I Have Such A Complicated Relationship With The Word “goals.”

i have such a complicated relationship with the word “goals.”

i grew up constantly being asked what my goals or ambitions are for my life. i had answers when i was younger, id come up with different jobs all the time.

but as i got older - and sicker, i found it increasingly hard to feel encouraged by having goals.

it felt more like a weight that i wasnt able to carry, like i was carrying a massive burden on my back with everything going on in my life, and then i was expected to pretend like that burden wasnt there, and to jump up as high as everyone else who didnt have that burden.

as i continued to get sicker (to the point i had to leave school early) the questions of goals never stopped, and that was deeply confusing for me.

my goal was take care of myself, that was it. but that never seemed to be enough for people.

i would answer saying “im just trying to take care or myself and heal at the moment.” and they would ask me again, “but what are your life and career goals?”

why is taking care of myself not a good enough goal?

so now as i am in less of a crisis stage of life, im starting to open myself up to more “career and life goals.”

but thinking of goals is incredibly hard now.. i find myself feeling sick with anxiety thinking about even simple goals.. and i think im just really terrified of “failing” again and having to quit like i did with school.

i also feel like i have spent many years now trying to gain a healthy relationship with rest, with healing, with not being what society deems as “productive,” that i feel a bit uneasy about returning to more “productive” goals.

i dont want to lose what ive learnt over my time healing, i dont want to pressure myself too much to go back to being a “productive member of society.”

there are things i want to achieve in my life, of course there are. i dont lack motivation, in fact i have a really hard time having enough time and energy to do all the things im really eager to do.

its just that i have such a complicated relationship and past with the normal path that society wants people to take in life, im scared of losing myself, and failing in re-engaging in such things.

More Posts from Zylahbee and Others

2 weeks ago

you know how people talk about seeing in black and white and when things are more complicated or nuanced then they say its grey? yeah i kinda hate that. life is so much more than greyscale.

i like to think about life in rainbow thank you very much.

i dont believe that the scale of right and wrong, good and bad, is linear. people are SO complicated and the scope of what is possible is enormous.

when we talk about complex topics like politics, trauma, ethics, diversity and disability there are countless factors to consider. youre telling me that makes it grey??? 😭 nonono that makes it a unique blend of all the colours of the rainbow depending on the persons entire lifes worth of experiences.

this dont mean you can excuse your actions by saying its complicated, it can be complicated and still be wrong this is just about readjusting grey to colours

anyways when someone does something you disagree with, instead of trying to think in shades of grey, consider the endless amounts of possibilities there are to create a unique painting of colours representing this persons experiences.

think in colour peeps 🌈


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4 months ago

i hate how people don’t understand the difference between having no motivation, and having the motivation but being physically UNABLE to do it.

trust me when i say i wish i was not ill and could just “go get a job.”


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4 months ago

alright lets get this out of the way.

school bathrooms should be unlocked during school ALWAYS

school children should be allowed to go to the bathroom ALWAYS

school children should NEVER have to ask to go to the bathroom, just tell the teacher that they need to go

schools should NEVER question a child on why they need the bathroom

schools should NEVER make jokes about how often a child uses the bathroom

schools should NEVER get angry at children for using the bathroom

NEVER should a teacher approach a child about their bathroom usage.

if there is a concern or problem with a childs use of the bathrooms, the school should speak to their parent or have a meeting involving the parents and the principle.

if there is misuse of the bathrooms, the school should speak to their parent or have a meeting involving the parents and the principle.

you never know what children could be dealing with, whether they have bladder issues, gi issues, mental health issues or other disabilities. some children may be using the bathroom to hide from bullies, or they may have addiction issues.

it doesnt matter. its shouldnt be the teachers job to police toilet usage. only when there is an issue should limits or supervision be put in place, AFTER meeting with their parents and potentially the student to figure out the reasons for such issues.

i know this is really controversial but im really sick of horror stories from kids like me who dealt with the shit that is school bathrooms


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2 months ago

IS THAT AN EXPENSIVE SOUND 😭😭😭😭

Just Random Stuff I Find Annoying
Just Random Stuff I Find Annoying
Just Random Stuff I Find Annoying
Just Random Stuff I Find Annoying
Just Random Stuff I Find Annoying
Just Random Stuff I Find Annoying

Just random stuff I find annoying

2 months ago

maddening that the media refuses to call nazi salutes what they are. HOW ARE WE HERE RIGHT NOW. fucks sake.


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4 months ago
UHC Website Has An Article Entitled "Response To Misinformation" In Which It Explicitly Labels Luigi

UHC website has an article entitled "Response to Misinformation" in which it explicitly labels Luigi as a killer despite a trial not taking place. Which in itself is defamation and very telling of their concerns with pushing a narrative more than a legal and ethical perspective.

2 weeks ago

anyone who thinks health issues end with walking out of the hospital doors, massive reality check for ya. there is no clocking out of chronic illness or disability.

surgery does not cure everything, medication does not cure everything. hospital cannot cure everything.

the amount of people in my life who believe that when i go to hospital, i will be discharged cured or symptom free is astonishing to me.

most of these people have known me long enough to have seen me through multiple hospital admissions and every time they come back to this way of thinking even though its never happened.


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3 months ago

“consistency is key” doesn’t apply to many disabled people.

going to the doctor and having them tell me that, and that i need to stick to a schedule they have deemed appropriate is completely comedic.

what about the fact that my health and ability to do anything is a constant gamble? it can change drastically and almost instantly at any given time.

what about how right now i can stand up and make myself breakfast, but by lunch time? who knows. i may be unable to even sit up.

how do u listen to me explain that i dont have a daily or weekly schedule because of how unpredictable my health is, and reply by giving me a schedule.

do you not think i have tried to stick to a routine and schedule like all the healthy people around me??

all i see is people with consistency. i grew up thinking i was broken because i couldnt. i have pushed myself to breaking points trying to fit your mould of success and health.

im sorry if you experience this too. im going to make another post about what consistency can look like for me and other disabled people. because while we dont fit the classic definition of it, there are ways we can make our own version. i wish doctors would listen to me and would help me find my version instead of insisting on theirs, but they havent, so i wanna try help others find theirs. prt. 2 here (now going to make multiple more posts on this topic lol)


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2 months ago

being unattractive or physically different/disabled DOES NOT equal being morally bad/evil. there is an atrocious amount of ableism that occurs when someone doesn’t look “normal.” and i am so fucking sick of it.

in media it is (almost) always the villains who are different/disabled. and media is a massive part of how people form their world views.

i want to mention arcane for example, because people seem to be confused about what good representation is. people praise the hell out of that show, and for good reason it has great things about it, but people told me it had good disabled representation. so i watched it. and while parts of the disabled representation is good.. almost all physically different/disabled characters are portrayed as bad/evil/villains at some point in their story (or all of it.) and then by the end of the show most of them are dead.

abled people i need you to understand that is not good representation. please look out for these tropes it happens ALL the time.

good representation includes different/disabled characters who are heroes and morally “good” too.

if you make all your villains physically different and none of them are heroes i hate you. i am so sick of this.


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