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Bsd Atsushi - Blog Posts
Grief
I wrote this in like an hour and based it on my own struggles with grief. Especially grieving those who’ve hurt you. I didn’t edit this at all, if you see glaring issues feel free to lmk so i can fix them. Hope you enjoy ig
“I’m supposed to hate you
I SHOULD HATE YOU
After everything, i should despise you.”
So why is Atsushi crying at the Headmasters grave? Why is he mourning the first father like figure he can remember? Why is he mourning the person who hurt him the most? The person who practically begged him to hate him all those horrible years ago. Dazai said this was normal but it cannot be. He cannot be mourning the person who made him into the monster he is. It goes against everything in him to feel this pain yet he’s sitting there, tearing up and angry. He can feel Byakko pacing, protective and angry, she’s angry about something. She’s trying to protect him but this is one of the wounds she cannot heal. He remembers those few good moments from his childhood. On his fourth birthday, he’d gotten a gift. It was half of an orange, not as much as the other kids would get on their birthdays, but the orange was sweet and juicy.
One year at Christmas, he’d gotten to participate in the caroling with the other kids. The songs were beautiful and there was a warm feeling he got when singing with everyone.
There was one day, after a rough transformation he realized now, where he’d gotten less chores than normal, not by many but enough to not truly exhaust him. He could remember getting an extra dose of nutrients as well, not that he realized it at the time.
Things were not always cruel, they weren’t always painful. Maybe that’s why he was grieving. Maybe it was because he knew about the potential for kindness and that’s what he was mourning. Maybe it was only those shreds of kindness.
He couldn’t possibly be grieving the man who abused him. He couldn’t because that would be wrong.
People tend to cry when their father dies.
The headmaster wasn’t a father to him. No matter what anyone would say or what his heart was screaming. He would refuse it.
Atsushi stared at the gravestone. It was still fairly new yet it was crumbling. It wasn’t being taken care of. Atsushi felt his eyes well up with tears…something he hated. Why did he still want to care for the man who’d hurt him so badly?
The tears of sadness turned to ones of anger and Atsushi went to punch the gravestone. Engraved with the name, dates of life to death, and “In loving memory”, Atsushi wanted to smash it. How could anyone dare love that horrendous monster of a man? Instead of a hard punch, his strength left him at that last second, leaving him bumping the crumbling stone. It was worn, rough, and cold. It hadn’t soaked up any of the Sun’s light and heat.
Atsushi stood up and left. He wiped at his eyes and struggled with the conflict in his heart. Maybe he’d be back, maybe not. But right now, Atsushi just wanted the comfort of the known and familiar. He’d take another murder or kidnapping attempt over any of this.
someone tell aku to stop being gay for five seconds and be so fucking fr because what
This is my favorite shin soukoku art ever. Credit to miuronx on Instagram!
i ovoe atushi so much
Older Atsushi! >:3 Design by braincellz.gone on instagram. Think of the possibilities my friends
me and who
kinda romantic to be brutally stabbed through the heart with your rival idk
Atsushi: You see how I come to work? Very tired. Very sleepy. I don’t come to work with a pep in my step. I clock in and go to the bathroom for 10 minutes.
Atsushi: I don’t come to work with coffee in hand. I wait till I get to work and get my coffee for free, where they offer it. Very cheap. Very tired.
me and who
More beast memes cause i miss them 💔
(Also you cant tell me this isn’t something they would do)
on days that are really rough i think about Atsushi and Nikki going on a tea party date (Nikki pays) and i start tearing up because i cannot consume media normally
I didn't think it would be today.
Hold on akutagawa said he'd fight atsushi in 6 months time in (i think) s3.
What if that means for the current tl and how things are going in the plot, atsushi is gonna fight vampire akutagawa?
Cuz i imagine atsushi is gonna keep that 6 months promise.
That's gonna be hella emotional damage.
Atsushi: Akutagawa! I got you some chocolates! I thought you would like them.
Akutagawa: I don’t want chocolates from you! *throws them in the river*
Atsushi: I could have had them!
Akutagawa: *looking at the chocolates then back at him*
Atsushi: You did want those, didn’t you?
Akutagawa: *nods*
Atsushi: Got any resolutions Akutagawa?
Akutagawa: Yes, two. Finally kill you and get Dazai to notice me.
Atsushi: ….Mine was to be able to pay rent on time and eat more chazuke…
Dazai: Sit on his lap and feel him get hard.
Atsushi: You leave those mall Santa’s alone!
Mom: are they lovers?
Me: that would be easier to explain
I feel very conflicted with my opinions on Dazai. He is not my favourite character, he never was. But I feel a weird sympathy for him at times when he is seen as a total villan?
He is not evil. I don't know how people mischaracterize Dazai as evil.
With the recent chapter 122, there are a lot of people who hate Dazai and want him to die for what he did to Akutagawa. For a second, I felt like that too. I can't see children being abused, not that anyone wants to see it, but I feel very emotional whenever I see hurt children. My first instinct was to hate Dazai too.
But Dazai isn't a responsible adult. Dazai himself was a 16 year old, trying to find meaning in life, guiding a 14 year old into the dark side. This isn't an older, experienced, manipulative man who knows what he is doing but a teenager who thinks he knows everything. Dazai himself ran away from home and was suicidal already at the age of 14, just the same lonely child as Akutagawa. But he found "meaning" in the Port Mafia, or at least trying to. When he gave his word to Akutagawa that he'll "certainly" find meaning in life, I don't think it's manipulation, Dazai himself believes in it. An adult putting you in a dangerous climate is very different than when your cousin tells you to smoke because "it's cool, dude"
I am NOT defending Dazai's abuse of Akutagawa, as I said before, I am not some Dazai superfan (which, Dazai being portrayed as completely innocent also irks me!). I want there to be balance in the conversation surrounding it.
Dazai AND Akutagawa were children, they were both trying to find reasons to live. They grew up in the Port Mafia. We have seen how cruel and unhinged Dazai can be during his time in the PM. We have seen Akutagawa, and his constant internal battle with good and evil. These two are not some heartless creatures, both of them are changing for the better. Dazai found proper guidance in Oda, and taking his words, he became a better mentor to Atsushi. Akutagawa was left in the PM alone, so he grew stone cold and ruthless until he saw the light again, because of Atsushi (in recent chapters his eyes are literally lighter)
Does Dazai feel bad for what he did to Akutagawa? No, at least not now or we don't know what he is feeling, I don't trust anything that comes out of his mouth. But he doesn't HAVE to feel bad. That's what morally grey characters are. If Dazai immediately repented for what he did, it won't be realistic or true to his personality. Yes, he is in the ADA, but he is NOT some great person just because he chose to leave PM, even he himself knows that! That's why he felt so shocked when Atsushi called him a good person. Dazai knows he is not a good person and that's why he doesn't repent for what he did to Akutagawa. We don't accept our mistakes easily, not when we thought of them as means to an end. Dazai truly believed what he did to Akutagawa was a pro and not a con. If he will change that perspective now, is more about his own character arc.
Akutagawa was just a kid, influenced by Dazai. He wanted to impress him, like we do to our parents. Like we fight tooth and nails to defend our parents mistakes and sometimes even abuse. He isn't ready to accept what Dazai did to him was wrong. But when he saw how Dazai treats Atsushi, I am pretty sure he felt like dying. Because imagine your parent treating their step children better than you, that's how I see Aku's jealousy to be like. Dazai was his mentor first, why is he praising and coddling this random guy who just came into his life? But Akutagawa doesn't hate Atsushi in particular, he hates the treatment he gets from Dazai. I think considering what's happening in recent chapters, just like how Atsushi overcame his conflicting feelings towards the headmaster, Akutagawa will do the same with Dazai.
Akutagawa carried the cycle of abuse, doing the same thing Dazai did to him to Kyouka, another 14 year old (she trained since she was even younger). But unlike Dazai, when Kyouka is finally free from PM, Akutagawa doesn't want her to come back to him, he stops abusing her, Dazai still is awful and manipulative with Akutagawa at times. He feels happy for Kyouka, because HE wanted someone to rescue him too. Of all the abused children, Akutagawa was the one who never got rescued. Akutagawa was abusive to Kyouka, it can't be erased because of his own tragic past, he also hit Higuchi and seem to answer everything with violence. This is why the cycle of abuse is so painful, Akutagawa was taught to be this way and he CHOSE to stay this way, until he made the bet to stop killing people with Atsushi. I don't think Akutagawa will ever go back to his own ways after this arc is over. You can't undo your past, you have to move on, keep walking, keep living and trying to do better next time.
I want Dazai to get some good old karma! I want him to face the consequences for what he did to Akutagawa. I want Atsushi to have conflicting feelings towards Dazai but I don't want him to hate Dazai. Atsushi understands people on a deeper level, he's going to try and change people no matter of their pasts. Akutagawa and Dazai aren't going to be on good terms ever, that can't happen. I want Dazai to stop treating Akutagawa like shit and I want Akutagawa to stop wanting validation from Dazai.
Now the final verdit from me, is Dazai evil? No. Is Dazai a good person? No. Can Dazai change? Yes. Did Atsushi have a huge impact on both Dazai and Akutagawa? Yes. Is Akutagawa already changing? Yes. Can Dazai be vile? Yes. Can Dazai be soft? Yes. Does Dazai deserve to die? No.
Morally grey characters cannot be good or evil. They are grey. Let them be grey. We shouldn't erase their bad sides and we can't act like they didn't do good. BOTH Dazai and Akutagawa are morally grey characters. They are just different types of grey. Akutagawa is speed running to the light and Dazai is stuck in the middle of the grey. People have the ability to change for the better or worse, no matter who they are.
Now let's be clear: Dazai and Akutagawa are not the same. Dazai is a much worse person than Akutagawa, what he did was not excusable considering he doesn't feel bad for what he did. That is why he cannot be a good person. Dazai isn't a victim of abuse like Akutagawa either, although I do believe he had enough problems already to screw his brain before he moved to PM, living in PM isn't exactly an environment to raise someone right, who is constantly called "the demon prodigy". He IS the demon prodigy.
No matter what Dazai did in the PM, I can't hold a child to the upmost standards. There's a reason why Juveniles have a seperate court. Juveniles shouldn't get death penalty. Dazai committed heinous crimes as a child. But he is NOT the only child who did this. Everyone in PM has committed several crimes. It's a fictional story after all. Because of that I can't HATE Dazai. I believe all children deserve to be saved, to be given a second chance. Dazai went to the ADA and started to use his dark sides for the good. I can't call him evil for his past, when he was a suicidal kid, mentally ill, having a god knows what tragic backstory. Yes Dazai was smarter than an average teenager, but if you have read "The Day I picked up Dazai", you know despite all that; he was just a kid.
A kid abusing another kid cannot be any less tragic. There is not one childhood loss. It's TWO childhoods lost.
(ps: I was scared to post this lol 😭😭😭😭)
My new headcanon is that neither Atsushi nor Akutagawa know how babies are made.
Yosano: and they were totally doing it!
Atsushi: doing what?
Yosano: the deed!
Akutagawa: murder?
Ranpo: they don't know
Yosano: you two want some sex ed classes?
Atsushi: excuse me? That sounds like a bad word!
Akutagawa: I am not coming to whatever that is, we are not children
Dazai, with shining eyes: you see when two people really loovvee---
Yosano and Ranpo: *restraining Dazai*
*spoilers for Chapter 122 BSD manga*
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Sskk are making me go crazzzzyyy ahhhh
Aku watching Atsushi "die" ahhhhhh. His "were-tiger" nickname feels way too gentle rt now
"why did you protect me?" Because you protected him, you fool. Let him protect you!!!! Akutagawa you deserve to be protected too 😭😭😭😭😭
I always felt like Dazai and Akutagawa are very similar. Both of them are constantly looking for reasons to live. It's so sad that this was the reason Aku joined the PM, just like Dazai did. To find a reason to live for.
Dazai just left without an explanation, leaving Akutagawa behind.
Aku's jealousy of Dazai getting a "new better boy" hits the heart. Seeing how Dazai's approval was his will to live.
The mirroring of both Aku and Atsushi having thoughts about Dazai at the same time!!!! And on one hand Aku is seeing the Dazai in the past and Atsushi is seeing him in the present. PM Dazai and ADA Dazai are both one in the same but they are very different in what type of mentors they are.
Atsushi knows now this wasn't Dazai, he has been hearing him in his head for a long time, and all this time it wasn't him???? 😭😭😭😭
"And then...and then" how about I cry???? 😭😭😭😭
Atsushi CHANGED Akutagawa's perspective on life. I love everything about this. I love the way Atsushi changes people's ideas about the world. He has done that to Dazai, Kyouka, Lucy and now Akutagawa.
We now know that when Atsushi and him fought together, ("let's do this together") Aku felt something. Maybe a want for support.
If they are not besties after all this ends, bickering with each other and working together then I don't know why this all happened. I want a sskk trying to be friends arc so bad rn 😭😭😭😭😭. Atsushi SAW Akutagawa's past, he knows his trauma, Aku already knew his. This is a perfect starting point for them to understand eachother.
Everytime I see them together, it drives me crazy at how layered their relationship is.
I want them to drink tea together. I want Aku to stop caring about Dazai's approval. I want Atsushi to believe in himself. I want them to be happy.
The new chapter turned me into a whole sskk shipper. I used to just like them. But now I am a whole airconditioner. I am so easy to please.
Atsushi's diary:
"Dazai-san was telling me I can grow shrimp out of shrimp's tail by planting them. What kind of FOOL he thinks I am, what kind of idiot will believe that at this age? Kunikida-san told me I did nice work today, it made me feel so good that I almost cried. I think I have abandonment issues. Last night, I went to Junichiro-kun's house to return him a bag he lent me, and I heard some weird noises from his house. Note to self- do not go to Tanizaki household alone. Kyouka-chan gets cold really easily, I want to buy her a big fluffy blanket but my savings are running low. Kenji-kun told me he'll give me farm fresh vegetables every two days, that'll save some money, but I do not want to bother him with my problems. Something weird happened today, Yosano-san pulled me aside during lunch, she told me that she is worried about my health. She's always worried about people's health, she is so kind. "You should rely on people more, Atsushi. We all are here for you. It is not good for your well being if you worry about every single thing all by yourself". Yosano-san is a doctor, she knows what she is talking about. But she doesn't know me. Truly. I know myself. I have always been a burden on people. I want to take care of myself now, and of Kyouka-chan. There are so many nice people in the world, I can never be compared to them, I just do whatever I can.
Tomorrow I am going on a mission with Ranpo-san. This is the only time I am not scared. Ranpo-san is childish but he is so reliable"
(ps: this doesn't follow any timeline, only for fanfiction-ey funsies)
Sskk is one of the most emotional rivalries/ships I have ever seen. It is a relationship that actually hits the heart. Skk is iconic. Kyoukenji is cute. Fyolai is poetic. HiguGin is heartwarming. But sskk?
Sskk is deeper than all these dynamics. The more you get into it the more parallels you see, the more symbolism you see. The things they say to each other both stings at times and also makes you cry.
Akutagawa is both at his best and worst whenever he is around Atsushi. And the more the story goes on the less bitter he becomes.
Atsushi despises Akutagawa but he still works with him, because working with Akutagawa makes him more secure, feel as if someone's got his back.
"Don't worry, go you fool"
"That's why Dazai-san left you"
"Just the two of us?"
"Do we need more?"
Akutagawa and Atsushi support and help each other. They work as a team. Putting their differences apart
Because they are quite similar, looking for one thing; reassurance and praise
They have had difficult childhoods with no parental guidance and they grew up to be very different in terms of personality because of their unique circumstances.
All of these emotions. All of this pain in them. That keeps them separate but it also brings them together. Because that's the thing that they both understand. What's it like to have nothing. And they fight because they just want to be a part of something.
And maybe in one universe where Dazai never brought them together, they might be the best of friends like they were always supposed to.
It doesn't matter how their relationship is, soulmates will always find each other.
After all the only person Akutagawa has smiled at besides his sister-------is Atsushi
*Valentine's day in Ada*
Dazai: Fufu...no one is giving me chocolate here, how rude. Is my popularity dying?
Kunikida: can you focus on your work then?
Atsushi: what's Valentine's day
Yosano: you give chocolates and other gifts to the person you love
*later*
Atsushi, giving Dazai chocolates: here, for you!
Dazai:....w-h-a-t
Atsushi: Yosano-san said I should give chocolates to the person who I love. But there are so many! So Kyouka-chan and I made chocolates for everyone. Here Kunikida-san!
Kyouka: the glasses one is for you
Kunikida:thanks... I'll keep it
Atsushi: we made a whole bag for Ranpo-san
Ranpo, eyes shining: I love valentine's day
Yosano: these are so cute guys!! Aww
Dazai: excuse me, there's something in my eyes
*Dazai rushes out*
Yosano: did he go to cry?
Naomi: Dazai-san is crying???
Junichiro: now we have seen everything
************************************
Dazai: (spontaneously combusts due to rare emotions)
"if they are enemies, let them stay enemies. They are enemies in the canon 😡"
Me: No they are lovers, hope that helps ❤️❤️
Junichiro: what's the worst crime you have committed, Dazai-san?
Dazai: being too pretty and stealing hearts 🥰🥰🥰
Kunikida: *ew ugh*
Dazai: honestly, probably manslaugter
Atsushi: wdym by probably? 😨😨😨
Just the idea of Atsushi going out of his way to decorate his house for the new years using all the money he has to make Kyouka happy comes into my head----
I do think ever since Kyouka moved in with Atsushi he has changed his lifestyle. He bought new furniture, he makes good food at home and keeps the house warm. Cuz Atsushi is never letting his little sister have anything less than what she deserves.
Kunikida: Atsushi came to get his salary in advance again. Do you want me to check on him?
Fukuzawa: no, don't. It's fine
Kunikida: I hope he's not wasting his money like Dazai does....
Fukuzawa: he doesn't. I know it.
*meanwhile*
Kyouka: you didn't have to buy the bunny plushie, I didn't need it!
Atsushi: of course I had to. It's your Christmas gift.
Kyouka: I don't need gifts. I already have everything
Atsushi: no you don't. I want you to have all the things a little girl should have
Kyouka: I already have you, I didn't need anything else.
Atsushi: *starts crying*
Kyouka: *pat pat* I made some cake big bro, let's eat.