I Just Found Them Utterly Delightful This Season

richie performing his own material like *goes off script every 5 minutes*

When Five first jumped into the future and found himself in the apocalypse and found his siblings’ bodies at the mansion, he wouldn’t have found Ben’s body but wouldn’t know why. 

Do you think he stayed there a while, picking through the rubble, searching for a body that wasn’t there, just to make sure, wondering what it meant? Do you think that for a while he held on to this tiny crazy speck of hope that maybe, someway, somehow, Ben had survived? His body wasn’t at the mansion so maybe he’s still out there. Maybe he wasn’t alone, maybe he had one sibling left if he could just find him somehow. 

But then of course he would have found Vanya’s book. And he learned that Ben wasn’t the lucky one, just the opposite. And Five’s smart and he’s practical. From the beginning he’d known that there was almost no chance of Ben still being alive. He’d just wanted so very badly to believe. 

That’s a turning point for Five. That moment when he knows for certain that his brothers and sisters– all of them– are dead. And he is utterly alone. And the only thing that matters, is changing that. 

can not get over Miss Vanya Hargreeves having absolutely no memories and then a 15 year old in a terrible uniform pops up and is like 'hey you're my sister we're superheros the apocalypse is this week let's go' and she just,,,,accepted that lmao

how to draw arms ? ? 

i knew i was going to die when i saw you for the first time in twenty-seven years. 

your voice, first—oh, that voice—and then i turned and saw you, across the room, across the great divide—and i swallowed hard because i knew. i was going to die for you because i would always die for you. remember? all those times i ran for you, jumped off the quarry for you, drove your truck fast down the highway because you liked when i got reckless—all that stupid shit i did for you, no question (a little pushback, maybe). i would die for you, simple. and i knew when i looked to you and you looked back to me that i was going to.

but i didn’t want to. i fought it every step of the way. i could see—if i just made it through the dinner, if i just made it through the pharmacy, if i just made it through the ritual, if i just made it through the sewers—there was a life with you, waiting patiently.

i wanted to make it.

we have lived a life of should-haves. all of us—and it goes back further than that summer: we should have turned left on jackson instead of right when we were just kids and maybe we never would have found ourselves in it’s path. and i should have told you, so many times. i had every chance. i should have followed you, gone wherever you wanted, driven west in that car i saved up for and forgotten all about new york, forgotten all about anything that wasn’t you. but we never really got it right.

when the claw went through my chest, it didn’t hurt. when i said your name and my mouth filled with blood, it didn’t hurt. when you laid me against the rock and pressed your hand to my stomach, it didn’t hurt. 

but it hurt when i laughed and it hurt when you smiled that split-second smile. (that’s when i knew i would not last much longer). it hurt when your smile fell. it hurt when you walked away from me. it hurt knowing i could not get up and follow you. and it hurt knowing that when you came back to me, you would have to find me dead and i could not hold you—i would never be able to make the pain go away anymore and i would be the cause of it.

i knew i was going to die for you a long time ago. i had just forgotten for a while. i didn’t know it would be like this—i thought maybe you’d hold me a little longer, maybe i’d tell you then.

i don’t know what i said while i died. i wanted to say, i wish you wouldn’t go. i wanted to tell you i was sorry i would not keep my promise to hold on. i hope you know i wanted to. i remember the blurry and fragmented image of you, walking away after slipping your pinky from mine. most of all, i wanted to tell you that tomorrow, we should get up early and go back home to our place, how about it my love?

but the last thing i remember is you, behind me on the cliff at the quarry on a summer day, reaching out to take my hand before we jumped, your voice shouting my name. and then—

would it be a nice day tomorrow? would the sun be shining on you, the way i always liked? 

i wonder. 

in recent years, there's been a push in therapeutic circles to shift the language from "attention-seeking" to "connection-seeking" behavior.

i was an attention-seeker. i was the textbook example of an attention-seeker. i was a troublemaker. i would self-harm. i destroyed my own relationships. i was uncontrolled, dramatic, sensitive. i took everything personally. i had "nothing" to be depressed "about," but made a big show of how sad i was nonetheless. i was really unsafe about myself in a lot of ways.

the strange thing about that is: it meant others could ignore me. the prevailing wisdom behind knowing something is "attention seeking" is to say: well, since you want it that bad, you're not getting any. it meant i was lower-on-the-list of concern. it meant an eye-roll.

the belief was that: since i was obviously doing these things on purpose, it would be bad behavioral training if i was "rewarded" for it. it would "teach me" that i simply had to make enough fuss, and i'd finally get all that missing attention and love. no, it was better to ignore that stuff.

i was suffering. and it felt like - oh, it doesn't matter how loudly i am in pain, nobody gives a shit about if i'm living or dying.

awhile ago, i went through my journals from that time. a lot of them read the same thing. in them, i am convinced i am invisible. that nobody wants to hear me, to see me. that i could die or vanish and nobody would even notice. i didn't even want attention - not really - because it was always dismissive, mocking. nothing i ever did would be good enough to get someone to actually-worry about me.

that's a terrifying thing for me to read as an adult. that is a child who fully has no problem committing. that is a child who has no concept of feeling loved. the most basic human instinct is missing from her life.

i needed help. i didn't know how to ask for it. i was a kid. i was a kid in a bad home, and whenever i thought things couldn't get worse there - they almost always did.

and the ways i showed that - the ways i tried to deal with that - they made others dismiss me. i wasn't suffering prettily. after all, if i was really in trouble, why wouldn't i just march into the first counselor's office and ask someone to help me? i had the opportunities, right? what did i think would happen, exactly? that someone would finally stand up and do something? who even wants that kind of responsibility?

i heard connection-seeking for the first time about three months ago. my therapist mentioned it when we were talking about my history. it rang some kind of horrible bell, deep inside me. i don't know what she said in the rest of her sentence. i just started... crying.

"oh no", i said to her. "i think i just realized: i have no idea how to forgive them for minimizing the ways i was hurting."

how many other kids, though. how many other kids were out there drowning, snatching around for a lifevest, some kind of rope - how many were straight-up ignored.

how many of those kids aren't gonna get old.

I love how all the siblings learn that Diego got put in a mental hospital and they’re all just like ‘not surprised’ and THEN they find out he got put in there for trying to kill lee Harvey Oswald and they’re all just like ‘not surprised’

i love that sirius black escapes azkaban and his first 2 instincts are:

seek vengeance  

buy expensive gifts for school children 

Do you think it's possible for the show to come back from where it's at? This entire second season has disappointed me further with each episode and I feel they've destroyed Liz's character.

Hmm... well I don’t think I’m going to get the resolution I want out of Echo’s fight. So for me it’s more about whether I can isolate this specific arc enough to enjoy S3 Echo. Similarly, I really want to move away from scenes of Liz arguing about her right to others’ DNA so I can isolate that storyline in my head as well. If we’re not getting an apology, then switch gears so I can too lol.

I do think there’s a lot of good content that could come from Echo working together as exes, with tension, bitterness, awkwardness, and pining. I also personally love the idea of Jones making things hella awkward for Echo, and Echo maybe having to navigate Jones trying to infiltrate the group and replace Max (e.g., Max saying “Jones left”, and Liz being the one to realise that it’s actually Jones having locked Max up [chained to the floor!] and pretending to be Max after learning how to imitate him). That’d be fun for me.

As it is, I’m still enjoying Max’s story. I love watching him get more alien, being able to read/understand alien language, being able to “communicate” with all these things, connecting more with his family and trying to understand his own identity/history. Him starting to unravel is fun, but also, it was interesting to see him choose himself in 2x13. Everything he’s done in the past has been for his siblings or for Liz, so this is new territory that he’s choosing to stay in Roswell for himself. And I’m excited about the clone!Max speculation coming true (that ridiculous fucking beard aside, lmao).

If I stopped enjoying the Max stuff as well, then I would be out 🤣 I don’t know where the rest of Echo fam is at right now tbh.

TW Don’t kill yourself today

Don’t kill yourself today

Because your Netflix trial still has a week left

Don’t kill yourself today

Because no one else will finish off the chicken in the fridge

Don’t kill yourself today

Because I know for a fact that Starbucks is releasing a new Frappuccino sometime next month

Yes, your mother will miss you

Yes your bully will make a sappy Facebook post about how what a a wonderful person you were

And yes

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem

You know that

You’ve known that

Everyone and anyone has been shoving that down your throat since they first learned what the word suicide meant

So don’t kill yourself

Until you finish your shampoo and conditioner at the same time

Don’t kill yourself

Until Doctor Who is finally cancelled

Don’t kill yourself

Until you tell someone your best pasta recipe 

Don’t kill yourself 

Because I will keep coming up with reasons for you not to

And I need you

To hear all of them

Don’t kill yourself

I love you

You’re important

It’s a bad day

Not a bad life

There is more to this

The world will keep spinning on its axis without you

But

Think of all the sunrises you’d miss

I know this sounds pointless

But when you’re sitting in front of everything deadly you own

Revising your goodbyes

There will be too much darkness 

To see anything else

But this is not about seeing anything else

This is about turning off the lights

This is about finding the bed instead of the noose

This is about giving yourself one more day

Even if it takes ten thousand of those

One more morning’s

Until

“I can’t wait for tomorrow”

This is about staying alive

Because there’s gonna be a new Marvel movie

No one should miss that

This is about staying alive

Because the future is coming 

And it’s ready for you

I don’ t need you to see it

I just need you to believe you can make it 

Until then

- Hannah Dains