Your personal Tumblr journey starts here
Things abusers do to sabotage you from leaving, or ‘Why you can’t just leave’:
Parental
convince you that you couldn’t survive without them and you wouldn’t be able to support yourself or make it out there alone
refuse to teach you survival skills, find excuses like 'you’re too clumsy, you’re not capable, you wont be able to do this’
convince you of 'catastrophic events’ that would take place if you were out there; homelessness, starvation, social rejection, failing at everything, financial struggles, kidnapping, murder
convince you that the world is a scary place and you’d be a failure and dead 'in the real world’
traumatize you to the point where you struggle to get thru the day, which now also makes it seem like you wouldn’t be able to make it on your own
talk you out of finding work, tell you about awful things that would happen to you if you went and found a job, try to make you to 'work for them’ or at least in the close area
if you find work, they claim a part or entirety of your income, making sure you don’t have escape money
regularly make you feel ashamed of not being able to be independant, and letting you know that only people who are able to be independant deserve to have freedom and place out in the real world
guilt-trip you to feel like you owe them caretaking because they raised you, so you’re owing them to stay and take care of them instead of living your own life
Emotional
complain about how 'everyone abandons them’ in order to make you feel like you’re just 'one of the bad ones who betrayed them’ if you think about leaving
every time you try to leave, they overwhelm you with a new incident, sickness or drama that makes it seem like you’re abandoning them in the middle of a tragedy
act overly attached to you, making sure you know that if you left, they wouldn’t know what to do without you, and they’d be heartbroken, but still they refuse to respect your boundaries
convince you that you’re “all they’ve got”, you’re special and unique to them, only you can understand and help them
love-bomb you until you’re attached and bonded to them to the point where leaving feels unimaginably painful because you’d be losing your closest person in the world
begging, pleading, acting like they gave you no reason to leave, promising to change, promising to do anything you’ve wanted to happen for a long time, making you feel like things are just about to get good and like they regret everything bad they’ve ever done
launching an attack on your persona, pointing out every time you did something 'bad’ and insisting that you’re actually the worst of the two, so you can’t blame them for anything
guilt trips; reminding you of everything they’ve done for you and how ungrateful you are, reminding you of all of the nice things you’ve said about them before, asking if it ever meant anything, accusing you of being heartless if you go, of never loving them, of mistreating them, accusing you of being toxic, deciding you’re hurting them on purpose if you leave
deciding you’re leaving because of their specific problem/situation/disability/illness that you’ve always been considerate and supportive about (another guilt trip)
say it’s “your fault they’ll never get better” with whatever you were helping them with
deciding you only want to leave because of your unhealthy trust issues or 'you push people away’ or 'misinterpret things because of your trauma’ and asking you to be honest with yourself
asking you to explain in detail why you feel the need to leave, only to attack your reasoning and explain it all away and minimize it to make it seem like you have no good reason for leaving
tell you that 'nobody will ever love you again’ if you leave
threaten to expose your most vulnerable secrets if you leave
threaten to hurt themselves if you leave
Psychological
gaslight you into doubting whether you’re abused, to the point where you feel like you’re exaggerating, going insane, remembering things wrong, and unsure if the problem is you or them
time an event of abuse specifically when you’re trying to work on something, or you’re immensely stressed and trying to meet a deadline, so you’d be too overwhelmed with fear/anger/grief, and can’t make your work in time
regularly having intense violent or dramatic reactions to your harmless behaviour, making you feel like you can’t predict what they’ll do if you leave or how that could end for you
support your codependency on them, or financially support your addiction, so you feel tied to them and have to go back to them in order to feel normal again
undermine and trash your work, imply or outright say your work is stupid, meaningless, badly done, and not worth doing, trying to discourage you from working
verbally assault you and criticize your work to the point where you start to feel anxious and upset whenever you’re working, making work a trauma trigger for you
punish you for 'lying to them’ if you fail to mention something, making it clear that you will get hurt every time you make any move they don’t like, which makes it even more scary to leave
threaten to make a suicide attempt if you leave
threaten to hurt you if you leave
threaten to report you and try to get you imprisoned for a real or imagined crime if you leave
threaten to have you admitted to a mental institution (or any other kind of institution) where you’ll be even more controlled
threatening your family members, loved ones, friends, and/or pets, saying horrid things they would do to them if you dared to disobey or leave
threaten to find you and drag you back and hurt you if you try to leave
say outright they’re going to kill you if you ever leave, or that they’d rather have you dead than gone
Social Isolation
create insecurities in your behaviour, repeatedly imply or claim you’re too loud, obnoxious, sensitive, crazy, stupid, clueless, demanding, nagging, until you’re worried that everyone is secretly judging you and the world feels against you
take apart your appearance until you feel too insecure and lose confidence in socializing or meeting new people, constantly feeling like you need to 'fix yourself’ first
demean and condemn your personality, appearance, social standing, finances, capabilities, to the point where they decide you can’t do any better than them and you should feel lucky anyone is tolerating you at all
inflict punishments on you for socializing or hanging out with new people; break your things, throw jealous tantrums, ask why they’re not enough for you, go thru your things, rage
violate your privacy and take away things you need in order for them to control when you’re allowed to have them
smear-campaign you; spread lies about what you were like to them so everyone sides with them, and blames you and tells you what to do (exactly what the abuser wants you to do)
turn your family members and friends against you, and make sure they’ll be unnaccepting of you and refuse to help you if you try to leave
Physical
Physically assaulting you if you do something they don’t want you to do, making it clear they’re going to hurt you for any attempt at leaving them as well
Physically assault you if you try, or say you’re going to leave
Inflict injuries on you that will prevent you from working/being independent
Stalking, making it known they can always find you and seek revenge if you dare to leave
Influencing other people to stalk you and let him know where you are and what you’re doing; making you feel like you’re always being watched and always surrendered by their influence
hurt themselves physically if you make an attempt, or even say that you’re leaving
attempt suicide if you make an attempt of leaving
attempt at murder if you try to leave
Financial
create and maintain a financial situation where they are the only one having income, and they’re able to control how much money you get to spend
withhold financial knowledge from you so you’d be clueless about their finances, and managing finances in general (you can’t get an idea of how much money it takes to get thru a month)
refuse to give you your right to keep your money separately from theirs
create financial trouble that you have to solve, taking up all of your savings in the process
take your money without asking, and the amount you’d never consent to, and they give you excuses and pretend it was 'necessary’
accuse you of 'spending irresponsibly’ as an excuse to confiscate or control the money you have on your person (or in your account)
throw a fit if they find out you have any money on you that they’re not aware of/have approved of (if you borrow or win or earn money that they didn’t give you)
make sure you’re overwhelmed with tasks and problems and emotional trauma, to the point where you don’t have a chance to get out and find a job, or go and look for resources for getting out of abuse
stand against you getting more education, or starting any new activities with people around you (making sure you don’t get any social connections that could lead to a job)
get you fired from a job by spreading lies or calling in and harassing the employer about you
forcing you to spend any money they know you have saved up, so you’d have no money to plan escape
It is NOT EASY to leave, and statistically it takes several attempts to leave an abusive situation. Be aware that it’s hard because they’re sabotaging your every step, not because you’re not doing enough. Abusers often wont show their abusive side until they’re absolutely sure that you have nowhere else to live, and no other place to go. All of the things on this list are psychologically damaging, and terrifying to live thru. All of this is abuse. Nobody has the right to tell you this is your fault. Keep trying. Keep fighting.
If you’re struggling to leave an abusive situation, here’s an article on How to Leave an Abuser.
skipping the first part because parent
Desensitizing and normalizing abuse
This person has me seeing a lot of media with abuse in it, and compares it to their behaviour.
This person talks about abuse that is worse than what they're doing, to remind me how good they are in comparison.
I feel like I need to accept their views and be understanding to them or else I am a bad person
I've seen this person act awfully towards other people and I got used to the idea that it's normal and it might be me one day
I know this person thinks horrible things about other people, and I'm scared they'll think the same about me
This person thinks that not being tough and enduring abuse would make me a weakling
This person shows me that being a little rough and violent is just a joke and not a big deal
This person likes telling jokes in which they make fun of someone by humiliating or insulting them, and is convinces me it's just good fun
This person doesn't think their actions would affect someone strongly
This person doesn't seem to feel much guilt when they hurt me, even when I would be horrified to hurt someone else this bad
if someone complains about their behaviour, then that person is called oversensitive, or a killjoy
This person talks about horrible things they've been thru, even when i'm too young to perceive or understand it
This person thinks people who complain about abuse and violence are bad and weak, and just need to endure it and get over it already
This person thinks abuse victims are themselves to blame for participating
This person thinks victims of abuse secretly want it
Guilt-tripping and punishing
I feel like a bad and selfish person if I say no to them
This person explained to me that everyone else does this kind of thing too, and I am stupid if I refuse to do it
This person convinced me if I didn't accept what they do to me I would become spoiled, selfish and rotten, useless person and a burden
This person says what they do is "tough love" and it's for my own good
I feel like I'm hurting this person if I don't give them what they need (want)
I owe obedience to this person, I am afraid to fail them
I feel if I don't do or think as this person says, I immediately lose all value in their eyes
If I try to resist this person, they compare me to everyone else who hurt them and make me feel horrible about myself
If I say no to this person, I will become useless in their eyes
If I try to resist this person, they will punish me, and start to resent me
No matter how much I resist this person, it makes things worse for me
No matter how much I resist this person, they wear me down and exhaust me until I can't fight them anymore
If I say no to this person, they ask again and again until I say yes, or make me do it by force
I feel too weak to resist them and I think it's my fault
I know I should resist this person, but I feel like they're only one who love me and I can't bear to lose them
I invested so much time and love in this person, I can't bear risking them leave me if I keep resisting them now
If I resist or confront this person, they ignore me for days/weeks and I feel they hate me
I don't feel like I have a choice but to keep doing what I'm told by this person
If I don't do what I'm told, things might escalate into violence and I am too scared to risk it
I'm scared of what they'll do to me, or themselves if I resist
this person explained to me that I'm silly for trying to resist them and what they want me to do is the right thing and I should do it, even if I feel unwilling
this person insists it's not a big deal what they're doing to me and that I shouldn't overreact to it
Isolation and secrecy
I feel uncomfortable telling anyone about what's happening between me and this person in private
I'm scared if I tell anyone, they wouldn't understand, or they would get angry at me for allowing for it to happen
I feel if I told someone, I would be blamed for everything that happened
I don't have many friends or people who would care about me
I'm scared if I told someone, the person doing this to me would make sure I was blamed
I don't want to be disloyal to this person, I know telling someone would make them look bad
I feel like I must keep everything a secret
this person told me not to tell anyone
this person made threats to me if I told someone
I'm scared of what this person might do to me, or themselves, if I told someone
This person convinced me to get distance from my friends and family, and to not trust other people with anything that happens between us
Rules and terrorizing
I am not allowed to challenge this person, or doubt anything they say. Whatever they say is the truth must be accepted as such, even if I secretly think they might be wrong
I'm not allowed to make this person angry, or I might end up in more pain than I can handle
I'm not allowed to leave or abandon this person, it would make me feel so guilty it would be unbearable
I was allowed to defend myself from this person at the start but I'm forced to give in eventually
I've known this person to do awful things and they might do it to me
I'm aware of how much worse this person could do to me, they keep reminding me to be grateful their behaviour didn't escalate further and how it could
Arguing with this person escalates into insults, humiliation, threats and blackmailing
I'm scared of what this person might reveal to others about me
this person threatened to commit suicide or hurt/murder me if resist
I feel cornered and obliged to go along with this person's demands, to consider otherwise fills me with terror and guilt
I'm terrified of being abandoned by this person, even though being with them is very painful as well
I feel guilty about the things I've allowed this person to do to me, but I don't feel able stopping them from doing more in the future
33...its too much
Am I being groomed to accept abuse? Checklist
This is the checklist for recognizing if you’re groomed into accepting abuse, this checklist doesn’t cover sexual grooming, and for sexual grooming click here. Bold the points that are true for you, italicize if you’re unsure. Even if sexual grooming isn’t covered here, the same methods are used in sexual grooming as well.
Creating an illusion of bond (this step can be skipped if they’re already a part of family and expect trust by default)
This person makes me feel important and special
This person claims they feel admiration and affection for me because of my maturity and intelligence, and that’s why they’re drawn to me even though it might look inappropriate
I am surprised this person would feel anything for me (because of age-difference, they’re a teacher/adult or otherwise authority figure, or because nobody else in my life thinks I’m worthy being cared for)
This person gives me special privileges
This person tells me personal secrets, and I am surprised they trust me with them
This person acts like they already knew me when they just met me, and acts like we’re very close already, even when there wasn’t much time spent together
This person considers me a part of their life very fast and I am flattered by it
This person was very quick to declare affection and love for me
This person shares intimate details of their life with me and I feel special for it
This person makes me feel like they’re the only one who really loves me
This person said they were the only one who really loves me
This person knows things about me nobody else knows
This person makes me feel at ease to talk about my trauma, even when I don’t feel like I could tell anyone else, they don’t judge me
This person seems to think the world of me right away
This person calls me affectionate nicknames that don’t match the length or type of our relationship
This person gives me presents and gifts out of nowhere and I feel indebted and grateful
I feel indebted to this person, even if I didn’t want the gifts they gave me
This person was there for me when no-one else was and I wont abandon them no matter what
This person praises and compliments me for everything I do they want of me, but their praise stops whenever I want to go against their word
Desensitizing and normalizing abuse
This person has me seeing a lot of media with abuse in it, and compares it to their behaviour.
This person talks about abuse that is worse than what they’re doing, to remind me how good they are in comparison.
I feel like I need to accept their views and be understanding to them or else I am a bad person
I’ve seen this person act awfully towards other people and I got used to the idea that it’s normal and it might be me one day
I know this person thinks horrible things about other people, and I’m scared they’ll think the same about me
This person thinks that not being tough and enduring abuse would make me a weakling
This person shows me that being a little rough and violent is just a joke and not a big deal
This person likes telling jokes in which they make fun of someone by humiliating or insulting them, and is convinces me it’s just good fun
This person doesn’t think their actions would affect someone strongly
This person doesn’t seem to feel much guilt when they hurt me, even when I would be horrified to hurt someone else this bad
if someone complains about their behaviour, then that person is called oversensitive, or a killjoy
This person talks about horrible things they’ve been thru, even when i’m too young to perceive or understand it
This person thinks people who complain about abuse and violence are bad and weak, and just need to endure it and get over it already
This person thinks abuse victims are themselves to blame for participating
This person thinks victims of abuse secretly want it
Guilt-tripping and punishing
I feel like a bad and selfish person if I say no to them
This person explained to me that everyone else does this kind of thing too, and I am stupid if I refuse to do it
This person convinced me if I didn’t accept what they do to me I would become spoiled, selfish and rotten, useless person and a burden
This person says what they do is “tough love” and it’s for my own good
I feel like I’m hurting this person if I don’t give them what they need (want)
I owe obedience to this person, I am afraid to fail them
I feel if I don’t do or think as this person says, I immediately lose all value in their eyes
If I try to resist this person, they compare me to everyone else who hurt them and make me feel horrible about myself
If I say no to this person, I will become useless in their eyes
If I try to resist this person, they will punish me, and start to resent me
No matter how much I resist this person, it makes things worse for me
No matter how much I resist this person, they wear me down and exhaust me until I can’t fight them anymore
If I say no to this person, they ask again and again until I say yes, or make me do it by force
I feel too weak to resist them and I think it’s my fault
I know I should resist this person, but I feel like they’re only one who love me and I can’t bear to lose them
I invested so much time and love in this person, I can’t bear risking them leave me if I keep resisting them now
If I resist or confront this person, they ignore me for days/weeks and I feel they hate me
I don’t feel like I have a choice but to keep doing what I’m told by this person
If I don’t do what I’m told, things might escalate into violence and I am too scared to risk it
I’m scared of what they’ll do to me, or themselves if I resist
this person explained to me that I’m silly for trying to resist them and what they want me to do is the right thing and I should do it, even if I feel unwilling
this person insists it’s not a big deal what they’re doing to me and that I shouldn’t overreact to it
Isolation and secrecy
I feel uncomfortable telling anyone about what’s happening between me and this person in private
I’m scared if I tell anyone, they wouldn’t understand, or they would get angry at me for allowing for it to happen
I feel if I told someone, I would be blamed for everything that happened
I don’t have many friends or people who would care about me
I’m scared if I told someone, the person doing this to me would make sure I was blamed
I don’t want to be disloyal to this person, I know telling someone would make them look bad
I feel like I must keep everything a secret
this person told me not to tell anyone
this person made threats to me if I told someone
I’m scared of what this person might do to me, or themselves, if I told someone
This person convinced me to get distance from my friends and family, and to not trust other people with anything that happens between us
Rules and terrorizing
I am not allowed to challenge this person, or doubt anything they say. Whatever they say is the truth must be accepted as such, even if I secretly think they might be wrong
I’m not allowed to make this person angry, or I might end up in more pain than I can handle
I’m not allowed to leave or abandon this person, it would make me feel so guilty it would be unbearable
I was allowed to defend myself from this person at the start but I’m forced to give in eventually
I’ve known this person to do awful things and they might do it to me
I’m aware of how much worse this person could do to me, they keep reminding me to be grateful their behaviour didn’t escalate further and how it could
Arguing with this person escalates into insults, humiliation, threats and blackmailing
I’m scared of what this person might reveal to others about me
this person threatened to commit suicide or hurt/murder me if resist
I feel cornered and obliged to go along with this person’s demands, to consider otherwise fills me with terror and guilt
I’m terrified of being abandoned by this person, even though being with them is very painful as well
I feel guilty about the things I’ve allowed this person to do to me, but I don’t feel able stopping them from doing more in the future
If you bolded and italicized 4 or more of the points of any but the first category, you have underwent some form of grooming. If you bolded and italicized more than 25 of the points, you have been thru extensive and extremely malicious grooming. Anyone put thru this would find themselves helpless and cornered, it is not your fault if you’ve been subjected to this, and you did not attract it into your life.
If you bolded a lot of things in the first category, but not the others, and this relationship is still new, be careful because they might start doing the second phase of grooming at one point. (If the relationship between you and this person already lasted for years and never escalated into any abusive or coercive behaviour, you can ignore that advice).