Part Of Me Wants To Get Better So Badly, Whereas On The Other Hand I Want To Get As Bad As Possible

I'm okay eating with my family, even if I prefer to be by myself. But I fucking hate eating around others, even with friends it's difficult. So I'm fucking enraged that my sister's stupid boyfriend - who I absolutely hate, anyway - keeps eating with us. I like neither my sister nor him and them makes it so difficult because they always have me sit next to either of them.

why scar cream gotta be so expensive :(

In a way, I'm really scared losing weight will make me look more feminine (because I always used to have broad shoulders and I have now clue what my face will look like once all the fat is finally off)

So I'm hoping that I can lose as much weight as possible on my hips, thighs and lower belly, because once I'll be able to just wear any pants without them looking ridiculous because they're either way too large or make me look curvy and more like a woman, I'll look more like a guy/androgynous, right? Right???

That's so hypothetically speaking I need to lock the fuck in first

But I'm so excited for when I'll finally have a flat chest

The next few days are going to be incredibly busy for me, but that's awesome because I'll literally won't have time to eat :D

I'm not going to try and fast though, because I will need the energy

It started today with me having to stay at school until 6pm (🥲) because of choir practice, tomorrow I'll have to leave almost right after school to play at a concert (I know I'll barely have time to change and maybe practice the pieces one last time)

And on Saturday I'll have singing stuff from 8am to 4pm

Both crying and laughing right now because I know I'll be DRAINED when all this is over, but I won't be around my parents to watch me eat, I won't be at home with all the binge food and I'll probably be to busy to even think about eating anything, hopefully

As I mentioned though, I will be having dinner, because it's the only time I'll be around my parents and I will really need that energy

It's a dangerous game always asking my parents to buy me protein bars and coke zero, but that way they'll pay for it, which is good because I really need to save atm

So the only safe food I'm buying for myself are energy drinks because my parents don't allow them

I just had the most intense ed nightmare.

I was in the living room just practicing some sort of gymnastic exercise - idk why I don't do gymnastics - and my parents had friends over and they just kept talking about how much weight they were losing and how much better they felt now that they're skinny. I got angrier and sadder and at some point I kinda snapped and yelled, "You guys know I'm still here as well?" and they kind of laughed and my Mom just have me really pitiful look and then told the entire group that she hoped that I would have at least one summer during which I'll feel skinny and confident. Like. What. And then she called me fat and insecure and I just scrambled to the bathroom crying trying to find my blades.

It took me a hot minute after waking up to realize that didn't actually happen.

Wtf honestly

hi.. uwu *⭐ves myself*

First day at my Grandma's, and she moved her bathroom scale an now I can't find it :(

So now I'll have to go two days without weighing myself, and I can check my weight in three days after my Dad and I are home again... it's not an issue, I usually don't weigh myself everyday, either, it's just that I was planning to do it to keep myself accountable... Easter with my Grandma, a dangerous game food-wise

Okay but why do I actually kinda love writing essays

I be typing out comments and then delete them because what if you think that's weird? What if it's rude? What if I'm unintentionally doing some kind of damage of you?