Amen, Amen, Amen.

Amen, amen, amen.

For victims of abuse, it’s almost essential to gain ability to stop empathising with our abusers, not only because it’s keeping us trapped in their manipulations, but because we deserve to know that we don’t have to prioritize the feelings of a person who is actively doing harm to us.

Empathy for victims of abuse is almost mandatory, to the point where we’re punished for every moment we’re not displaying extreme and unconditional empathy for the abusers. We can get called out and berated for simply going about our business and not thinking of what the abuser might want of us in the particular second. We get shamed for ‘not knowing better’ and 'failing our role’ if we take a minute to consider our own needs.

When they’re doing their usual play – hurting us, then quickly acting hurt and playing the victim, bringing out their past trauma, crying about how hard they have/had it, how our feelings hurt them, even in the case we don’t fall for it, and refuse to apologize and accept that our feelings are just collateral damage in their personal crusade, we will get attacked immediately for being an emotionless and selfish person. Fail to react empathetic to the abuser’s guilt trip will get us called out for being horrible, for not caring, for being the most vicious demon, the worst person, the most unworthy and ungrateful human being in the world. That kind of thing sticks. We don’t just get over that. It becomes etched in our brains that displaying empathy, even to someone who is walking all over us, is our biggest priority, that showing empathy is the last thing that might protect us against an even bigger outburst, that might help us deserve to not be attacked for our lack of morality. We don’t get to be mad. We don’t get to stand up for ourselves. We have to put up a display of empathy or endure personal attacks that will make us feel like we don’t deserve to live.

To finally be able to cut the empathy and stand up against the abuser, is an act that fights years, maybe decades of brainwashing and conditioning. To not care if the abuser has it bad anymore, means we faced and fought years of trauma, lies, personal attacks, self doubt, self hatred, pain and injustice. Abusers want to take away our ability not to care, not to empathize and not to prioritize them, and seizing that back means seizing ourselves back, existing in a place where our empathy is not mandatory anymore, where we’re not pure compassionate receptacles of trauma anymore. Where empathy isn’t forced and squeezed out of us under the threat of pain. Where our value and personality isn’t dictated by whether we endlessly forgive and accept people who will only continue hurting us and bringing trauma into our life.

It is not a mark of a healthy and normal human being to offer our entire compassion and understanding to a creature who is destroying us in return. If someone proves to be a danger to us, it’s normal to disregard everything except the knowledge that this is a threat, and nothing else to us. To keep away because our well being shouldn’t be put under a fear of a constant threat. We are normal for following our sense of self-preservation and turning away from whatever is damaging us, regardless of how sad or upset this being becomes. We are not to be a collateral damage to someone’s misery or manipulation. Our empathy doesn’t have to be an opening to accept harm. We can save our empathy for those who also feel for us. We’re not bad people if we close up under a threat of abuse, and want to retreat to safety. We’re not evil, cruel or selfish for extending our hearts only to those who also keep ours safe.

More Posts from Twistybat and Others

twistybat

1 year ago

Horrifying. And worse, accurate.

You can be groomed for more than just sexual exploitation. You can be groomed into becoming someone’s caretaker, someone’s perfect fantasy, someone’s illusion of a partner they want. You can be groomed into being someone’s experiment or a toy. You can be groomed into believing you owe someone to take advantage of you thousand times. You can be groomed into giving all your resources and labour away. You can be groomed into rejecting your own humanity and offering yourself up as a servant or a resource to someone. Grooming can overtake any and all parts of your life.

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twistybat

1 year ago

Newest batch of Man-Bat serum wasn't potent enough and Kirk doesn't transform all the way

Inspired by the way @inkdrawndreamer draws Kirk (I just wanted to draw him with those pointy ears tooo!!)

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twistybat

3 years ago

Things I couldn't do in my abuser's house that I can do now:

Take a bath whenever I feel like it

Leave my room whenever I need or want to

Leave the house and arrive back whenever I need or want to

Play music while I cook and dance and sing around the house

Step on the noisy floor tiles

Walk into rooms without peeking in to make sure no one's in them

Leave my belongings all around the house without worrying they'll be broken

Eat everything that's in my fridge without fear it wasn't meant for me

Choose what's in my fridge

Choose when the heating is turned on

Choose what to watch on TV

Choose how to organise my time

Arrive to places on time because I get to choose when I leave the house

Invite my friends home whenever I feel like it

Feel free to add your own! Let's spread some positivity :)

And for those of you who still live with your abusers and need to hear this: it won't last forever. One day, you too will be able to feel safe and in control in your own home ❤️

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twistybat

1 year ago

We are now in the two last months of the year, and I hope they will bring wonderful moments. I also just wanted to remind you that there is still time if there it something you have been meaning to do this year, but haven’t gotten around to for whatever reason.

I also wanna say that if this year has been difficult and you do not feel like you did enough, then please be extra kind to yourself in these months. Sometimes when we feel like we have been doing too little or nothing, it is because we have been fighting or some things has been out of our control. Both those scenarios are rough. And I want to remind you of that, of how exhausting it can be, of how strong you are, of how loved you are and of how enough you are.

I hope this last part of the year brings you ease and leaves you more hopeful than you think it will. 🌸

Tags

december november kindness suggestions month well wishes

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twistybat

2 years ago

Graffiti in Rockville, Maryland in memory of 23-year old Saudi trans woman Eden Knight.

Eden died after being forcibly detransitioned in Saudi Arabia, after being trafficked from the US by a security contractor named Michael Pocalyko.

Rest in peace Eden

Transphobes will not win

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twistybat

2 years ago

If you experienced trauma in childhood or had a rough childhood, dude listen to me. Offer yourself play. You were deprived of it.

Keep bubbles in the house, blow bubbles in the yard, blow them in your room, get a coloring book that doesn’t have to be an adult one with mandalas, watch cartoons, laugh at stupid things, dress up as a superhero for Halloween, wear a Santa hat on Christmas and big light up snowflake earrings, lay down on the floor, lay down in the grass, eat eggos for dinner sometimes. It’s not stupid. You’re not childish. You’re giving your inner child what they had taken from them. They deserve it.

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twistybat

1 year ago

Need to remember this.

knowing what you need to do ≠ the ability to do it

give yourself grace while you learn

be gentle with yourself when you are stuck

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twistybat

1 year ago

I don’t want to date. I just want to magically end up in a long-term and emotionally-secure relationship with someone cute

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