Part 1 Of Me And @chachalove160 Crossover Au: Move Hero High School Au

wayne family adventures + text posts: batman edition

its my bisexual right to make superbat and batcat jokes in the same post. btw.

(batkids edition)

+bonus alfred (tw suicide joke)

Very nice art

Thee kiddos

Dick: So, you know how I’m part of an online circus?

Jason: What the actual hell is an online circus?

Dick, exuberant: It’s like... an on-demand Cirque du Soleil! People book us for events—birthdays, concerts, whatever—and performers log in from all over the world.

Jason: ...so you have clowns.

Dick, visibly sweating: Well, it’s more than clowns! We have aerialists, jugglers, fire-eaters—

Jason, standing up, looming over Dick: But you have clowns.

Dick, desperate backpedal mode: Technically, yes. But they’re like artistic clowns. Highbrow. Minimal honking.

Jason: Minimal honking? You’re telling me there’s still honking?

Dick, defensive: Controlled honking. Tasteful honks only.

Jason, crossing his arms: Joker-level honks?

Dick, horrified: Joker doesn’t even have a clown permit! He’s not qualified.

Jason: He went to clown school.

Dick: No, he shot up a clown school. That’s different.

Jason, sitting back down: You know why this pisses me off.

Dick, quietly: Yeah, I do.

Jason: It’s weird, right?

Dick: Super weird.

Jason: Sometimes I feel like you should be more messed up about clowns. Like, my level of messed up.

Dick: I know, bud.

Jason: It’s just... I feel alone in this whole clown thing.

Dick: You’re not alone. Gotham as a whole has a no-clown policy. Did you know circus clowns refuse to work here?

Jason: Of course. Otherwise, your little e-circus would’ve been torched.

Dick: By Joker?

Jason, thinking about that one time he shot up a department store window for displaying clown shoes: Uh... yeah. Yeah, Joker.

Dick: Well, for what it’s worth, you’d be great in the online circus.

Jason, deadpan: You saying I’m a clown?

Dick, grinning: No, but you are a high-value performer. People would pay top dollar to see Red Hood juggle guns.

Jason, pulling a gun from his holster and spinning it effortlessly: You mean like this?

Dick, mock clapping: Bravo! Now add some honking, and you’re ready for the big leagues.

Jason, standing up, gun still in hand: You have three seconds to run.

Dick, already halfway out the door: for the record, I'm a performer, so this retreat is performative and just to keep you happy-slash-entertained

Jason: get out!

I love how Clark’s entire internal monologue in this scene appears to boil down to, “Don’t drop the baby. Do not drop the baby. Batman will kill you if you drop the baby.”

Source - Batman/Superman: World’s Finest

Dick: So how long have you been doing this whole crime fighting thing?

Peter: Honestly, kinda lost track around the 90s but a long time.

Dick: That's rough. You got any back up like a team?

Peter: Nah. Been on several teams but none that stick. I like doing things on my own.

Dick: Any family?

Peter: Nope. My parents were CIA agents and killed by the Red Skull, the leader of Hydra, when I was young-

Dick: W-wait-

Peter: I was adopted by my aunt and uncle but when I got my powers, I let a robber go and that same robber killed my uncle-

Dick hearing aggressive running in the distance: Pete stop-

Peter: Yea and after being spider-man for a while I was hated by a news organization, was accused of killing my first girlfriend's dad-

*Aggressive running speeds up*

Dick: Pete, stop he is coming-

Peter: And then she died in my arms after I tried to catch her with a web but didn't factor in the momentum. And I have been non-stop struggling since.

*Aggressive running stops*

Dick: Oh no... he is here.

Peter: Who-

Bruce Wayne bursting through the wall holding a robin costume: SO, YOU'VE STRUGGLED ALL YOUR LIFE AND ARE, OR CLOSE TO BEING, AN ORPHAN??

Dick: PETE RUN!

Imagine for me please Gothamites mocking Batman because sure he’s their ‘savior’ and all, but he’s also one of them and it’s been a few years since he’s become Batman so he’s well known and just- Batman: *growling* go home! Teenager:… gO hOmE~ like what are you? My dad? Batman:… Teenager:… I’m kidding please don’t adopt me - Batman: I am vengeance. I am the night. I am Batman.  Gothamite: ~I aM vEngeAnCE~ like do you practice that in the mirror? Batman:…  - Batman: don’t sell drugs to students Drug dealer: doN’T sElL dRuGs tO stUdeNtS- please as if you didn’t need drugs to live in college  Batman:… Batman:… just… not too much Drug dealer: *scoffs* of course not dude I don’t want them overdosing we need more smart people who don’t want to kill everyone- plus if they die I lose a customer Batman:… good to know

Teenager: *walking home from school, drops books* Batman: *watching from a nearby roof* damn that sucks Teenager:... Batman: Teenager: *grumbles as they bend down to grab stuff* Batman: stay in school! Teenager: *flips him off* ~ Visitor from Metropolis: ugh omggg this city is soooo grosss! its because none of you have superman! all you have is that wannabe furry Batman! Gothamite:... *looks up and spots Batman* yeah you right Batman: fuck you! Gothamite: *grins and flips him off* Batman: *leaves* Gothamite: *beats the shit out of the Metropolian for saying something as blasphemous as that* ~ Gotham citizen: ugh i got my hair all done and no one notice- Batman: *from above* ohhh emmm GGGGG that sucksssss Citizen:.... Batman: :) Gothamite:.. no one asked you you furry black hotpocket Batman: :( ~

Damian is 8 years old when he first comes to live with his father. He’s all harsh glares, standoffish arm folding, and clever barbs aimed at everyone’s vulnerable points. He’s also adorable. Small enough for Bruce to pick up with little to no effort, with big green eyes and baby fat still in his cheeks.

Bruce is overwhelmed with emotions he’s terrible at expressing; shock at the fact that he has a biological child, furious that said child was kept from him for 8 years, devastated that the child was robbed of a normal upbringing and instead raised in a cult of death and devout loyalty to a madman, and overjoyed that this little boy has his nose, his eyebrows, and the same black curls he got from Martha Wayne. He mourns the moments and milestones he’s missed. First steps, first word, potty training, learning to read and write. He doesn’t even know if Damian can ride a bike.

Then, six months into living with Bruce, Damian loses a tooth. A lateral incisor, by the looks of it. Not because of a hit to the face or a Robin-related incident—no, it’s just the natural, logical conclusion to a loose baby tooth Damian hadn’t mentioned having until he bit into an apple at breakfast and pop! Out comes the tooth, stuck to the apple, leaving the boy with a gap just left of center in his smile.

This hasn’t happened since Dick. Jason and Tim had lost all their baby teeth before Bruce took them in, but Dick had been so young. Bruce remembers the angry 9 year old who just wanted revenge marching to the Cave, presenting him with a molar and pouting silently for hours. It had taken a mug of hot chocolate to get him to admit that Mary Grayson always sang him a special song when he lost a baby tooth, to congratulate him for being one step closer to adulthood, but he couldn’t remember all the words and Bruce, my mama’s not here, who do I give my teeth to? What do I do now?

Bruce has no idea what Talia did when Damian lost baby teeth. All he knows is that he’s on his feet and rushing toward the boy and getting his arms around him and—

“Father!” Damian will never admit to the indignant squawk that escapes him when Bruce plucks him from his seat and holds him close. “Are you—“

Bruce settles Damian on his hip with one arm and cards his other hand through the boy’s soft curls. He breathes in the scent of apple shampoo and oatmeal soap while peppering his forehead with kisses.

“I will get you a new pet,” he says softly, resting his cheek atop his son’s head. “A kitten, a puppy, anything you want. Just…let me have this, baby boy.”

Damian instantly stops protesting. He huffs and pouts—which, oh my fucking God, how is he so precious?—as he wraps his arms around his father’s neck.

“That is…acceptable,” he grumbles. Bruce kisses his cheek and smiles into his hair.

That’s how Damian gets Titus.

Demons arriving in Gotham: Finally! A place above earth that is cursed enough! This is perfect! Nothing can-

Jason Todd, whose body is full of concentrated Magical Waters: *walks into the 7/11*

Demons: *immediately disintegrate*

Jason: Huh. Anyway, one coffee and the meatball sub, please

The cashier, who just saw all the other customers in the shop turn into dust: Just take them

Let’s be honest, the only thing funnier than Dick and Bruce trying to co-parent Damian is Dick, Bruce, and Jason trying to co-parent Damian.

Jason sometimes in Lost Days, probably: Oh no

Talia: hmm? What's wrong?

Jason: I have PTSD

Talia: Wow, that's insightful. You're learning-

Jason: Don't worry I have a plan!

Talia: ... Let's hear it.

Jason: Did you know exposure therapy worked wonders on ptsd? Do you know an explosive specialist? Also I'm gonna call myself Red Hood from now on! And confront Batman and the Joker with a gun in a warehouse rigged with a bomb! I'm a genius!

Talia: ...

Jason: I'm gonna fix myself so easily!

Narrator Voice: He did not, in fact, "fix himself".