Your personal Tumblr journey starts here
okay this might seem like a lil bit controversial topic but please imagine tfbw but if cartman knew what fancervice and queerbait meant. like. are you really telling me he wouldn’t use it to get more fans and attention and money? please. so i strongly believe he’d make kyle participate in this shit with him to get more profit, and when kyle found out about new romantic-ish scenes between human kite and racoon that cartman had just written into the script for human kite’s movie… kyle’d get completely furious so he went to cartman’s basement and tried to make a scene.
(also i know i can’t call super craig a side character but i believe kyle actually thinks that the main characters are the racoon and human kite. no offense to craig tho. oh and just in case: i do not support queerbaiting!!)
k: Fatass!
c: What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be at home reading your script!
k: I did read the script! And what the hell are all those scenes you’ve added? They make no sense!
c: Do not question my narrator’s talent, jew. I’m the one who’s in charge of writing, your task is to memorise it and worship me for all my hard work.
k: Really? Oh, really? “Hard work”, you say? What is this fucking moment, you fat piece of shit?
c: Which one, Kahl? Please, elaborate.
k: “The Racoon is on the verge of death, fighting for every breath, so Human Kite heroically decides to give him mouth-to-mouth. The camera switches to the reaction of other Friends, but loud sounds of CPR can be heard behind the scenes”.
c: Pretty dramatic, huh? I really outdid myself, didn’t I?
k: The whole new script is full of this shit! What’s the matter, Cartman?
c: You know, just decided to make your movie more inclusive and… spicy. Are you against it?
k: Yes! Yes, I am against it, I don’t want to participate in this! There are so many actually homosexual people and by doing this you erase them. That is wrong, unethical and also it’s freaking gay!
c: A-huh. So did I get it correctly, Kahl, that you don’t want to make our characters closer ‘cause that is in your opinion, and I quote, “gay”? What are you, homophobic?
k: Knock it off! Stop twisting my words, that is not what I said!
c: Then I see no reasons to reject my offer, Kyle.
k: It’s just so inappropriate and wrong!
c: What’s wrong about two male characters being close and emotionally attached to each other?
k: Everything! If it’s me and you – everything is wrong! Where’s the catch, Fatass? I will not believe for a single minute that you’re doing it for inclusion of minorities.
c: …Well, okay. I guess… I guess it is time for you to learn this.
k: Learn what? What are you talking about, Cartman?
c: Have you ever heard the word “queerbaiting”, Kyle?
k: Uh… no. What’s that?
c: Let me start with another question. Who do you think is the most popular character in Racoon and Friends?
k: Um-m-m… I don’t know, probably you?
c: Wrong! It’s not me, Kahl. And wipe that smirk off your face, ‘cause it’s not you either.
k: Then who?
c: Super Craig.
k: What? This can’t be… You’re the main character, he can’t be more popular than you or me! It makes no sense!
c: That’s what I thought! When I first saw the character popularity rank I started thinking… Where was my mistake? How is it possible for a side character like Super Craig to be more popular than me and you? Is it his character design? His backstory? His role in the plot? I was seeking for answers for hours until I finally realised…
k: Realised what? Come on, stop wasting my time!
c: Patience, Kyle, patience. It’s the most important trait for a superhero. So, let me continue. The main reason of popularity when it comes to Netflix… The reason why everyone loves Super Craig so much… The gayness, Kyle.
k: …Huh?
c: That’s right, you heard it correctly. The gayness. Homosexual orientation immediately makes a male character more attractive to fans.
k: …That’s stupid.
c: No, Kahl! There can be no mistake! I looked through the popularity rate of Freedom Pals and guess who the most favorite is there?
k: No way…
c: Yes way, Kahl! It’s fucking Wonder Tweek! The one with the most lousy backstory I’ve ever seen! The fans are completely in love with his cute little dramatic breakup with his boyfriend. Can you imagine it?!
k: Wow… That’s…
c: I understand how shocked you are now, but that’s not the end. Then I’ve heard the term “queerbaiting” and that is so goddamn genius, man, you’ll just love it! It’s when two dudes, who are not directly said to be homosexuals, show some gay hints here and there.
k: So?..
c: Don’t you get it, Kyle? It’s just hints! You don’t have to *actually* be gay, the fans will just fill the blanks themselves! It saves a lot of troubles with homophobes and laws in foreign countries, but you can still make money on gay jokes! That’s sweet, dude!
k: Wait, and do you expect people to actually buy it?
c: …Who are the most popular rivals in DC?
k: Batman and Joker?
c: Who are the most popular characters themselves?
k: …Batman and Joker. Dude… what the fuck?…
c: See? Told you!
k: So you want us to be gay so we become the most liked ones?
c: Yes, if you put it simple.
k: That’s… kind of messed up.
c: Oh my god, we won’t be *really* gay. Just… hints or something.
k: O-okay… Just to be clear: there won’t be any weird moments we have to actually take part in, will there?
c: What do you mean?
k: Like… um… I don’t know, some too-gay shit like holding hands or really kissing?
c: I will hope so. Believe me, Kahl, I like it no more than you do.
k: Well… Are you sure they’ll all like it?
c: Totally!
k: Oh, god, I feel like there is some kind of a trap, but…
c: Think about money, Kyle. The large, unthinkable pile of money and fame for just small scenes with some remotely gay-ish dialogues. That thought must calm your little jewish soul.
k: …Just so you know, I still fucking hate you. And I’m doing it only because I don’t think it’s right for a side character to be more popular than the main ones.
c: Whatever makes you sleep at night, Kyle. Whatever makes you sleep at night…