Thisfeelswrong - This Feels Wrong

do you ever think you're special to someone, but then you see this person acting the same with everyone else and you're just kind of

oh, alright

I fucking hate looking in the mirror. Why the fuck do I look like that and why the fuck can’t I be different and how the fuck can anyone even tolerate being near me.

bpd feels like you’re constantly begging for affection because normal amounts of affection doesn’t feel like enough

I think it's so much worse this time because for the first time, I had someone. I had someone who I wanted to tell everything and do everything with anf it was reciprocated... For a bit.

But now, that's gone, but it feels like a new and beautiful path to happiness was unlocked and I got to see it and experience how wonderful it was, but now its gone. And even though it hurt so bad most of the time that good times were euphoric.

Nothing can compare to it now. So everything feels hollow and empty.

And I can't get it back because there is not a single soul on this god forsaken earth that would ever want me. Even the one who claimed to like all my odd habits left me and hasn't looked back once or regretted it.

I was just that easy to leave apparently.

But now I wish for a type of love that I will never have because who could ever love me? I sit here aching and so so empty.

I think it might've been better to never love at all. To not have any of these memories of a happiness I'll never have again.

I think it would hurt a lot less that way.

Because I know I gave it everything. It consumed my whole heart and soul and I had so much love to give because finally someone chose me! But now that love has nowhere to go because I got left out of nowhere like there was never a reason to stay.

So now I sit with all that love that I never got to give and it eats me alive. It feels like poison. The empty ache never leaves and when I finally make one step of progress I get sent right back again. And then suddenly there's more poison. Because my hope still hasn't gone away. It stupid and oh so painful but I still hope with my whole heart that I'd be enough to come back for, but I keep getting hurt time and time again.

And I can't stop myself. I go back willingly the second you show interest in me. Because my pride is already gone. My mind is already a mess, you can't possibly ruin it more than you already have.

I have nothing to lose and everything to gain, but everytime that I do gain something, I lose it right away. And I face pain all over again because I never thought that the world could be that cruel. I didn't think I would lose my only lifeline once again, but I should've learned by now.

No one was ever going to save me. They're just going to watch me flail and struggle as I try to find even the most insignificant reason to live. And then they cruely yank it away from me.

I can't keep going like this.

It would be easier just to drown.

bpd is distancing yourself because their tone slightly changed and then running back crying to them begging them to love you

i’m so tired

“I can’t talk right now, I’m doin hot girl shit”

*reads fanfiction for 3 hours*

*daydreams about my favorite characters and actors*

*takes a nap*

Living with bpd means feeling like someone thrust their hand into your chest and ripped out your heart just because they looked at you wrong.

It doesn't matter how far I've come, how hard I tried or how much I gave.

At the end of the day I'm just a sad little girl curled up on her bathroom floor wondering why she can't ever be someone's first choice.

Wondering why it never got better like they all said it would.