You Know What People Don’t Talk About Often Enough? Playing Catch Up In Life After Spending Your Teens

by Cat Mallard

If your parent is a covert narcissist, then most of the usual narcissistic parent information won’t ring as true, and instead you’ll be in a situation where you feel great worry, concern, protectiveness, desire to care for, desire to rescue, feeling responsible for, and longing to be acknowledged and loved by your parent.

Your parent was always the ‘weak one’, and you were the one who was strong, and there to protect them. There was a neverending stream of afflictions plaguing your parent – they struggled with the child care, they had a tough time being married to the other parent, they were sick, they were bullied by the other family members/people at work, they had too much housework to do, or the housework too hard and they were too weak to handle it, they worried about the future, they didn’t know what to do or how to go about life, they lacked support, nobody took care of them, nobody gave them affection. And you wanted to rescue them so badly. You were there for everything, if something needed to get done, you tried your best to do it in order to spare your parent the extra worry and work, you anxiously tried to help them as they were sick, you stood up for them when they were bullied, you reassured them and tried to take as much stress as possible on yourself, only so they would have to do less.

It never worked. Regardless of how much housework you did, or how hard you tried to ease the tensions or make sure they have the peace and care to get better, they would never be quite okay. And it always felt like you were so close to getting your parent to a place where they’d be fine, and then, they would finally have space in their life to love you. Because, in your head, your parent did love you, only they were always so preoccupied with their own life, they could never relax enough to show it to you. So they never did anything you did for them – they didn’t protect you, or stand up for you when you were bullied/abused, they didn’t nurture you or take care for you when you were sick, they didn’t help with your studying or chores, they didn’t give you their time or affection. And you felt empty, but you understood it was only because they couldn’t, they were never okay enough to do it. You had to be strong enough to handle it all for them.

Sometimes, they’d lash out at you, and say things you were sure they didn’t mean. And you understood even then, they only did it because other people were bullying them, and they had to lash out at someone. Or they didn’t understand it was wrong. Or they didn’t realize it would hurt you because they were used to you being so tough. You still believed that deep inside, they loved you. Hateful words from them hurt you immensely, but you couldn’t find it in your heart to accuse such a troubled and anxious person of being a bad parent, you didn’t even want to think about how badly this would hurt them. Getting angry at them was likewise impossible, because you understood just too well where they were coming from, and you felt so bad and worried for them already, you couldn’t even think about turning against them. You didn’t want them to have to deal with life without you, when it was already so hard for them.

It was next to impossible for you to realize that you were neglected, because you were the one who was supposed to provide care and solutions. You didn’t have love, but in your heart, the love existed, just out of your reach, just a bit more work to get it. And if it never happened, you blamed yourself for not being enough to get it. Abuse from someone who you were so worried and concerned for, doesn’t read as an abuse, but as action from a person in desperation with no other option but to lash out. Your entire experience growing up was the one of ‘unavoidable’ and ‘necessary’ pain. 

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Happy pride! I know many horrible things are happening, but please remember that joy can be an act of rebellion. Shine your light, your colours. Show up as the authentic you whenever you feel safe to do so, and I hope one day that is everywhere at all times. You deserve to live a life that is authentic to you, and the thing is about authenticity is that it ripples out into the world and sometimes it reaches someone who needs it and makes them feel seen and understood, and maybe even makes them a little more brave and a little more hopeful. I wish you hope and I wish you joy! 🌸

Brilliant strategy. (Perfect for secret agents/spies such as myself.)

A friend once told me that when they are struggling with getting laundry done, she pretends it is her sworn duty to smuggle the young prince out of the castle to safety, disguised in a laundry hamper.

Now, when I am struggling with hygiene, I pretend I am part of a village with an annual festival, and I get one day a year to spend luxuriously at a bathhouse in preparation.

What my friend imparted on me was the skill of turning mundane tasks into fantastical adventures to make them more compelling and bearable.

So next time you need to go on a mental health walk, maybe consider doing reconnaissance for a secret underground organisation.

Next time cooking is too much of a chore, consider you ability to turn space station rations into a feast to the delight of your crewmates.

I need each and every person who sees this to pay attention to what is going on with the Indian Child Welfare Act.

The same SCOTUS that refered to tribal land as a territory of the state is about to hear a case that might overturn ICWA.

ICWA allows Alaska Natives and Native Americans control over the adoption and foster care placement of Native American and Alaska Children. In practice what this ensures is that if a Native American or Alaska Native child cannot be raised with their parents', the extended family will be given custody. If the extended family cannot care for the child, the child is placed with a family in their tribe or, barring that, with a family who is Native American or Alaska Native.

This act is important for two reasons:

For centuries, Native Americans and Alaska Natives were forcibly assimilated into White culture. From the 1800s to the late 1900s, children were taken from their families and either adopted out to White people or put in boarding schools. If parents refused, they were sometimes incarcerated, and they could lose custody of their other children. There are cases where tribes would hide their children and tell people who came that they had none...so the white people started showing up uannounced. The children sent to these schools were abused. Some were murdered. And survivors still live with the trauma. ICWA was passed to stop this...but not even 50 years after it being passed, it's at risk.

Native Americans and Alaska Natives are constitutionally guaranteed sovereignty. We all know the government picks and chooses when it wants to honor that, but Native Americans and Alaska Natives are supposed to have sovereignty. The idea that one country can step in and tell sovereign tribes and nations that they are not allowed to control the placement of their own children should be absurd. The U.S. doesn't tell Britain what to do with their foster care system...but the SCOTUS knows that Native Americans and Alaska Natives don't have an army or navy like Britain does. Because of this the SCOTUS believes it has the right to violate years of precedent and treaties. It knows that it will be protected no matter what it decides.

So I'm asking people to keep an eye on ICWA. I'm asking them to boost the signal. And I'm asking them to protest if it falls.

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Abusers love to pretend to be misunderstood and dealing with a lot of pain, guilt, concern or fear at all times. They love to make out their past so it seems like they’re some kind of tragic hero, or someone who is only abusive because of everything they’ve bee thru. They will yell at you for “not considering their feelings enough”, you can recognize it in phrases “do you ever think about how it is for me? do you think i enjoy doing this?” as if you are the one ignoring their feelings, and not the reverse. Even when they look happy you’re supposed to always assume that deep inside they’re in some kind of pain and be as understanding as possible.

Don’t get fooled by this. People who are dealing with a lot of pain, guilt, concern, shame, and fear don’t take it out on their closest ones. People who are aware of what compassion is wont yell at you for not taking enough of their feelings into account. People who are living with pain and regret don’t look fucking smug and self-important all the time! People who live in shame wouldn’t risk hurting you and increasing shit they’re feeling ashamed about! People who are hurt and living in a lot of pain wouldn’t just go and try to make you feel awful about yourself too! They wouldn’t make inappropriate jokes or call you names or try to convince you that if they feel bad, you need to feel bad too, and if they are doing that, then you are not supposed to take their feelings into account anymore! 

Your empathy should not extend to those who have it as a goal to hurt you, when another person wants to cause you pain, this is where your empathy for them should end. No matter what they’re pretending to go thru, doesn’t it feel a little bit too convenient that their lives are so “tragic” and “misunderstood” and for that reason you’re supposed to just let them take it out on you and “understand where they’re coming from”? If they’re leading you to believe you’re a bad person if you don’t let them hurt you, they can just fuck off! It’s just a sham to make you believe that allowing them to cause you pain is noble from you, it’s not, your life has bigger value than to be a punching bag for someone, noble thing is to protect your life from that kind of parasite.