Latest Posts by twistybat - Page 5

I hope something wonderful happens to you this week. 🌸

Lindsay C. Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

Find a soul that doesn’t lose appreciation once they are used to you.

Abused kid things:

having scars on your body you can’t remember how you got them

gaping holes in memory

feeling distortion in your limbs, your body doesn’t feel yours

always feeling terrified of being called out for a mistake

worrying that you are A BOTHER to everyone at all times

guilt for wanting attention

depriving yourself of attention to cope with guilt and thinking it will “toughen you up”

guilt for receiving attention

feeling uncomfortable whenever things are about you

always feeling seconds from being targeted for someone’s anger

being overly accommodating and still feeling it’s not enough and you will PAY FOR NOT DOING MORE

feeling you’re going insane

trying to blame your own symptoms on yourself

trying to shame yourself just like everyone else has shamed you

feeling life would be better if only you weren’t the way you are

craving for something horribble to happen to you just so you could stop anticipating it

fantasies of abuse + obligatory guilt for having fantasies of abuse

self doubt over weather you actually deserved or wanted to be abused

trying to prove to yourself that you didn’t

not knowing how to prove that to anyone else

trying to soothe yourself by explaining your symptoms away and telling yourself your fears are not real

wondering why you stayed alive this far

it’s time we go for what we want and not what’s convenient or comfortable

Be you but remember 👆

Subtle signs of long-term psychological abuse:

Intrusive belief that you have to do everything perfectly and flawlessly or you are no good, deep drop in self-esteem upon making a smallest mistake or being criticized, feeling that your value is tied completely to how well you can finish tasks, perfectionism

Low self-esteem, feeling you’re less smart, less capable, less valuable or less lovable than the people around you; struggling to feel like you’re an equal part of something, worry that people don’t find your worth keeping around, always worrying about being left behind

Over-taking responsibility for everything, bending backwards to make things go well for everyone, feeling guilty and ashamed if something goes wrong that wasn’t in your control, always taking tasks other people wouldn’t do, doing anything to feel useful

Making excuses for other people when they hurt you, always being ready to ‘look at it from their side’ and assume they had a good reason to hurt you, or didn’t mean it, or didn’t realize they were doing it, or were ‘just lashing out’ and doing it because of their own pain – but you’d never make those excuses for yourself, or forgive yourself if you did that

Double standards for yourself and others, you feel it’s okay for others to be selfish, unreasonable, short-tempered, assholes, hurtful, impatient, self-centered, but it’s not okay for you to be any of that, judging yourself way more harshly than others

Constant fear of abandonment from your friends and loved ones, fear that you won’t be able to go on if you’re rejected and abandoned by them, over-pleasing them in fear they’ll leave

Feeling there’s something deeply wrong about you, always looking for a way to blame yourself for anything that went wrong, feeling cursed, impostor syndrome

Inclination to hide as much as possible about yourself, only showing an image to people you socialize with, fear that if anyone knew the ‘real you’ they would be repulsed and grossed out

Shame for feeling pain, shame for crying, feeling weak and despicable for being vulnerable and hurt, urge to hide and isolate whenever you’re in pain, feeling others would hate you for it

Constant pressure to prove yourself, never feeling like you’re 'good enough’, rarely or never feeling happy or proud of yourself, every day is a battle to show that you’re still worth something

Feeling you have to be always open to scrutiny and criticism, even if it comes from people who don’t know you and don’t wish you well

Arranging your life only to please others, acting a role of support or a servant in other people’s lives, feeling selfish if you try to think of what would be best for you

Worrying that every nice thing anyone has said about you was out of politeness, and every horrible thing someone said about you is secretly true; inability to hold a consistent self image that isn’t affected by everyone’s view of you, imagining that others are thinking the worst of you

Spiraling into feelings of not wanting to exist anymore, wishing you weren’t born, not being able to find anything good about yourself, seeing yourself as a stack of flaws and past mistakes

Because where something comes from matters.

art is not static

big takeaway from 'cant separate art from artist' talk is that some buds have VERY hard time recognizing art is not static and its meaning changes over time. they sarcastically ask 'so if you find out someone is bad their art somehow gets worse?' UH YEAH BUD THAT IS EXACTLY IT

seen things like: 'okay you listen to song and AT FIRST you love it then you learn its by charlie manson you cant just suddenly say now its bad' as if this is gotcha moment. i assure you bud i absolutely CAN suddenly say its bad now thats literally how artistic experience works

BUD WITH EYEROLL: 'so you are saying art changes based on what you know or dont know about who made it like some objective constantly evolving thing just because of how it makes you feel?' CHUCK: 'yes now you are just describing art now over and over again as if you are making a point'

Social Abuse and Communication Abuse: Abuse that will affect the way socialize and see yourself within a social group, and the way you’re able to express and communicate. Bold or copy ones done to you, italicize and copy if you’re not sure! Alternatively, just count how many apply to you and write down the numbers.

Communication abuse:

abuser punishing you for not showing enough interest in what they’re saying

abuser deciding what are appropriate reactions to their words and actions

abuser humiliating you for showing excitement/happiness

abuser shaming you for not showing will to participate when they think you should

abuser punishing you for a certain face expression(s)

abuser punishing you for having a certain emotional reaction to their words and actions

abuser demanding you shut down your emotions except for the ones they find convenient

abuser punishing you for contradicting them/challenging them on anything they say

abuser punishing you for confronting them on their lies

abuser comparing you to others to point out how you’re lacking/somehow worse than everyone else

abuser using any kind of inexperience/lack of knowledge/lack of skill to humiliate and depict you as a failure or an idiot

abuser making you extremely self-conscious about how you look and sound while you’re trying to socialize/communicate

abuser making you feel like everyone is noticing the same faults in you

abuser forcing you to consider how you’re viewed by them to the point of being unable to focus on what you want to say/express/do

abuser watching you when you’re not aware of it and proceeding to humiliate/hurt you for what you were doing while you thought you were unwatched

abuser making you feel like you’re always watched and judged by repeatedly catching you off guard and punishing you for it

abuser disregarding all your expressions of needs and emotions, letting you know that what you want and need is not important, and making you feel stupid for even voicing it

abuser ignoring your expression of pain or repeatedly insisting that you stop expressing it, have no reason to express it and finding your expression of pain an annoyance or a bother or even an attack on them

abuser hurting you even worse in reaction to your expression of pain, convincing you that the more you express it, the more they will hurt you, effectively making you scared of expressing pain and connecting it to further punishments

abuser taking your expressions of emotions as a personal insult and accusing you of hurting them on purpose, or even punishing you for it, just for expressing your personal emotions

 Social abuse:

abuser showing off their control and authority over you in front of others

abuser humiliating you in front of others

abuser ordering you around, minimizing your presence and importance, and twisting your words and expressions in front of others

abuser talking in your name to others and making decisions for you

abuser making you seem selfish/cruel/inconsiderate/rude/mean to others if you disagree with their decisions

abuser publicly criticizing your appearance, actions, achievements or problems

abuser talking as if they’re the absolute authority on who you are and what your potential is

abuser talking about you to others as if you’re beneath them, and as if it’s okay to ignore your needs and interests completely, and not feel guilty or concerned about it

abuser encouraging and succeeding in having other people approve of abuse/perpetuate the abuse as well

abuser convincing other people the abuse is for your own good and getting validation for it

abuser having people on their side and rutting them against you

abuser successfully convincing other people you’re just trying to get attention and they should ignore you

abuser spreading information about you to your peers/friends/teachers that humiliates, ridicules, invalidates or villainaizes you

abuser painting a picture of you as a liar, hysterical, too emotional, delusional, crazy, unstable and not to be trusted in order to make sure you will not be believed when you try to speak out against them, or about any issue that bothers you

abuser telling others about abuse and trauma you’ve been thru without your permission/blaming the symptoms you show on trauma of their choosing

abuser telling others you’re abusive/selfish and twisting your intentions and actions to vilify you

abuser telling others about your mental illness, sexual orientation or other sensitive personal information that can easily be used against you, without your permission

abuser isolating you from your friends, support, and community and convincing you that nobody will stand on your side when it matters

abuser punishing you for who you choose to include in your social life and finding ways to make you regret it in order to dictate who you’re allowed to talk to

abuser stalking/eavesdropping/invading your privacy and using information they found against you/to control you

abuser convincing you that even people you thought care about you couldn’t possibly care because of who you are as a person, and shaming you for thinking for a second that you could be lovable to someone

abuser reacting to anything you say as if it was a stupid and unnecessary thing to say, and using it as a proof of you being of less intelligence

abuser continually reminding you how badly will others think of you if you continue doing what they disapprove of

abuser continually finding something wrong with you and pointing out how will others react to it if you don’t change it

abuser lying to you about what others have said about you/what they think of you

abuser deciding how others perceive you and what they think of you

abuser deciding what your place is in society and reminding you to “know your place” if you act outside the role

abuser displaying anger and punishing you if others give you positive attention

abuser denying others the chance to give you positive attention (taking their attention, getting them away from you, interrupting and starting a new topic when they’re trying to talk to you)

abuser making a show of caring about you, only to change it into ridicule and humiliation

abuser putting you in situation they already know is going to end up in public humiliation

abuser having you spend time in an abusive and hostile environment, being forced to endure socializing with people who will take any chance to attack and emotionally abuse you, without the ability to confront them or escape

abuser forcing you to change what you think of yourself based on how they see you, having you look at yourself only from their point of view and deciding it’s who you are

abuser taking away your means of communication (phone, internet, and any other means you would usually use to communicate with others)

If you bold more than 5 of these, you’ve been abused and sabotaged from ever establishing a healthy way of expressing, communicating and socializing with others. In other words, no you’re not bad at expressing, you’re not bad at communication, you’re not at fault for struggling to socialize, this was done to you to sabotage you from ever having a healthy start. (also if you’re struggling with social anxiety it’s very likely abuse has played a part in it, or at least made it worse)

Not interested in a love I have to earn or perform for. I want to be loved as a choice, on purpose, not as a reward

this korean butch lady is so cool she legally changed her name to lesvos, a variation of lesbos the birthplace of sappho. which is also the name of her lesbian bar, the first one ever established in south korea in 1996.

link to article here

Reassurance Masterlist

My blog is mostly harsh to read, so here’s every reassuring post I made:

When you feel it “wasn’t that bad”

How loving parents act towards their kids

You’ve done enough to try and understand your parents

Abuse towards you cannot be justified

Abuse and trauma have no benefits

When you feel you weren’t abused enough

There was nothing you could have done differently to avoid abuse

It’s not your fault you feel like you don’t belong

Talking about abuse isn’t whining

Craving abuse is not your fault

Self-harming is not your fault

Intrusive thoughts are not your fault

Nobody in your situation would be able to get it together

Needing attention, comfort and validation is normal and human

You’re allowed to feel your feelings

You cannot provoke abuse, and you did not ask for it

Abuser’s point of view is not valid

Abusive parents can’t tell you who you are

Responsibility for abuse lies on abuser, not on you

Your pain is not a burden on others

When you struggle to call yourself a survivor

You do not deserve abuse even if you feel addicted to it

Your abuser didn’t have to hurt you

Nobody made them abuse you

Your future won’t be lost even if you can’t move forward right now

You are alive because of yourself

There are good things in you even if you don’t see it

Your problem isn’t that you’re not good enough

You can make up for everything abuse damaged in you

Relapses are not your fault and can be time-related

Craving abuse can mean you’re only craving comfort

Survivors of abuse will strive to create an environment of compassion

After being raised in abuse, it can take a long time to even notice that you’re uncomfortable with a situation you’re in.

I remember for the first time, acknowledging that certain situations made me feel awful, and I wasn’t comfortable taking part in them anymore, only after I escaped. When you’re abused, you’re trapped in a state of almost constant discomfort. To the point where you don’t even notice, don’t even try to fight it, the discomfort is just something you ignore almost instinctively, because you’re so used to not being able to do anything about it. You’re threatened and cornered into having no other option. So accepting everything and anything you feel uncomfortable about, even after escaping abuse, can be almost natural, you don’t even think about it as something avoidable, something you can opt out of.

It takes time to realize that the discomfort is not there to push aside and endure and avoid. It takes time to realize that you have options. That you’re not forced to socialize, to be in a place that stresses the hell out of you, that you don’t have to please whoever wants you to be there, that you can leave, or refuse to even come there in the first place. That you won’t lose anything, or be punished or miss opportunities, if you refuse to endure discomfort. That uncomfortable situations are not ‘mandatory to learn and grow’, they’re places your body doesn’t want to be, and shouldn’t have to be forced into. You’re allowed to strive for comfort. You’re allowed to only put yourself in situations that you really want to be in.

I need each and every person who sees this to pay attention to what is going on with the Indian Child Welfare Act.

The same SCOTUS that refered to tribal land as a territory of the state is about to hear a case that might overturn ICWA.

ICWA allows Alaska Natives and Native Americans control over the adoption and foster care placement of Native American and Alaska Children. In practice what this ensures is that if a Native American or Alaska Native child cannot be raised with their parents', the extended family will be given custody. If the extended family cannot care for the child, the child is placed with a family in their tribe or, barring that, with a family who is Native American or Alaska Native.

This act is important for two reasons:

For centuries, Native Americans and Alaska Natives were forcibly assimilated into White culture. From the 1800s to the late 1900s, children were taken from their families and either adopted out to White people or put in boarding schools. If parents refused, they were sometimes incarcerated, and they could lose custody of their other children. There are cases where tribes would hide their children and tell people who came that they had none...so the white people started showing up uannounced. The children sent to these schools were abused. Some were murdered. And survivors still live with the trauma. ICWA was passed to stop this...but not even 50 years after it being passed, it's at risk.

Native Americans and Alaska Natives are constitutionally guaranteed sovereignty. We all know the government picks and chooses when it wants to honor that, but Native Americans and Alaska Natives are supposed to have sovereignty. The idea that one country can step in and tell sovereign tribes and nations that they are not allowed to control the placement of their own children should be absurd. The U.S. doesn't tell Britain what to do with their foster care system...but the SCOTUS knows that Native Americans and Alaska Natives don't have an army or navy like Britain does. Because of this the SCOTUS believes it has the right to violate years of precedent and treaties. It knows that it will be protected no matter what it decides.

So I'm asking people to keep an eye on ICWA. I'm asking them to boost the signal. And I'm asking them to protest if it falls.

If someone is trying incredibly hard to please me, I know something is wrong. That kind of desire doesn’t come naturally. I know something bad has happened to this person, and they need attention rather than people indulging in their sacrificing acts of servitude.

Nobody should be desperate and try to please anyone out of fear that they’ll be punished, or that they’ll be hated and despised if not useful and pleasing enough. That is a form of control with the threat of terror and pain hanging over a person’s head, their desire to please and be useful isn’t coming from their own sense of fulfillment, but out of fear that there’s no other alternative, no other way they’re allowed to exist.

I would prefer not to exist than to have someone live in fear of what’s going to happen to them unless they make my existence pleasurable for every second of my life. That is not humane, no person alive needs this kind of servitude. This is what abusive parents do to children to terrorize them into convenience and usefulness and it’s a form of torture. Nobody should be benefiting from that torture. Nobody should want that kind of thing to exist.

Watching the “you will excel at what you measure” trap devour basic moral practice in real time is fascinating in a terrible kind of way

Jason & Friends

Acroball and white gel pen.

Flautist Melissa Jefferson plays slaver James Madison's 200-year-old crystal flute in the Library of Congress.