What Am I?

Alternate universe

In an alternate universe

I am 14 and alone in my room

And my hands havent harmed myself yet

Tw: self harm

Broken mosaic

Broken like a mosaic, this grief is beautiful.

Cold as a grave, this silence is peaceful.

A pain drenched tartarus was what made childhood.

A longing filled asphodel is what makes life cruel.

Sinister evil spirits, they whisper in the dark.

Cold harsh voice, it will shatter up your heart.

The silence kept saying with such delicacy.

But mind kept begging for sincere secrecy.

So close your little eyes, home is full of ghosts.

Hide your own self, it is terrifying to be known.

Shred your skin, once again you'll be filled with relief.

One last cut; an eternity of sleep.

The worst thing you ever did was to make me believe I could be loved

Unguarded

I'm sorry I let you see me unguarded.

Let you see my darkness, left you forever haunted.

I'm sorry I killed you with my insecurities.

The atrocity, your ghost is keeping me company.

I'm sorry If I ever dared to make you cry.

For even the skies could fade at the blue of your eyes.

I'm sorry I could never quite be adequate.

You deserve everything and I'm so horribly limited.

I'm sorry I dreamt of us, peaceful under the moon.

A fever dream for someone who only knows how to ruin.

I'm sorry I blamed everything on the distance.

I can't get you to love me without this deafening silence.

I'm sorry I ever thought that we were binary stars.

Always said "I understand" even with a shattered heart.

I'm sorry I didn't listen to my obscene thoughts.

When they precisely said that misery was all I brought.

I'm sorry my hatred wasn't loud enough to hide yours.

A wreckage cannot be loved. I should've hidden my scars.

I'm sorry I ever let you see the real me.

I'll stay constrained just so you won't leave.

I'll hide myself a little to help you breathe. 

Losing a friend

Ask me where it hurts

Everywhere I'll say

Ask me if I miss you

Everyday I'll say

And I wonder

Your voice so sweet through a telephone.

Your presence is a comfort, oh it feels like home.

Dancing on your roof while it's raining above.

And i wonder if you feel it grow.

Your touch like velvet, would I ever refrain?

Honey brown eyes, oh they drive me insane.

A nasty chase and we meet again.

And I wonder if you'd like to stay.

Your skin shines bright like an afterglow.

Your laugh's a symphony, oh I wish I could own.

Your love is a cure, I'm a ruined soul.

And I wonder if you'll ever know.

I want to kill myself just enough for you to visit. Atleast then I'll get to see you somewhere that's not just my dreams.

The grave that I call my home

Where love doesn't exist.

The monster that I call my father

For whom peace doesn't exist.

The demon that I call my mother

For whom compassion doesn't exist.

The nightmare that I call my world

For which I dont exist.

The despair that I call myself

For whom joy doesnt exist.

The curse that I call my life

Where living doesn't exist.

You were scared to ruin me

I assured you that you wouldn't

The unsaid truth was this:

I was already ruined

Long before I met you

Long before I knew how to love

And even before you became my home

.

But you left and it felt like death

Everyone said I'd get used to it

The cruel desire was this:

I don't want to get used to you

I don't want time to heal me

I always want you to be

An unbearable ache that kills me

.

My mind is being held hostage by you

And even in grief you feel like home

The maddening question is this:

Will you love the monster in me?

Will you love me at the end of the world?

Will you simply just love me?

Spring is awaking from its slumber 🤍💐🌾