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tbh I really dislike how aphobia tends to be discussed whenever there's some kind of incident that makes it visible to general society. The most common response seems to be some variation of "why would anyone hate asexual/aromantic people, they aren't even doing anything" and it just always sits wrong with me. It paints such a passive picture of our existence and feels like a comment influenced by the level of invisibility that aspec people have in society. Why would you be annoyed by someone who is practically invisible? Just go back to ignoring their existence, it's easy!
But despite the invisibility, aspec people are actually doing quite a lot of things that will piss off queerphobic, right-wing and religious people (and hell, even left-wing people). And the most obvious point is that we are actively not performing heterosexuality the way they want us to. People who's entire world view is "cis men and women should be in monogamous, heterosexual marriage and have (white) babies" are not going to lean back and say "oh but those asexuals and aromantics are fine". They will also hate our guts, and they will come up with all sorts of reasons, including insinuating we're all secretly into bestiality, or mentally ill, or not human, or attention seeking children. It's just plain old queerphobia, and like all queerphobia, there's no inherent logic to it which you can worm your way out of by "not doing anything".
And like, there's a lot more that aspec people do which people hate. Raising awareness about amatonormativity? People feel attacked, they hate it. Asexual people having sex? Or not having sex? People hate it! Aromantic people being in (seemingly) romantic relationships? People fucking hate it! Aromantic people having sex? Ohh people hate that!!
I guess the existence of aphobia can be confusing when you haven't spent much time thinking about asexuality and aromanticism, but in the end, these are identities that aren't heteronormative and they will be hit with the same or similar bigotry as any other queer identity. I just get tired of this response after seeing it recycled for 10 years without ever seeming to go any further.
This. They hate all of us, we're not any better to them.
There's also a bit of... I think unintentional support of other queerphobia when people say stuff about how asexuals aren't doing anything. As the post discussed, we are seen as a threat to a lot of people, but I think the intent when aspecs say this is more like "we're not hurting anybody/doing anything wrong". But the thing is... Neither are trans people or gay people or other queer identities. When people say stuff like that, it's almost agreeing like "I can see why you don't like them, but we're different".
So there are several issues. I do think a lot of it comes from people not really knowing aphobia exists or even within our community not understanding how strong it is in some groups.
tbh I really dislike how aphobia tends to be discussed whenever there's some kind of incident that makes it visible to general society. The most common response seems to be some variation of "why would anyone hate asexual/aromantic people, they aren't even doing anything" and it just always sits wrong with me. It paints such a passive picture of our existence and feels like a comment influenced by the level of invisibility that aspec people have in society. Why would you be annoyed by someone who is practically invisible? Just go back to ignoring their existence, it's easy!
But despite the invisibility, aspec people are actually doing quite a lot of things that will piss off queerphobic, right-wing and religious people (and hell, even left-wing people). And the most obvious point is that we are actively not performing heterosexuality the way they want us to. People who's entire world view is "cis men and women should be in monogamous, heterosexual marriage and have (white) babies" are not going to lean back and say "oh but those asexuals and aromantics are fine". They will also hate our guts, and they will come up with all sorts of reasons, including insinuating we're all secretly into bestiality, or mentally ill, or not human, or attention seeking children. It's just plain old queerphobia, and like all queerphobia, there's no inherent logic to it which you can worm your way out of by "not doing anything".
And like, there's a lot more that aspec people do which people hate. Raising awareness about amatonormativity? People feel attacked, they hate it. Asexual people having sex? Or not having sex? People hate it! Aromantic people being in (seemingly) romantic relationships? People fucking hate it! Aromantic people having sex? Ohh people hate that!!
I guess the existence of aphobia can be confusing when you haven't spent much time thinking about asexuality and aromanticism, but in the end, these are identities that aren't heteronormative and they will be hit with the same or similar bigotry as any other queer identity. I just get tired of this response after seeing it recycled for 10 years without ever seeming to go any further.
I found a new thing that absolutely gets on my nerves.
I was scrolling through the Alastor Aroace tag as you do and I keep seeing people say things like, 'if he's Aroace then why so fruity' or 'how can he be Aroace if he acts like this' referencing to the fact that he is eccentric and silly.
All I can think is, um, why is that important, like at all? I was already annoyed by the fact that people just say someone is gay simply because they act a certain way, that is both offensive to gay people and puts people in boxes, but now it's grown to be more than a frustration.
I mean, do people not see how freaking offensive that is? And it seems as if it's genuine sometimes and even if it's not it's not a funny joke.
What do you mean you don't think he can't be Aroace cause he kicks his feet and drops his wrist? That has nothing to do with sexual or romantic orientation! It's so... It makes me feel like him being Aroace is just a joke to them. That it's more of a silly note the author made than real representation.
Do these people not realize we can see things and that we exist? That, maybe, not every character you find fun and attractive is a gay man?
I just saw a Tiktok where it's like, 'I think he wants a man,' to that one scene of kicking his feet and it pissed me off.
Anyways, I just needed to say that.
I just found out about a subreddit called r/actualasexuals where the whole thing is being a dick to people who don't fit their narrow definition of asexuality. I just wanted to let people know so they can stay away. Of course, don't harass anyone in that sub, because it doesn't help and it's just plain wrong. Just do everything in your power to stay the hell away!
Some of the main points I see used against aromantic and asexual people are narratives that go like:
You can't know you're aromantic or asexual if you've never tried dating or having sex. (Translation: you should date someone you aren't attracted to and have sex with someone you aren't attracted to just to be sure you aren't attracted to them).
You can't be asexual or aromantic if you've dated and had sex. (Translation: the actions of dating someone and sleeping with someone can only ever be motivated by attraction, directly opposing what was demanded in the first point.)
If you date or have sex with someone despite not being attracted to them then you are manipulative and deceiving your partner. (Translation: dating/sleeping with someone without attraction as a motivation is inherently Bad and Evil)
And like, I've come across people who believe all three points at once without seeing the hypocrisy of it all.
Anyways, you don't need to try out all possibilities in order to figure out your orientation. Most people don't go around demanding that straight people sleep with and date the same gender before being allowed to call themselves straight, and yet they'll demand that of aspec people without hesitation. At the same time, there's nothing wrong with trying stuff out. While certain actions can be motivated by attraction, they don't always have to be. People have sex without being attracted to each other all the time, for all sorts of reasons. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, and it doesn't necessarily determine your sexuality either.
And I think the last opinion comes from a) people's tendency to tie attraction to a bunch of other feelings that just sum up to caring about someone, and then translate the absence of attraction into the absence of even liking a person and b) the tendency to see romantic attraction as the highest emotion one can have for someone and seeing any other feelings as inherently lesser, therefore making such a relationship "unbalanced". And with the way most people view aromanticism it's very easy for them to jump to the conclusion that the aro person is obviously being dishonest and just using their allo partner for their own evil little plans. It's all bullshit and I wish people would realize how easily these arguments fall apart when looking at them critically.
Referring to ace people as “virgins” or “turbo virgins” is especially disgusting since ace people are the second most likely orientation to get raped. Whether you want to argue that this is because of abigotry or because we’re more likely to be/be regarded as sexually unavailable is beside the point. We are at greater risk of sexual assault, and the “virgin” taunt disregards that many of us are not virgins and not by choice.
Virginity is, of course, a heteronormative bullshit concept at its core anyway. But when I think of those of us who have been assaulted, or coerced, or convinced themselves into sex out of terror, the word “virgin” seems especially poisonous.
In the few months I’ve been modding at fuckyeahasexual and touring ace Tumblr, there’s been a very. Steady. Stream of info that detail horrifically abusive situations and overall poor mental unhealth. Two a week in the inbox if I’m lucky, usually around seven-ten.
And there’s been so many, I can officially categorize all 500+ of these kinds of asks and submissions into an extensive bulletlist of Why Asexual Exclusionary Radicalism Is Incredibly Toxic And Shitty;
Coming Out To Family, Friends, And Employers
“My parents keep telling me that I’m something else, and it’s making me doubt my sense of judgement, not just about my sexual identity, but also about everything in general.”
“My family, friends, and co-workers keep referring to me as an inanimate object in a manner that’s clearly meant to humiliate and devastate me. Nothing I say will get them to stop.”
“My parents vocally/bodily forced me to undergo medical examinations, some of them concerning my sexual organs, many of them concerning blood tests and other trauma-centric procedures.”
“My family is intervening with my private life by changing my schedule to include exercise, socialization, friend influences, and whatever they think can ‘change’ me.”
“My friends/co-workers no longer respect my bodily boundaries when I came out to them, because they no longer see me as someone who should be respected. They regularly touch, fondle, grope, and prod me without permission, and/or verbally harass me, and don’t take my objections seriously.”
“My family, friends, and co-workers no longer just harass me, but also anyone I’m currently dating because they view my significant other as pathetic, underserved, or even being abused.”
First Few Days Of Dating
“My date got irrationally angry and confrontational when I came out to them, in a manner that made me fearful.” (SO many of these.)
“My date immediately lost any respect they had for my boundaries, no longer asked for consent, and {tried to} force themselves upon me.” (A lot of these, too)
“My date tried to verbally circumvent any boundaries and issues I confessed to, and it made me feel like I was in danger.”
“I didn’t come out to my date at first, and when they found out, they radically changed their behavior in an attempt to control and manipulate our new relationship to their benefit.”
Long-Term Relationships
“My partner has forcefully and radically changed our long-term relationship after finding out about my asexuality, and I’m now trapped and controlled in a way that I wasn’t before.”
“My partner broke up with me/is fighting with me because of my asexuality, and trying to make it seem like I’m hurting them. It’s made me doubt myself and my ability to trust my own intentions.”
“My partner is slowly changing from what was once supportive of my asexuality, and I’m wondering when I have the right to be worried and when I’d be overreacting. I’m aware of the worst case scenario, but I also worry that I’m being selfish and childish - which are things I’ve been told all throughout my asexual experience.”
Self-Care And Self Development
“I don’t trust my ability to say either yes or no in sexual situations, and this has extended to my life in general. I don’t feel comfortable in my ability to self-determinate.”
“The lack of authority, definition, and schooling of the concept of asexuality has made me very uncomfortable with what I think I am, and that uncertainty haunts me every waking moment.”
“I think it’s too late/too early to tell if I’m asexual, but the longer I hesitate, the worse my mental health and emotional wellbeing gets. I’m effectively stuck.”
“I see no benefit in coming out, or even identifying as asexual. There’s no positivity, role models, or supportive community for what I consider a big and scary part of my overall identity.”
“I think this was sexual abuse, but I’m wondering if I’m just being selfish and childish.”
“I think I was treated badly by my parents/friends/partner, but I’m wondering if I’m just being selfish and childish.”
“I want to believe that I’m deserving of equal freedom and human respect paid to other, not asexual people, but people tell me I’m being selfish and childish.”
“No one encourages this part of me. And that makes me feel forgotten and abandoned in general.”
Shut the fuck up about your petty beef with tumblr bloggers and youtubers and Archie comics or whatever. I literally do not care, I can’t care. I see these messages every goddamn day - this post was written and drafted a month ago, and I very easily compiled most of this bulletpoint list from scratch, just by eyeing what I see in the askbox and what comes across my dash.
‘Ace discourse’ anger is empty and so meaningless. This is what I see by being part of this one 17k follow asexual ask blog for maybe half a year. I am so Done with all the faux rage posts and all the false positivity about how it’s ok to NOT be ace and all the acephobia that falls perfectly in line with the gaslighting typical of acephobia-101 while also having the audacity to claim it not so.
This is what’s real and I want to bleed it into your goddamn eyes.
I found a new thing that absolutely gets on my nerves.
I was scrolling through the Alastor Aroace tag as you do and I keep seeing people say things like, 'if he's Aroace then why so fruity' or 'how can he be Aroace if he acts like this' referencing to the fact that he is eccentric and silly.
All I can think is, um, why is that important, like at all? I was already annoyed by the fact that people just say someone is gay simply because they act a certain way, that is both offensive to gay people and puts people in boxes, but now it's grown to be more than a frustration.
I mean, do people not see how freaking offensive that is? And it seems as if it's genuine sometimes and even if it's not it's not a funny joke.
What do you mean you don't think he can't be Aroace cause he kicks his feet and drops his wrist? That has nothing to do with sexual or romantic orientation! It's so... It makes me feel like him being Aroace is just a joke to them. That it's more of a silly note the author made than real representation.
Do these people not realize we can see things and that we exist? That, maybe, not every character you find fun and attractive is a gay man?
I just saw a Tiktok where it's like, 'I think he wants a man,' to that one scene of kicking his feet and it pissed me off.
Anyways, I just needed to say that.
Holy fuck. I’m aroace and haven’t had this experience (thank god I wasn’t online much as a teen), but that might have been because as part of a non-disordered System* most people who knew about my sexuality (or lack thereof), knew about me as distinct from my Headmate, and thus already had a socially acceptable reason to hate me.
My sister is bi and identified as lesbian for a long time, but our family and friends have been accepting, so she didn’t face much homophobia. A few years ago she said that maybe she shouldn’t be allowed at pride events, because “it’s not like she suffered for it.” Like, no???? No! I’m not accepting the idea that you have to meet a certain level of trauma to be queer. Most LGBT+ people not having queerness-related problems is kinda the goal here? And when people talk about their issues, you don’t say “your issues aren’t big enough.” Telling people they’re not hurt enough to join doesn’t keep your community safe, it just fucks people up.
*If you’re curious: we don’t know for sure why we’re Plural and if it was caused by trauma or not, and our experience doesn’t seem to fit with DID or any diagnosis we’ve heard of, but it’s pretty goddamn clear to us and almost everyone we’re close with that we’re distinct selves and Not Singlet. We have a few mental health issues, but we don’t think being a “we” is one of them.
idk can we stop…treating a.ce disc.ourse like it’s some haha funney cringe compilation or whatever the fuck because it fucking destroyed the entire ace and aro communities. there is no solid aspec community on tumblr anymore (which was by far the biggest number of aspec ppl). exclusionists took our community and fucking smashed it to pieces and y'all treat it as this fucking stupid joke when they traumatized, gaslit, and abused an entire group of queer people back into the closet. fuck every single person who doesn’t take that seriously.