares. If they did you wouldn't have to be the one always reaching out. They'd probably check up on you by now.

thinking you're being overdramatic and paranoid over nothing only to be proven completely right is such a sickening feeling.

i was so small and new when i was ruined, i never stood a chance

that feeling when you see everyone around you get treated with love and attention, and all that’s left for you is to watch from afar and wish that it was you.

One minute you’re recovering so well, feeling like life is worth living and you are worth loving. The next you are alone again, feeling 13 years old and harming yourself, reminded of why no one could ever like you in the first place. I fear I will always return back to that person…

some days i think i’m okay and some days i wish i was six feet in the ground

i know deep down i really am never going to make it, and this will end by my own hands

Living with bpd means feeling like someone thrust their hand into your chest and ripped out your heart just because they looked at you wrong.

I don't see myself and my child self as the same person. As a child I was so good. I love her and I think that she deserves the world, but it breaks my heart to know that she is cursed to grow into me.

One day food stops being a treat and then it becomes a sin. One day she will start to smile as she almost falls as she stands up because that means that it's working.

When she does eat she hates herself.

And she misses the days where she felt beautiful. When she didn't get dizzy every time she sees sharp objects. When she didn't know what they feel like in her skin. When she didn't do it anyway because it hurts twice as much when she is so afraid.

And she can't help but wonder when it changed. When she started looking for the diet version of everything. When she stopped eating with her family. When she convinced herself that she was so utterly unlovable.

I wish I could save her because I deserve this but she doesn't. She was young and good. She deserved to end up happy. But she will end up where I am now. And playing dress up will change into dressing the cuts on her skin.

Suddenly make believe food is all that she will eat. Suddenly she's afraid to hug her mom because she knows that she'll feel her bones and she's come too far to stop now.

And she will realize that there is nothing keeping her here except for her fear.

This young girl who had so much love and so many dreams and ambitions is withering away as she grows but nothing changes because she is already too far gone.

And she watches as her health deteriorates because that means that she is small.

But once upon a time she was small, but she was happy and she didn't need to be small because that was not all that she was.

She was smart and kind and hopeful and so so loving

But now she is dying

And she is happy because she will finally be small again and then maybe someone will finally love her like they did back then

Because no one loves her unless she is fading

And she just wants to be held but no one is there anymore and she dreams of the big and warm arms from when she was young, but now her concerns don't make sense anymore, and people are getting tired of her

But she was once a small girl and that girl is doomed because one day she will stop loving herself and she will change everything just to feel loved even for a second

I'm sorry little me. You deserved better and I love you and I'm sorry that I failed you. You were too good for me.

the tragedy of tumblr is you will inevitably meet people who you should be having a sleepover with. you should be rolling around on their floor and rummaging through their fridge and watching shitty movies with. you should be shopping with should be going out to a cafe with should be wandering through the aquarium with. people who you should be experiencing quotidian joys with... and you cannot! because they live one million miles away