Jason [monologuing]: — After Me There Aren’t Any Other Robins Hurt At The Hands Of The Joker, And

Every time I see one of the “Bruce Wayne collects orphans” or “where does Batman get all these children???” jokes, I get this little ping in my head because, yes, it is a good joke, very funny, bonus points if it’s other characters trying and failing to combine Broody McBroodface with Tired DadTM. But also… 

I just can’t shake the conviction that no one is as baffled and bewildered by his ever increasing number of children than Bruce Wayne himself.

Like, this man clearly never intended to be a dad. He is Vengeance and Justice Committed to The Mission. Kids don’t factor into that. And to that point, it’s worth noting that none of his kids were premeditated. At no point has Bruce ever thought “maybe I want a(nother) kid.” They just sorta…happen. And not even in the usual way! (Mostly)

Like, Dick? Bruce wasn’t going “orphan shopping.” He went to the circus to to relax for once in his godforsaken life and wow, would you look at that, a vivid recreation of his own trauma and, oh, who’s this kid Batman keeps running into on patrol, wait, this is the same kid?! Whoops, I guess I’m raising this kid now, Alfred how do you raise a kid!?!

Jason? Yeah, Bruce was just doing his usual Batman thing when he ran into a homeless kid and somehow got too attached. Tim just showed up one day and said, “hi, I’m your kid now, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.” (Really. you can’t stop me). Damien basically did the same thing, only with more stabbing. Cass…?? Stephanie????!!

(Bruce googling in the middle of the night: Is it normal to adopt your son’s ex-girlfriend?? Or did she adopt me??? Giving a kid an unlimited credit card and vigilante training counts as adoption, right??)

Point is, these kids just…show up, needing help, and somehow, for reasons that defy all logic, Bruce is the adult best equipped to help them. And yeah, Bruce never intended to adopt a kid (…or seven) and, no, he doesn’t exactly know what he’s doing, but these kids need him so he takes them in and does His Best because he’s the one who can. 

Which is all to say, I think we should see far more conversations re: Finding out Batman has approx. 5 million kids that go like this

Someone: What? Do crime-fighting orphans, just like…crawl out of the woodwork around you? Bruce, exasperated and visibly stressed: yeah, BASICALLY. 

Adams Family adoptions

When Bruce Wayne was a child, he gets taken in by his distant relatives, the Adams, because he was going to be taken away from Alfred. They couldn't abide by family being tossed into what the state calls the foster system when they were available to take him in. Gomez teaches Bruce about honor, sword fighting, trains and explosives, also how to treat a lady(or other romance interest) Morticia teaches him about plants, their uses as both poison.s and medicines (though that is not why she grows them, she just knows her plants). Uncle Fester teaches him about grand larceny, electronics, how scams are run and other felonies. Also more about explosives. Fester does more in improvised where as Gomez deals more with commercial. Wednesday and Pugsley play games with him where they stage murder scenes for him to analyze. Wednesday learns more about how to hide a crime from watching Bruce take apart her crime scenes, to the point where if she ever did anything he would never find anything to pin on her.

Later, when Bruce is an Adult and going around being Batman and has a Robin with him, he will sometimes ask his adopted family to babysit. He gets Robin to go along with it by explaining it as either training (if they are being watched by Gomez and Morticia) or a criminal investigation (Uncle Fester, Pugsley or Wednesday). They never find anything on Wednesday. Later, Wednesday adopts one Danny Fenton after he runs away from home.

dadwave

FIRST POST EVER AAAAAA

Merry Chrimah everyone!!

Cryptid Bruce is awesome

Cryptid Bruce

Martha and Thomas Wayne struggled to have a child for years and Thomas meets a shady man who tells him that a child will come to them soon

Thomas just ‘??? okaaaaaay’s him but in a week, Martha bursts into his office looking frazzled

“We’re being haunted.”

“….”

“Don’t give me that look, Thomas Wayne. The Manor. It’s haunted. Alfred! Tell him we’re being haunted!”

And Alfred comes in, also looking frazzled but to a lesser degree.

The two explain that things are moving around the Manor without any kind of explanation, but Thomas doesn’t believe them. Until he notices things in his office also being moved. The weirdest event is when they start hearing a child’s giggles. No explanation. None.

Not until Thomas, sleep deprived after going over paperwork for one too many hours, pops into the kitchen and…there is a child. Sitting on the kitchen counter.

The child, a boy, turns. Grins. Waves.

“Hi, daddy.”

—

Bruce, they name him, can melt into shadows. He finds it hilarious. Martha thinks she’s going to go grey at her young age. She adores him. Thomas adores him. He’s their son now.

The Waynes have a mysterious child, but they keep their private lives very private, so maybe they just successfully hid a pregnancy? And then a child. For…three years. They think Bruce is three, at least.

Despite how odd of a child Bruce is, they love him dearly. He’s some kind of miracle. A…very weird, possibly magical(?) miracle.

—

Dick thinks his adoptive father is strange. Extremely strange. Bruce makes absolutely no noise when he moves. He doesn’t cast shadows but he seemingly is able to *blend into them*. His smile, whilst genuine, seems a little too sharp.

He thinks he’s a vampire.

Bruce laughs so hard, he doubles over.

“No, but I am the Batman, so I guess you’re not far off.”

“…is this a joke?”

“Nope.”

“A dream?”

Bruce pinches him and Dick yelps.

Bruce doesn’t explain to Dick what he is, because he doesn’t have a clue himself. He just…is.

—

But when Jason comes along, he has a million and one questions. Bruce blinks at him.

“How did you do that? You literally *melted* into the shadows!”

Bruce shrugs.

“No. *No*. Explain.”

“I…can’t.”

“You said no secrets, B!”

Bruce puts his hands up defensively. “It’s not a secret! I really don’t know! It just…kind of happens.”

Jason stares at him. Bruce stands there. He seems to flicker? The edges of his body go a bit transparent and Dick knows he only does that when he’s stressed.

“Leave him alone, Jay. He’s telling the truth. He’s just…like that. But he’s still Bruce.”

It takes Jason two months to accept it. By then, his questions are more from genuine intrigue and wonder. He hides under Batman’s cape and somehow it’s spacious? It can even fit Dick at the same time. No one (but Bruce) can even hear them when they’re under there.

And then one day, when he goes to take a nap under Bruce’s cape, someone else is there.

“….B?”

“…”

“You know what I’m going to ask.”

“…”

“*Bruce*.”

“No real names, Robin.”

“No one can hear me!”

“…I didn’t kidnap him.”

“What his name?”

“Timothy Drake.”

“FROM DRAKE INDUSTRIES?”

And Tim wakes up, rubbing his eyes. He looks exhausted and way too skinny, and all of a sudden, Jason understands why Dick has cooed at him the first night Bruce brought him home.

“Um…hi.”

“B, we’re keeping him.”

Jason doesn’t need to see Bruce’s face to know he’s smiling.

—

Damian just…appears. Bruce suddenly understands his parents’ reactions to his first appearance because nearly the same exact thing happens. Bruce wakes up from a nap. He doesn’t need to sleep very often, something Tim finds incredibly annoying, declaring it to be *unfair*. He wakes up, and curled against his chest is…a boy. Who looks a *lot* like him.

“Uh.”

The child wakes up, blinks at him w striking green eyes.

“Hello Father.”

What the fuck.

Dick slams his way into Bruce’s office, followed by Jason and Tim, who are bickering with each other.

“DAAAAAAAD, THEY WON’T SHU- oh. Steal another kid?”

“…he just appeared.”

“That’s the excuse you used for Jason.”

“No. Literally. I fell asleep. No kid. Woke up. Kid.”

“My name is Damian.”

“That’s no fair. You came pre-named?”

Damian is as odd as Bruce. Actually, he’s weirder. And stabby. Bruce finds him *delightful*. He adores him.

—

Dick is Nightwing, Jason is Red Hood (no death, he just thought it was a cool name), Tim is Red Robin, and Damian’s Robin.

Bruce is Batman. Despite being in his late 30s, he still looks like he’s in his mid 20s.

—

Batman stands in front of a bank robber who’s going on about their evil bank robbing plans. Nightwing pops his head out from beneath Batman’s cape.

“Can you get to the point?”

Red Hood pops out next.

“I’m getting bored.”

Red Robin follows.

“This is sad.”

Damian.

“Scum.”

Batman sighs.

“Why are all of you here?”

“Missed you.”

They all chime in.

The robber.

“How…how the *fuck-?*”

“Language. There are kids around.”

“B, I’m 23.”

“Says the boy taking a nap in my cape. And I was talking about Red Robin and Robin.”

“…’s comfy.”

“I’m eighteen???”

“F- Batman! I am not a child!”

There’s some shuffling sounds, no doubt Red Hood moving over to ruffle Robin’s hair.

“Whatever you say, Tiny Demon.”

And then Red Hood shrieks.

“No stabbing your brothers, Robin.”

“He called me small!”

“…you are.”

“This is insulting, F- Batman. I will grow to be as big as you. No. *Bigger*.”

The robber watches in confusion, mild amusement, and horror.

Batman sighs.

“We’ll talk about this later. Now, you were saying? Blowing up the bank, terrorizing the people.” Batman yawns. “Anything else?”

“Just take me to Arkham. I think I’m insane.”

Storyboard Toothless is the best thing I've seen today...! LOOK AT 'IM!!!!

Mark Hamill - The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

Kon... run

Gotta say I love me some timkon

Tim Drake’s Farewell: The Day Gotham Let Him Go

They searched for him for months.

When Tim Drake disappeared, the entire Batfamily unraveled. One day he was there, saving Gotham alongside them. The next? Gone. No explanation. No note. Just silence. Bruce, Dick, Jason, Damian—they all assumed the worst. Kidnapping, foul play, an elaborate plot. Because Tim Drake doesn’t just leave.

But he did.

Months later, they found him. Not in a dark corner of Gotham. Not held captive by some villain. No, they found him in a small, quiet town in Europe. A place with cobblestone streets and flower boxes in every window. Tim was there, in a cozy house with a garden out back. And he wasn’t alone. He had a child—a bright-eyed little one with dark hair and a curious smile. The moment they saw the kid, they knew.

Kon.

The clone Tim made, after all those failed attempts to bring Kon-El back. Tim had finally succeeded. And he was raising this child alone, quietly, away from the chaos of Gotham.

The confrontation wasn’t what they expected. Bruce tried to argue, voice low and rough, that Tim was too young for this. “You’re barely out of your own childhood,” he said, the words falling flat even as he spoke them. He knew the truth: Tim had never really been a child.

Tim’s response? Calm. Firm.

“I raised you out of your grief. I was Robin because Gotham needed me to be. Because you needed me to be. But this isn’t what I wanted for my life. I’m choosing my happiness, Bruce.”

They didn’t know how to respond to that. Because Tim was right. He’d given everything—his childhood, his innocence, his sanity—for a city that never gave back.

Now, he had a family. A child who wasn’t burdened with masks and capes. And a life. A real life. One where he spent afternoons in the garden, mornings at the café down the street. Where he wasn’t “Red Robin” or “Tim Drake.” He was just… Tim.

There were signs of something else, too. Little things. An extra coffee mug in the kitchen. Another pair of shoes by the door. A faint, easy smile when he glanced across the street, as if sharing an inside joke with someone they couldn’t see. They didn’t press. But there was a quiet presence in Tim’s life, woven into the edges of this new chapter. Someone who helped build this safe haven, this peace.

And Tim had no plans of returning to Gotham.

“I’m not Red Robin anymore. And I never will be again.”

They didn’t understand at first. Not fully. How could he walk away? How could he choose this life, this quiet happiness, over the mission? Over them?

But deep down, they knew. They’d always known Tim’s heart wasn’t in it the way theirs was. He wasn’t like Bruce, who could never let go. Or Jason, who burned with restless fury. Or Dick, who carried hope like a torch. Tim had been the glue holding them together, but it had come at a cost. And now he was finally healing.

“I’ll still be family,” Tim promised. “I’ll visit. Holidays, special occasions. But this? This is my life now. You can’t take me away from my happiness because you need me to stay. That’s not fair.”

They wanted to argue. But what could they say? Tim had always been the rational one. The one who saw the bigger picture. And he was right.

Bruce’s voice softened. “You’re happy.”

Tim nodded. “I am.”

And in the end, that was all that mattered.

The Batfamily returned to Gotham, a little quieter, a little heavier. They’d lost Red Robin. But they hadn’t lost Tim. And as much as it hurt, they knew he’d finally found the peace they could never give him.

Some heroes leave the fight not because they’ve lost hope, but because they’ve found something worth living for.

Tim Drake had given Gotham everything. Now, it was time for Gotham to let him go.

The biggest omission is that they were not shown at the wedding of Hiccup and Astrid, even as a cameo. Hello? Heather is her best friend.