This Is What They Texted Me:

Emo Artists with koalas pt1

sometimes i feel so detached from the femme identity just because of like certain elements of who i am.. like im really tall and i’m fat and like they’re not necessarily things i gaf about but it’s clear that it’s not the ideal type. like im fully ok with itv but idk something to ponder about

diary of an aging girl #1

I grew up with this overwhelming shadow of discreetness, I stayed still in the uncomfortable seats of my school waiting for my peers to turn and acknowledge me.

In being discreet and timid, my need to feel more than a child, more than a girl hoping for a better future came to fruition. I think about it now and how desperate of a fourteen year old I was, desperate to be understood and taken care of. To talk with someone who understood my feelings more than I did, who had already surpassed the years of longing and had become their own person.

What transpired until I became an adult was something sinister and addictive. I can read back through my old journals and see this girl who knew what she wanted even in the haze of desperation, even when she knew it was wrong.

But I can remember the intricate ways in which these men who were aware of my age understood this brutal need and took my desperation as a total yes into corrupting something that should have been mine for many years to come. It had happened too fast and for too long, when my mind was trying to come to terms with an identity brewing.

I like to think I have put past those memories, especially after coming out as a lesbian. I still have this need to be wanted and it distorts with my hypersexual tendencies. It’s not a good thing and framing my younger self as desperate is not ideal since I’m sure at the time it was just a need to feel desired.

-doaag xx

how can being shy and reserved be unique and good when you strive for and need community? when you want to make more friends, like minded etc, when you want to be intimate with someone?

i guess it’s good when you don’t want to do those things but I DO. i want to engage with people i want to have control on when i speak which includes speaking not just being quiet.

i hate when people are nonchalant even when i give them a way out. like im asking you, if you don’t want to talk, you don’t have to but they don’t take it. they’ll still reply with the most blandest shit and it’s not like i want much i just want to have a convo

I spent so much time in my twenties convinced that my life was over, that I somehow ruined it beyond repair, that I was doomed to the life I had and nothing more. and now, in my mid thirties, i’m like wow.. this shit has actually just begun! I can and will create the life I want!

it’s such a beautiful song

i want to pull my ribcage open and place you inside next to my heart. to hold you close. to keep you warm. to keep you safe.

i'll tear my body apart for you