Longing For A Touch, Longing To Be Held In Someone's Arms, Without A Rush, Without Time And Space Between

Don't mind me, for the last couple of days I'm in the state of dreaming about Pride&prejudice and unreal slow-burn romances. Yay.

Pride & Prejudice (2005), dir. Joe Wright “Dreaming” (1928), by Maxfield Parrish

Czech

Cas: „Vždy jsem přemýšlel, od toho, co jsem na sebe vzal to břemeno, tu kletbu, přemýšlel jsem, co by to mohlo být, jak… jak by mé pravé štěstí mohlo vůbec vypadat. Nikdy jsem nenašel odpověď. Protože ta jediná věc, kterou chci… je věc, o níž vím, že ji nikdy nemohu mít. Ale myslím, že vím… myslím, že teď už vím. Štěstí se nenachází ve vlastnění. Je v bytí a ve vyřčení věcí.“

Dean: „O čem to mluvíš?“

Cas: „Já vím, já vím, jak vidíš sám sebe, Deane. Vidíš se stejně, jako tě vidí naši nepřátelé. Jsi destruktivní a jsi zlostný a jsi zlomený. Jsi… jsi ‚tátův ztupený nástroj.‘ A myslíš si, že nenávist a hněv je to… že to tě pohání. Že to jsi ty. Ale nejsi. A každý, kdo tě zná, to vidí. Všechno, co jsi udělal, to dobré i to špatné, jsi udělal z lásky. Vychoval jsi svého malého bratra z lásky. Bojoval jsi za celý tento svět z lásky. Takový jsi. Jsi ten nejstarostlivější muž na Zemi. Jsi ten nejobětavější, nejvíce milující člověk, kterého kdy poznám. Víš, od té chvíle, kdy jsme se potkali, kdy jsem tě vytáhnul z Pekla, jsi mě změnil. Protože ses staral, staral jsem se taky. Záleželo mi na tobě. Záleželo mi na Samovi. Záleželo mi na Jackovi. Záleželo mi na celém světě, jen kvůli tobě. Změnil jsi mě, Deane.“

Dean: „Proč mi to zní jako loučení?“

Cas: „Protože je. Miluju tě.“

Dean: „Nedělej to, Casi… Casi.“

Cas: „Sbohem, Deane.“

I invite to all my friends to reblog Castiel's beautiful declaration of love and translate it into your languages. Because is a gift for our fandom. I will start it now.

English:

Cas: “I always wondered, ever since I took that that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be, what...what my true happiness could even look like. I never found an answer. Because the one thing I want...it's something I know I can't have. But I think i know...I think I know now. Happiness isn't in the having. It's in just being. It's in just saying it.”

Dean: “What are you talking about, man?”

Cas: “I know. I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive and you're angry and you're broken. You're...you're 'Daddy's Blunt Instrument.' And you think hate and anger, that's...that's what drives you. That's who you are. It's not. And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love.You raised your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are. You're the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know. You know, ever since we met and ever since I pulled you out of Hell, knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you. You changed me, Dean.”

Dean: “Why does this sound like a goodbye?”

Cas: “Because it is. I love you.”

Dean: “Don't do this, Cas...Cas.”

Cas: “Goodbye, Dean.”

Spanish

Cas: “Siempre me pregunté, desde que tomé esa carga, esa maldición, me preguntaba qué podría ser, cómo ... cómo podría verse mi verdadera felicidad. Nunca encontré una respuesta. Porque lo único que quiero ... es algo que sé que no puedo tener. Pero creo que lo sé ... Creo que lo sé ahora. La felicidad no está en tener. Está solo en ser. Es simplemente decirlo ".

Dean: ¿Qué estás diciendo, amigo?

Cas: “Lo sé. Sé cómo te ves a ti mismo, Dean. Te ves a ti mismo de la misma manera que te ven nuestros enemigos. Eres destructivo y estás enojado y roto. Eres ... eres el 'Instrumento contundente de papá'. Y piensas en el odio y la ira, eso es ... eso es lo que te impulsa. Eso es lo que eres. No es. Y todo el que te conoce lo ve. Todo lo que has hecho, lo bueno y lo malo, lo has hecho por amor. Criaste a tu hermano pequeño por amor. Luchaste por todo este mundo por amor. Eso es lo que eres. Eres el hombre más cariñoso de la Tierra. Eres el ser humano más desinteresado y amoroso que jamás conoceré. Sabes, desde que nos conocimos y desde que te saqué del infierno, saber que me has cambiado. Porque a ti te importaba, a mí me importaba. Me preocupo por ti Me preocupaba Sam. Me preocupaba por Jack. Me preocupé por todo el mundo por ti. Me cambiaste, Dean ".

Dean: ¿Por qué suena esto como un adiós?

Cas: Porque lo es. Te amo.

Dean: No hagas esto, Cas… Cas…

Cas: Adiós Dean.

////

I want a cat so much, but I also know, that I want to change countries in a few years and I don't know what would I do with her.

But I want a cat. So for now, this is an appreciation post about cats in cute surroundings. Enjoy. 🙏

I’d like to be a Hufflepuff so bad. I’d like to be kind and hard-working and caring and loyal. I’d like to be a Hufflepuff, because then it would be possible for me to say “I’m a good person after all”. It’s hard to say it now. Now I fear that I am not. I fear that I’m not kind or smart or brave or ambitious. I can take the other ones (even tho they bother me sometimes, especially the smartness). 

But the kindness is killing me.

"Reading poetry is like undressing before a bath. You don't undress out of fear that your clothes will become wet. You undress because you want the water to touch you. You want to completely immerse yourself in the feeling of the water and to emerge anew."

- Kamand Kojouri

“It is only in the body of a person whom we have loved deeply for a long time that we don’t perceive the passing of time, and that growing old with that person is a way of never growing old. Seeing someone from day to day has a slow, compassionate rhythm. The people who live at our side always exist in the most immediate time: yesterday, today, tomorrow; and we can’t see this shrunken distances; we don’t see the effects of the passing years. I realize that my wife has aged only when I see old photographs. And not even then, because they were taken in surroundings so different from the present ones and in such ancient clothing that I look at them as if they weren’t of her, as if the portrait represented not my wife but a character similar to her […] Her aging hands, her eyes surrounded wrinkles, and her grey hair don’t surprise or displease me or make me remember the smoothness of her skin and her black hair of a former time. The changes have occurred so slowly and are so intimately tied to my own that neither she nor I has been able to notice them. I think the great miracle of sharing your life is not perceiving the brutal destruction, the annihilation of the body that you love.”

— Josefina Vicens, The Empty Book (trans. David Lauer)

I see myself in many things from this list. If I actually am a maladaptive daydreamer, I'm definitely not a severe case, I can mostly function, do my homeworks and chores and other stuff. My life is actually really good and I do have plans and hopes for future. But the daydreaming is always with me, since I was a child. Everywhere, everywhere I go, there it is.

I don't have my own OC's, they are always already existing characters from medias I consume... but I'm worried that I don't have control over it anymore. I feel exhausted at the end of the day from all the daydreaming, my brain hurts. Trigger can be literally anything: a movie, a TV show, books, situations in real life. The conversations with the characters are neverending, and even when I don't daydream, I have this icky feeling that someone is with me. I know they are not real, but I spend so much time in their presence, that it is hard to let them go.

When I'm watching a movie, I have to really focus to not imagine myself in it. I hate it, because it ruins the whole story, every character is suddenly me, I think about them all the time and then I don't even know, what actually happened in the story and what was just my daydream. I watch scenes from movies and random interviews on youtube, and act with them, because I already know them word by word, imagining that it's me whose actually talking. I always loved stories and now I don't know how to consume them normally anymore.

But the thing that is scaring me the most, is that I'm terrified that I will not be able to connect with other people in real life properly. For a couple of months now I feel like I'm losing my friends and they don't even know. I try to act normally, show them that I love them, but I feel weirdly dull inside. I'm so worried that I will not be able to create a meaningful romantic connection (eventho I want it soo badly) because of this yearning for some kind of thrill and passion that only fiction can give me and that I can't get anywhere else.

alright look since people don’t seem to understand why maladaptive daydreaming is a big deal here’s a grand list of some of the reasons why.

first off: yes, you little babies, maladaptive daydreaming is often characterized by:

zoning out

“snapping back” to reality

which is often followed by mild alarm and confusion like “what where am i what am i doing whats going on”

seeking emotional satisfaction in daydreams that you didn’t get from real life

it’s often developed due to childhood isolation, not having a lot of friends, having too much time to yourself as a youngling

yep also those bless-ed long car rides

being deeply comforted by music and/or alone time because it means yay daydreaming time

intricate stories that exist inside vivid imaginary worlds (called paracosms) with their own highly developed “characters” (which are called paras, and i hope you’re taking notes) 

constantly looking for an “escape” so you can daydream

repetitive motions to stimulate daydreams such as swinging on a swingset, bouncing up and down, pacing, spinning, etc.

an idealized version of yourself through whose eyes you live out these daydream stories (called parames, like para-me…)

BUT!!!! but but but but but but (and this is the stuff y'all seem to constantly be forgetting/overlooking/not taking seriously) maladaptive daydreaming is also characterized by:

deep and dependent emotional attachments to paras such as intimate friends, lovers, family, and pets that don’t exist

deep guilt due to favoring paras over “real life” (called thisverse) people

a phobia that you will never be able to care about people in thisverse and will therefore be a terrible lover/spouse/parent, etc.

trancelike states where you lose time anywhere between a few minutes to several hours straight without even realizing it until you’ve returned to reality

maladaptive daydreaming steals so. much. time.

withdrawal-like effects if you don’t daydream for a long time (even a day), such as shaking, nausea, agitation, aggression, breakdowns, etc.

you don’t control your daydreams, they do whatever they want to, they are invasive, intrusive, and often unwanted

intense absorption, so when the daydream is exciting you will get an adrenaline rush and your blood gets hot and starts to rush and you sweat and breathe weird and see red and your heart rate goes up. when the daydream is depressing you will cry with real tears and your limbs actually feel heavy

it steals an incredible amount of energy

daydreams are often violent, sexual, and/or disturbing

difficulty focusing, high anxiety

paranoia caused by a feeling that you’re under observation

compulsive behavior (like, “i have to pace right now” even when your feet feel like they’re broken… I’ve often been afraid to look down because i thought i might see blood but i couldn’t stop walking even when it hurt so much that i started crying)

sleeplessness, insomnia, nightmares

suicidal thoughts and tendencies (“maybe if i die, i’ll be with my paras”, “i can’t take it anymore”)

feeling uncomfortable in your body/with your identity (i often have trouble recalling my real name because i’m so used to be my parame’s name, i avoid mirrors because i expect to see my parame’s face and it always catches me off guard)

weight loss or weight gain

appetite loss or appetite gain

dissociation and “out of body” experiences

avoidance and the death of your social life

not being able to feel anything either neg or pos about “real life” things because you’re only concerned with your paracosms

speaking the dialogue out loud or whispering, acting out daydreams

i have seriously been asked if i’m possessed when i got caught daydreaming

it is so painful and so detrimental and it makes our lives difficult, it is not “cute”, it is not “lol relatable”, it  is not “creative”, and it is not “fake”

just because there aren't as many posts of blm circulating and just because we're slowly posting regular "aesthetic" content again it does not mean you have the right to stop educating yourself on issues that affect black people. continue to educate yourself and others, call out racism when you see it and continue to donate and sign petitions. activism that only occurs when somebody dies or something devastating happens is not proper activism, it is performative. so, just because you aren't posting as much about blm or other issues anymore, it does NOT mean you can go back to being ignorant. continue to stay aware. keep that energy and use it and your privilege to help black people and amplify their voices. us non-black people need to recognise that choosing when to speak up or speaking up when it is big is a privilege and is ignorant and we need to fix this.

Well, this was one of the greatest reading experiences I've ever had. I need to finally watch John Wick. Like. Right now.

What a lot of you don’t understand is that when you think about it, the John Wick movies really are the closest thing to perfection we have in the movie industry nowadays. Yes, I’m aware of how absolutely insane I sound right now,  just bear with me. By ‘perfection’ I didn’t mean good, just in the sense that. They are the only action franchise I know that openly panders to their audience, and somehow also managed to include literally everyone in that audience. 

Let’s take a crack at this together if you don’t believe me. 

We’ll start with the basics. What country are you from? Trick question, it doesn’t matter because *slaps the roof of New York* This City can fit so many countries into it and oh yes, they Are going to speak your language. This is a threat. Next, what kind of music are you into? Pop? Rock? Jazz? Classical? KYARY PAMYU PAMYU? Don’t worry, they’ve got you. Let’s move on to something a little more personal– Are you gay? Straight? Yes, these movies qualify as queer cinema because every single fight scene in them IS bi on bi violence, but you also wouldn’t know this if you’re cishet, so their homophobic dudebro fanbase is still steadily expanding despite the movies steadily getting gayer and gayer. By the way, have you heard about their canon nonbinary character? Well, you see, the thing is, they’ve announced that this character IS nonbinary, you just didn’t notice this because the need for them to explicitly state their gender never arises in the movie. Well, fingers crossed for more Trans Rights in John Wick: Chapter 4 and 5! 

Ok, enough about you. Let’s move on to your taste in men. What’s your type? Do you like older men? Younger men? Keanu Reeves is here, and he somehow managed to look both 31 and 65 at the same time. He has the Range. Do you like men with short hair? Long hair? John Wick has shoulder-length hair but he’s never put it into a bun in canon, so he passes as both I guess. Do you want a male wife? He’s a househusband for 5 years in canon. If you like nice guys, he’s good with animals and very polite to everyone around him; but if you’re into bad boys, he’s also killed over 300 people and they don’t get any worse than that. If you like married men, this is probably the most married man I’d ever seen in an action movie; but if you’re not into that, it’s fine, because his wife’s also Very Dead. If you like men with short names, “John Wick” is only two syllables; if you like men with longer names, his real name is actually Jardani Jovonovich. If your type is Keanu Reeves, he’s there, but if you just hate Keanu Reeves, well this is THEE franchise for you because they’re going to beat the shit out of him and throw him off the edge of a thirteen-story building. Oh, sorry, do you like women? They’ve got so many great non-sexualized female characters, you’re gonna fall head over heels in love with all of them faster than I can say John Wick; but if you just hate women, well, some of them are also dead. (But like, killed off in a dignified and respectable way that made sure to not piss off anyone.) 

Now let’s talk about the animals. Are you a dog person? Welcome, this franchise is secretly just three dog movies in a blood-stained trench coat. If you like small dogs, there’s one, but if you like BIG dogs, you get 3 of them. If you like smart dogs these Belgian Malinois are trained to climb walls and castrate people on command. If you like dumb dogs this pitbull does nothing for two movies but sit around on sofas, look pretty, and eat butter off of Keanu Reeves’ face. If you’re a cat person check out this absolute unit living their best life at a sushi bar owned by a gay ninja; if you’re a bird person, well I hope you like pigeons because *slaps the roof of New York* this city can fit so many pigeons into it. If you’re a horse girl so is John Wick, apparently, and to make this movie even more relatable for you, he brought a Horse. To a car chase. In the middle of BROOKLYN. If you’re a snake person, Ian Mcshane is also there, and he speaks. 

What else? Oh, let’s get into the fandoms, why not. DC fans, your John Constantine is wearing a white shirt with a tie and talking to Lucifer. Marvel fans, your Green Goblin dies again. SPN fandom, happy to inform you that Sam’s blonde girlfriend (the one who somehow got fridged by. A ceiling fire??) is here too and she’s MY girlfriend now. She wears a leather jacket, calls John Wick a pussy while beating the absolute shit out of him, and she is an asshole to everybody. If nothing else I said could convince you, do it for HER. Hannibal fandom, we’ve been through this many times, but John Wick: Chapter 2 (2017) IS a hannigram mafia au, and coincidentally, Laurence Fishburne is also There, and he flirts with Keanu Reeves while wearing a silk bathrobe. Game of Thrones fandom, don’t you just hate that blonde little fruit Theon Greyjoy? Don’t you just wish someone would punch him in his stupid face? Well I’ve got GREAT news for you folks. Brooklyn-99 fandom, your Vulture is here and he’s got a husband. Ok alright no he didn’t yes he did. no he didn’t ;)) (He did though) And of course, of course, how could I forget my main audience, The Old Guard(2020, dir. Gina Prince-Blythewood) Fandom? Right this way followers, here’s an unedited screenshot of the canon dialogue from John Wick(2014)

NOW that we’ve gotten all that out of the way, let’s move on to your taste in movies because oh, *slaps chad stahelski in the face* this movie can fit So much Movie into it. Tell me, do you like good movies? These movies CAN, indeed, be very good. Do you like BAD movies? Well congratulations! This critically acclaimed arthouse action franchise WILL put you through some of the worst moments in the history of cinema, and you WILL unironically enjoy every single second of it, perhaps even more than the good parts. Do you like movies with good acting? Well one of the greatest accomplishments of the John Wick franchise is that they went out of their way to round up all the best actors in the movie industry, just to get them to say the absolute dumbest shit on camera. For you. Do you like movies with BAD acting? Well Keanu Reeves is There and he somehow managed to be at the peak AND the rock bottom of his career at the same time, he HAS the Range.  What about…..The story? Do you like a good plot? A BAD plot? Spoiler Alert: everyone wins, because there is NO plot. 

I could go on and on but the point is, you could NOT lose with these movies even if you tried. It’s just fun for everyone, every time, and if you hate fun you can come sit next to me in the theater, and I promise I’ll do my best to take all the fun out of your viewing experience. Oh and one last thing, before I log off: I get that some of y’all have problems with graphic and gratuitous violence, and that’s valid, but hey, listen. What if it was, like, really funny 

How is it that I can be interested only in men and don't even think about girls that much, but then I see one (1) picture of a lady pirate and suddenly I am like: Women, women ❤️ WOMEN 👸 wOmEn, ✨women 😍 women 🥰. So pretty. Men who?

Like... what am I? Am I making this up? Am I faking it... whatever the "it" means? Am I straight? Am I bi? Do I just really like pirates? Is that it? Do I have a thing for pirate costumes? I need answers.