When You're Having A Hard Time And Trying To Reach Out For Support And Suddenly You're A Child Again

therapists saying you're surprisingly self aware is like being called a pleasure to have in class for adults

I am so tired and burnt out, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore

Having suicidal depression is like having a constant itch you can’t scratch. Even if you don’t plan on actually committing suicide the feeling doesn’t just go away. It’s constantly in the back of your mind. Whenever road blocks happen in your life instead of figuring out how to fix things like a normal person would your brain immediately goes to, “just kill yourself.” When you wake up in the morning the first thought you have is about killing yourself because your dreams are the only time you can escape the pain of living with suicidal depression. You find no worth in your accomplishments. Even when you actually do accomplish something it’s like it has no worth because you don’t find worth in yourself. You constantly compare yourself to your peers and wonder if you would have actually been succseful like them if you didn’t have a mental illness. Even if you do feel happy for a moment that moment ends and you remember that you have no worth, are stupid, haven’t accomplished anything in life and are a waste of space who needs to just end it already. You know you’re unlovable. No one wants to be with someone with suicidal depression because they don’t want to be with someone who will bring them down. You constantly are thinking about killing yourself and knowing that you can’t makes you feel trapped. Dying isn’t a soluation but you don’t want to live another disappointing year where nothing but bad things happen to you and you don’t grow or change at all. Having suicidal depression is watching everyone around you grow and change while you remain the same. And no one can see how much pain you are in.

I wanna burn down every single bridge I built cause I’m tired of being the only person that makes sure it doesn’t fall apart

i hardly have any pictures of myself after the age of like 6 because nobody around me paid attention to me and when i became a teen i hated myself too much to take pictures, and i don’t even take them now as an adult. it makes me sad when i see pictures on social media of my friends hanging out and doing things, having photographed memories they can look back on.

me? i sit and rot in my bedroom, not going out and unable to look at myself without feeling disgusting.

they mean everything to me and i treasure every happy moment i spend with them, but to them, i'm replaceable.

omg maybe life is worth living [i had a decent day] —> i cannot be saved [the slightest inconvenience occurs] —> i am a fucking god and everyone loves me [someone laughed at my joke] —> i am going to kill myself [i feel a little bit unwanted because of someone’s reaction]

and this shit just goes on and on and NEVER stops

It finally clicked in my brain, that the reason you don't treat me like you treat others in your life, is because you love the others in your life. You love having them in your life. I've simply become the obligation you can't untangle yourself from.

If the rest of my life is like this I’m gonna be honest… I will definitely be killing myself at some point