Devourer Of Souls - Blog Posts

People on my facebook keep posting things about goats. Not sure what started that whole thing, but it did remind me just how awesome and badass goats are. They do whatever the fuck they feel like doing. Mostly, that's just finding the tallest object around and fucking standing on it. Do they need a reason? No. They give no fucks. They're goats. They watch you from their high places and use their voodoo laser eyes to peer into your soul so they can decide whether or not they want to eat it because they'll eat anything. Why? No one knows. They're goats. They don't give a fuck about property because they believe in their ability to chew on anything, and tasty souls are their number one. Who knows how Satan became associated with a goat, but I bet it had something to do with a farmer pissed off at how his goat would stand on top of his shit all day, then eat it after getting bored. Satan's probably afraid of goats because they'd just stand on his head, then chew on it because they're no-fucks-giving goats. Satan associated goats with himself, then spread the idea around the mortal population to prove the point goats are not to be fucked with. If fucking Galactus showed up to Earth, we wouldn't need Avengers or Guardians of the Galaxy, we'd need goddamn goats. He can't eat a planet if the goats eat him, first, and you bet your ass they would. They won't just stand on anything or eat anything, either. They've also developed an ability to head butt shit with enough force to cause small amounts of nuclear fusion. If they can't stand on something because it keeps moving, they'll deliver a head butt to the brief annoyance that reaches its resonant frequency and shatters it into oblivion. Then, the goat will either stand on the remains or devour them. Or both. A goat doesn't care. So, next time you happen across a farm or mountainside and feel you're being watched, remember that somewhere is a goat, not even a hungry goat, that's determining if your soul is tasty enough to be worth coming down from wherever it's standing. A goat won't care. It's a goat. If you don't have a soul, it's a perfect pet.