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Rachel Dashae / mamudsny

New York, New York. October 2015.

New Dom(me) tip: the unsafe word

Since I’ve been on here, it’s been an exceptional pleasure to see so many new people getting more involved in BDSM. One of the first things they learn is that you never play unless it’s safe, sane, and consensual and that your safe word is your safety net for consent.

I cannot stress how crucial this lesson is for all people new to BDSM; understand it and learn it well.

But one thing they’re often told is that a safe word isn’t always safe.

One of the many examples of this occurred just last month. R and I had decided to do a heavy pain scene. Although not always a “natural sub”, R can be an extraordinary masochist.

That night we started with quite a firm spanking before tying R up and moving to the flogger. Within a few minutes she was moaning and rocking her hips up to meet each hit, literally dripping as the impact radiated through her body.

We progressed from the flogger through to the paddle, crop, and finally the cane, R’s moans coming with less frequency as she started to breathe deeply and slowly. This was no cause for alarm, she goes to her happy space when she’s in that type of pain and just allows it to wash through her. It’s a meditative trance which always leaves her completely exhausted but utterly blissed out.

However, I became aware that something wasn’t quite right. She wasn’t just quiet, she’d gone still. I put the cane down and checked in with her, as I always do in some form before increasing the intensity in any scene. My instinct was correct, she was awake but she wasn’t present, in fact when quizzed, she wasn’t even sure what impact toy I’d been using 10 seconds earlier.

I untied her, carried her to the shower and held her in my arms as she slowly came back to earth.

The purpose of this story is to demonstrate just how truly dangerous it is to rely solely on a safe word to determine when you stop a scene. At that point, R had no grip on reality or even the sensations she was experiencing. Had I been waiting for her to safe word, I would easily have done significant damage and she would most likely have gone into quite serious shock during the scene.

In many instances, despite the fact that they are fully aware of the risks of the scene, a sub or bottom won’t have the ability to safe word.

Not only does this occur when they go into a “sub space” but also if they decide to play while under the influence of alcohol or drugs, or any other time when their mental faculties are impacted. While that is generally not recommended (especially with inexperienced people), it’s a simple fact that a lot of subs/bottoms love that sort of play and have established a solid enough rapport with their top to decide to do that.

As a Dom(me)/top, you have an extraordinary responsibility to ensure that you have control of the scene. It’s a duty to not only immediately stop the scene upon the use of a safe word but to also know when to call it on behalf of your partner.

Ceding all power to only stop a scene today the use of the safe word is not only lazy, it’s potentially deadly.

I’m not the first to write about Safe, Sane, and Consensual vs Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) so make sure you educate yourself. RACK play can be unbelievably intense and a huge turn on, but it really should be conducted between two (or more) very experienced players who have played before. This is a conversation you absolutely must have with any new partner and you should know him/her well in a sexual sense before trying it out.

Yes, there’s a risk, especially in the early days, that you’ll stop a scene earlier than your partner would actually have liked. But a scene can be recommenced, and the atmosphere rebuilt pretty quickly. But your partner will be safe in the knowledge that they can trust you with their body.

Have fun, play hard and play safe.

Yours,

The Gentleman

A simple flyer about nerve damages’ education and prevention in rope bondage. Feel free to share, print and use. Exist also in french, italian and spanish, but not in klingon nor dwarf. Not yet. Credits: Antoine Savalski, Elsa Depont Many thanks to Shibari Circus

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