I Don't Feel Completely Fine Inside But I Feel Fine On A Surface Level And I Know I'm Not Supposed And

me, doing anything :

my family : what are you doing/why are you doing that/why are you doing that right now/do you have to do that/don't do that

me, eating something :

my family : what are you eating/why are you eating it now/do you have to eat that/why did you not ask us before finishing it, you're so selfish/don't do that

me, unable to do simple things without asking for permission because I want to avoid being questioned and criticised :

my family : why do you ask us everything, you should make your own decisions and be independent, you shouldn't be asking permission for such silly things

me : 👁️ 👄 👁️

once again,

the same nothingness, a dark spell

the same shut door, the same loud noise

"don't leave me" cried the moon to the light

-slip the door shut, mute the voice.

once again,

the cavity stretched open

the heart became a helium balloon and incredulous laughter choked the moon

what is sanity

why isn't it for me

wonder till eternity

I don't know what I'm doing

I know I'm lonely

I know it's back

But the moon isn't here

Neither is the light

Once again,

I'm alone and holding tight

© eventhough it sucks ass ©

I'm just so angry s so so angry and I don't know what to do with myself

I've been going to the same therapist for over two years and i mentioned that I wanted to be an in patient because I'm a danger to myself and my therapist said she trusts my process. When I told my mom this, she asked me to try EFT - something different - first before becoming an in patient. This was also the time when my therapist moved houses to another state. And it was after my therapist increased the fee. But yeah, anyway, while booking a session with her , my therapist told my mom that she thinks it'd be better to not have two therapists at the same time (which she'd already told me but i took in the sense that we'd ease into it and take a break and then continue because I didn't want a new therapist tbh) but my mom got upset.

And then I did have a session with her and we discovered transference was happening from both sides so we decided to do once a month sessions. And this was also when my therapist's relative died and so many things happening differently. Today while my mom was trying to book a session my therapist asked her if she'd paid already and there was a lil confusion and my mom got pissed and she ranted to me and i HATED hearing it

Not only did I hate that she was thinking negatively of my therapist but my mom also said "she's saying stuff like this only after you started the EFT sessions with another therapist" and i had already been overthinking that my therapist wouldn't want me anymore that she was waiting for an excuse to get rid of me finally that now she's not interested and that she's upset because y'know bpd fucking sucks. And my mom saying this felt like further proof and I wanted to cry and scream and throw a tantrum and tell her to shut up and not talk about her like that AND I also wanted to ask my therapist for reassurance but I didn't because what if she was going through something and that's why .

My house is under renovation and i have to write an entrance exam soon for pg i opened up to my family about my mental health issues - so many new things and i cannot and i can't be fully free with the EFT therapist because there's a mental block there I'm holding back things because I don't want her to make me totally okay because if that happens then I won't be able to talk to my therapist because there won't be big proper reasons and i can't do that and what the EFT therapist does make me feel better but i don't want her to because it feels like a betrayal

And now I feel like I'm floating and I feel like everything's changed and imagining not having her fills me with panic and anxiety and I feel like I fucked everything up and i don't know I'm distancing myself from her or trying to hold on too much and i just want to give up and die and i don't want therapy at all anymore i want nothing i want to be nothing

I feel like I've fucked up a good thing and i don't even know if EFT is working and i HATE everything and myself and the world and i literally cannot think badly of my therapist, my brain doesn't go there and i feel like if it did I would break I'm just blaming myself and hatung myself for everything and why am I like this

I was fourteen when I first read 50 Shades of Grey, or as Catherine Scott puts it — that book. What I appreciate most about it is not the spank-bank material it gave me, but the world it introduced me to; the hole that took me to my own wonderland. As my kink journey - in theory, mind you - progressed, I discovered aspects of myself I don’t think even therapy would’ve helped me access; the way I needed to be loved, the way I needed to be taken care of, the way I needed to feel small to grow, the way I needed to give myself over to reclaim autonomy.

Kink took me to regression, regression to self-awareness, and self-awareness to a yearning I sometimes cannot contain inside my body because of how large and all-consuming it is, how much space it occupies, and how it swallows me whole, especially on my worse days.

The question “how could non-sexual kink possibly be therapeutic?” has many, many answers; it is the hope I get when I imagine how I would no longer have to be responsible for myself; the relief I feel, knowing that someone wants the best for me, and letting them take over my entire being would help keep me alive; the knowledge that even though I am capable of taking care of myself, it is too much of a burden, too much of a leach sucking my battery, and so I choose to give it away, pass it over.

Someone who would squeeze my thigh, and tap it twice to indicate I need to lower my voice in public spaces, instead of an explicit “reduce your volume”, inadvertently triggering my rejection sensitivity dysphoria; someone who would wrap me up in a blanket and make me tea, cuddling me, crushing my body, until I come back from an episode; someone to make sure I can do the things I want to do, that inhibition due to my executive dysfunction wouldn’t make me a completely useless person; someone whose idea of what is best for me is my idea of what’s best for me; someone who would take care of me, when it hurts too much to take care of myself; someone I trust enough to kneel in front of because I feel shame choking me when I imagine myself submitting to anyone else; someone who chooses to stay; someone I can be a child with without fear of annoyance or judgement; someone I can be awkward with, weird with, loud with; someone whose rationality never hinders or limits their emotionality; someone to give me a healthy alternative to the unsafe pain my coping mechanism provides; someone to provide the sensation of hurt without causing me harm; someone whom I feel safe with even while constrained, blindfolded, all senses switched off; someone to gently squeeze my neck when my thoughts are too loud; someone to take over conversations when I face a sudden bout of energy loss; someone whose energy is dominating, all-encompassing; someone who would be my advocate, my shield, and sword; someone gentle, someone soft, someone who would never let me give up on myself.

Regression ≠ kink, for myself.

-kpm ©

Me : *watching something in peace*

My grandpa : ayyy, what's this ridiculous thing you're watching, change it and watch something else - there are so many good movies blah blah blah

Me : *thinks back to when he was watching a movie where a few misogynistic assholes were talking about a girl as if she was sex object, slut shaming her and literally texting her asking if the b in her name stood for blow job*

Me : I don't know why but I have a feeling your version of "good" and my version of "good" are quite different,,,,,,

usually for the most part, if someone doesn't reply to me or sends short replies, i can try and rationalize - takes a lot of effort, but I can do it. But lately, many people have been doing it and my brain is deducting that as a pattern and my bpd is acting up and i feel upset and betrayed and abandoned and hurt and rageeee and this pressure in my head to start fights which is so fucking difficult to manage/control, and i just want to scream at everyone and punch myself

Could you recommend kid friendly critical/independent thinking/youth liberation/etc material and so on that we can get print outs of?

"like to do whatever, reblog to explode someone bad" yes absolutely we should do that but you know what else we should do

go to this website

Little Free Library

Take a Book. Share a Book. - Little Free Library

Little Free Library is a nonprofit organization with a mission to build community, inspire readers, and expand book access for all through a

find one in your area or search "little library [your city]"

go to goodwill every once in a while and buy whatever you can afford worth of kids books and go stuff every single one of these things full of them.

have a printer? print out kid friendly critical thinking and environmental pamphlets and other appropriate educational materials and shove them in there. who knows what you're indirectly teaching someone that could change their life?

being a radical is doing things that challenge the norms, standards and institutions that are currently established. whatever we do on tumblr matters, it's a form of praxis, but if you wanna get real wild with it, go out into the world and start forcing it to be the way that you want to see it rather than waiting for everyone's cooperation.

why is my feed like this 😭💀

Warning for mention of abuse and wanting to die :

I used to be an abusive friend when I was in 5th/6th grade. My friends used to always replace me with new friends, I'd always be left being, always the second choice, sometimes never the choice during my younger ages, so when I formed friendships and best friends in 4th/5th/6th and so on, I used to be a bad friend. I would pinch and threaten and hurt my best friend saying that she couldn't be best friends with someone else if she still wanted to be friends with me; I'd throw a tantrum and lose my temper at almost my entire class if they didn't play games the way I wanted during P.E; I used to lose my temper quickly and yell and shout and even get violent when I couldn't deal with my emotions; my memory is so messed up right now, but I remember that my mother used to have issues with my paternal grandma and she would take out her anger and emotions out on me when I was a child. She once destroyed a fancy pen my dad bought for me - who used to be at work a lot of the time - and I screamed and yelled and gosh, it was horrible. My grandparents used to say that I was the most disobedient child they'd ever met and that they wished they were rather dead than see me; my uncle once told me that he'd rather have anyone else as his niece/nephew rather than me. And people used to make all these comments which were super hurtful and I used to be scolded so much by everybody and being a disobedient child, everyone was angry at me at one point or the other. I used to be criticized for my voice, because it's a little high pitched and my family would scold me and mock me and keep telling me to stop speaking like a baby, they'd also scold me for tiny tiny things and make super harsh comments.

I guess everything together, like water droplets forming an ocean, messed up my emotions.

The only reason I'm saying the following is because I'm anonymous and the guilt is killing me, making me feel like I deserve to die and deserve to be abused and deserve nothing good and I feel sick - I used to take my anger out when I was in the first grade, 6 years or so, on my pet dog. I used to pull his tail and ears and sometimes hit him and fuck fuck fuck fuck, I I can't. Ididn't know how to deal with emotions, all I knew was how to explode and I'd take out my emotions on my dog and I've been feeling guilty and sick and absolutely disgusted at myself for the past years and I feel like I should hurt myself to make up for the hurt I caused him and every time anyone mentions him- we were super close otherwise, he was my bestest best friend - I feel like crying and punishing myself. My heart aches and my tummy clenchesclenches and fuck, I can't. Please please please please forgive me, please let me tell me how to atone for this please please please somebody. I wrote a letter apologising and kept in in his grave when he passed away, I still can't help but sob when I think about him and I'm sobbing as I'm typing this because I love him so much so so so so much and I showed him love, but I also hurt him and he must feel so betrayed so confused that somebody who loves him and who he loved hurt him and my heart feels like it's being torn open and hot lava is being poured inside.

Anyway, um, my bpd...

There are so many things, so I'll just type it out in bullet points (warning for mention of self harm and suicidal ideation) :

1. Not being able to express certain emotions properly because they're labeled as "negative/toxic" and are seen as a trademark of people with BPD, such as jealousy or anger. So I have to try extra hard to portray anything close to these emotions because I don't want to be seen as manipulative or toxic.

2. Feeling like having a mental breakdown at the TINIEST things - even a small criticism, or a small, passing harsh comment could ruin my day and make me want to self harm. Sometimes even results in suicidal ideation.

3. Feeling so numb, all the time. Feeling like there's no motivation to do anything. Feeling like I need somebody to tell me what to do, to make me do stuff all the time. The feeling of emptiness, hollowness sucks and I rarely feel any emotion completely.

4. Feeling like I hate somebody and that I don't need them in my life (even if I cognitively know it's untrue) if they say something that wasn't what I wanted to hear, or wasn't the right thing to say, or if it was a passing remark. That feeling of betrayal and that they never loved me or understood in the first place, that they don't care about me. The feeling that people are temporary and replaceable and disposable which has formed as a defense mechanism.

5. Intense emotions, oh gosh, sometimes I "overreact" for the tiniest things and have outbursts which I regret and don't even make sense later on. A deep rage fills me and my head just wipes out and I don't even realise what's coming out of my mouth, I can't think before I speak, or wait before I type.

6. The guilt, fuck, the guilt. It makes me feel like a horrible person and it consumes me and I feel like I need to punish myself, I deserve to not be loved because of the kind of person I am.

7. The jealousy and possessiveness. Not only over people, but over pets and toys and other things too, such as favorite books and actors and characters and songs. I don't know if this possessiveness (this feeling of they're my safe thing/person etec) is a symptom of bpd.