Uni Has Been Such A Weird And Alienating Experience, Granted I’m In My First Year And It’s A Huge

The Watermelon Woman (1996), dir. Cheryl Dunye

Palo Alto (2013)

i don’t get periods often like i’ve had a year where i didn’t have one at all and i also was really late into having one but im on it now and im horny as hell AND in pain ? how does this work

tw: sh

everytime i’ve talked to someone and the doctors about my mental health they’ve just assumed im a teenage girl who’s going through it and like that it’s regular degular shit and there’s this underlying comment that ‘at least you’re not harming yourself’ WHEN I AM! like yes i am and the marks are visible and my mom literally mentioned how the scars couldn’t be scratches.. like i don’t know how them knowing would help but maybe acknowledging that im not lying when i say i dont want to live would be a start.

i know i’m too much like i want them all for myself like for them not to talk to ANYONE i feel so fucked up. but if what i’m saying is weird im just hoping they are forward with me cause i keep on telling them how i feel weird that im jealous and they’re ok with it???

i love shoshanna and ray (separately and together despite their problematic nature) like i don’t know why they both make me feel this eternal sadness especially ray.

like i genuinely love girls so much! hannah’s ocd episode makes me feel vulnerable and same with jessa. even marnie makes me feel sad.

diary of an aging girl #1

I grew up with this overwhelming shadow of discreetness, I stayed still in the uncomfortable seats of my school waiting for my peers to turn and acknowledge me.

In being discreet and timid, my need to feel more than a child, more than a girl hoping for a better future came to fruition. I think about it now and how desperate of a fourteen year old I was, desperate to be understood and taken care of. To talk with someone who understood my feelings more than I did, who had already surpassed the years of longing and had become their own person.

What transpired until I became an adult was something sinister and addictive. I can read back through my old journals and see this girl who knew what she wanted even in the haze of desperation, even when she knew it was wrong.

But I can remember the intricate ways in which these men who were aware of my age understood this brutal need and took my desperation as a total yes into corrupting something that should have been mine for many years to come. It had happened too fast and for too long, when my mind was trying to come to terms with an identity brewing.

I like to think I have put past those memories, especially after coming out as a lesbian. I still have this need to be wanted and it distorts with my hypersexual tendencies. It’s not a good thing and framing my younger self as desperate is not ideal since I’m sure at the time it was just a need to feel desired.

-doaag xx

i ❤️ rilo kiley

just bought my first s*x toy and i’m petrified if my mom opens my package cause it’s coming tomorrow or that i won’t like it …

Photo from the Dirt Dyke Dive, Leeds, 2025

Custom carabiner made by J West Engraving (you can order your own here)

📸: Eli Williams