Do Not Own - Blog Posts

Out of Time // Part 1

Summary: It took you three separate instances to realise that maybe you just didn’t fit into the team of the BAU. Maybe you should be honest to yourself and just request another transfer. You loved the team, but you were unhappy, feeling left out and unneeded. Feeling like you did not belong.

Pairing: BAU!Team x Reader (platonic)

Warnings: feeling left out, feeling unneeded, being excluded, self worth issues

Part 2 / Part 3

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It took you three separate instances to realise that maybe you just didn’t fit into the team of the BAU. Maybe your hope of finding your place within their dynamics had been for naught. Maybe you should be honest to yourself and just request another transfer. You loved the team, they were all wonderfully unique and brilliant people. You looked up to every single one of them and learned a lot from them as well. But you were unhappy, feeling left out and unneeded. Feeling like you did not belong.

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One

It had been a hard case that the team had worked on solving for the past few days. It had been gruesome and they had all felt pretty useless in the first few days since they’d not found a single lead. It had been Spencer’s brilliant thinking that had saved the day earlier this morning, as well as several lives.

The rest of the day had been spent wrapping everything up at the local PD. Since they’d gotten the message that the flight back would only start the following morning, the mood had been pretty relaxed and the spirits had been high. Once back at the Hotel, you decided on taking a hot shower and changed into something comfortable before settling in for a relaxed evening. It had been a stressful week and you were glad for the chance to unwind before getting back to work tomorrow. Lying down in the surprisingly comfortable bed, you switched on the TV and zapped through the channels until you had found something you could stand watching. It took you only two hours to grow bored though, and you decided to take a nightly walk to clear your mind some more before going to bed.

Throwing on a jacket, you made your way out of the hotel and moved to stroll through some of the more livelier streets in the area. You passed bars and restaurants, the odd laundromat and corner store until you passed by a small Chinese restaurant. You would have just walked past it, like you had done with all the other restaurants, if you hadn’t heard a very familiar laugh and excited voices the moment the door opened and a couple stepped out. You peered through the large window into the brightly lit interior just to freeze at the view. Inside was sitting your entire team around a big, round table that was loaded with food and wine. They were all smiling and laughing, even Hotch. Spencer was trying to figure out how to use his chopsticks, while Rossi seemed to be commenting on it until JJ took pity on him and helped out with the good old hair tie trick.

Watching them, you couldn’t help but smile at the scene. They seemed content and happy, relaxed. Looking in from the outside, they looked like a slightly odd family. And you clearly weren’t part of it. Your smile dropped and you felt your shoulders hunch in defeat. They’d clearly planned this outing, but no one had invited you. You were fairly new to the team, had only been with them for four month. You had tried really hard to fit in, to befriend them, to find your place within their dynamic. It wasn’t easy. They’d worked together for so many years that they functioned as one. Everyone who joined them would have to struggle to find a place. And it wasn’t that they were rude or didn’t take you seriously. They were friendly and had greeted you openly, assuring you they were looking forward to working with you. It was just that they worked together so well, they sometimes seemed to forget you were there too.

Sighing to yourself, you brushed away the tears that had gathered in the corners of you eyes. You’d wanted to be part of the dynamic so badly, part of this weirdly imperfect perfect chosen family that worked together. You’d wanted to feel like you’d belong. Instead you felt more lonely than ever. Slowly stepping away from the window you sullenly made your way back to the Hotel. The next morning you greeted your colleagues with a smile, resolving to not let them notice that you’d stumbled upon their little get together last night. After all, maybe they just needed some more time to warm up to you. Maybe you just needed some more time to find your place.

And if anyone of them noticed that you were quieter than usual and your gaze held a sadness that wasn’t usually there, none of them said anything about it.

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Two

It had been a rather slow week at the BAU. Not that it wasn’t welcome. It gave everyone the chance to catch up on their paperwork. Well, except for Reid who seemed to be ahead of them as always. It was rather monotonous and lead to more frequent coffee breaks and more chit chat within the bullpen.

Today you’d decided to make a little detour on your way to work and get their favourite drinks and bagels for everyone as a surprise. Stepping into the bullpen, you were surprised that everyone was being rather quiet. Emily was wearing shades inside and her hair seemed unbrushed. Morgan was sitting at his desk, head tipped back against his chair and eyes closed. Spencer was starring at the same side of his report without flipping the page. Taking a look at the offices upstairs you saw that Hotch was on the phone and looked like his usual stoic self. Rossi however had his lights dimmed considerably and seemed to be staring at the wall.

Placing your goods onto your desk, you grabbed the first few things and delivered them to their respective recipients. Hotch, still on the phone, gifted you with one of his rare smiles and nodded in thanks. Rossi playfully kissed your hand and dramatically declared you the hero of his day, making you giggle at his ridiculous display. JJ wasn’t in yet, so you placed her things on her desk for her to find. Derek gave you a salute as soon as he saw his coffee, forgoing words for chucking half the drink at once. Emily made grabby hands as soon as you moved towards her, smiling brilliantly at you as soon as she had food and caffeine in her hands. Spencer blinked at you in surprise, but smiled gently and muttered a quick thank you.

“Why do they all look like death warmed over?” you chuckle slightly, as you stepped into Garcia’s office to bring her her drink and a bagel.

“Oh, you’re the best Y/N, thanks! They’re all hungover. Had way too much to drink last night at the Club, well except for Bossman and Boy-Wonder of course. But Reid is an absolute lightweight, gets drunk on one cocktail. And Emily made him drink two. It was hilarious. Too bad you couldn’t make it!” Garcia seemed to be her usually peachy self, but she was wearing shades inside as well.

“Yeah, too bad. Sounds like a lot of fun”, you mutter, already on your way back to your desk. You hadn’t known anything about a Club night. Seems like you hadn’t been invited again. This time it hurt just a little more, knowing that none of them had thought to invite you while they must have known that you’d find out the next day when they were hungover. You felt like they were shoving in your face the fact that you didn’t belong. That they’d tolerate you at work, but you had no places in the team and in their lives beyond that. You felt like a fool for buying the drinks and the food. God, you must seem so desperate for their approval. At least Garcia seemed like she wouldn’t have minded having you there.

Feeling your eyes sting, you made a quick detour to the bathroom. You took a few minutes to breathe deeply and splash some water onto your face to hide the slight blotchiness from your tears. Taking another deep breath you moved back to your desk and tried to enjoy your coffee.

Trying to keep your emotions in check, you stayed silent most of the day. You didn’t join the coffee breaks or the chit chat, feeling like you weren’t really wanted there either way. You stayed silent when Derek weaseled some of his own paperwork into your pile to get off work earlier and when the other’s slowly finished their work for the day.

On your way back from the little kitchenette with yet another coffee, you noticed that you and Hotch were the only ones left. It was Friday evening and the team was off the rota for the weekend. A rare occurrence. You were sure that Hotch was wanting to go home to his son, but if the man was anything it was responsible. He was sure to finish the paperwork before he’d go.

Sighing to yourself for the umpteenth time that day, you made your way up the stairs and gently knocked on the door. Hotch called you in immediately.

“Y/L/N, I thought you’d gone home already like everyone else.”

“Nah, didn’t have any plans for today and I wanted to get ahead of the paperwork.” Hotch nodded in understanding, glancing at his own pile. You followed his gaze and shook your head slightly.

“Are those reports that you have to fill in specifically or can either of us do those as well?” Hotch frowned slightly but confirmed that anyone of the team could work on them. You nodded gently and grabbed about half the pile. Hotch of course instantly protested and assured you that he had no problem filling them out on his own.

“I know. But I don’t have any plans and I’m sure Jack will be happy if you get home an hour or two earlier. And you as well”, you said softly while moving back out of his office and to your desk to not give him the chance to protest or argue any more.

An hour later you noticed Hotch getting ready to leave. On his way out he stopped at your desk, thanking you again for helping him out and reminding you not to stay too long. You just nodded and smiled, whishing him a nice weekend with Jack. As soon as he’d left, your shoulders slumped again. Well, even if they didn’t want you to be a part of their lives, you could at least make sure that you had some use for them. And if making sure that they get to leave work a bit earlier and spend time with their loved ones was it, then you wouldn’t complain. And if you grew even more quiet and distant towards the team, they never brought it up.

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Three

It had been a coincidence that you’d even seen the picture. You’d gone to Garcia, wanting to get the information the team required for the case. The filter had still been running and you’d decided to stay the few minutes it would need to finish. She’d excitedly told you about a new dress she was planning on buying and grabbed her phone to show you.

The lockscreen was a picture of the entire team. Well, more like the entire team except for you. You’d disregarded it and would have assumed that it was an old one, if Spencer didn’t already sport his new haircut he had only gotten last week and if there hadn’t been a small scratch on Hotch’s temple, one that was currently still healing. The picture showed them all grinning at the camera, glasses of wine in hand and seemingly cracking up over something.

Well, there was no need to lie to yourself anymore. You weren’t really part of the team. They didn’t need you, they’d worked well before you’d joined and they still would once you’d left. And they didn’t seem to want you either. For one year you’d tried to find your footing, your own place within the team. You’d given it time. You’d known they were like family and would need time to adjust to someone new as well. They hadn’t though.

It wasn’t like they didn’t take you seriously or disregarded your ideas. Not at all, they always took into account what you thought and listened to what you had to say. Somehow though it didn’t feel like enough. You had wanted to be a part of this brilliant team for a long time now, and in a way you were. But not completely. You liked the work, liked helping people and catching the bad guys. You adored every single person on the team in their own way.

Hotch the stoic leader, who always seemed to be stern and so serious, but smiled at Reid’s antics and first bumped him when he looks sad because Derek didn’t. Who always made sure that his teams was alright, reassuring Garcia that she was exactly what the team needed and made small jokes to make her laugh and encouraged Derek to take on more leading responsibilities. Standing up to anyone who dared to threaten or criticise his team, being the first to puts his job on the line and repeatedly disregarded career prospects to stay with them. The person, who centred the team, who always listened and understood, identifying the input each of them had to offer, and formed it into a plan.

Rossi, who was the teams father figure, always listening to everyone and always having a fitting piece of advice to give. Who didn’t care about his fame and just wanted to help people, not hesitating to use his own resources. Who swore in Italian and could charm anyone if wanted, but deliberately choose not to. Who likes expensive things but never missed a chance to share them and who always had a snarky comment for any situation, bringing his famous spaghetti for lunch on a regular basis.

Derek with his nicknames and his flirting and his stupidly big heart, who just wanted to do right and was stupidly self-sacrificing. The man who started prank wars and tried to get out of doing paperwork and liked to challenge authority, but would never leave anyone hanging. Who demolished and remodelled houses and was the first to offer help in any situation, but not afraid to call anyone out on their bullshit.

Emily with her dark sense of humour and though exterior, who would do anything to protect the team and subtly checked in on everyone to see if they were alright. Who could kick anyone’s ass and didn’t hesitate to do so if she felt it warranted. Who felt so much more than she showed. The Emily that could beat Spencer at cards while being nearly as geeky as him. Who could face the most gruesome of cases without flinching and kept most of her life private.

Spencer with his brilliant mind and his awkward nature, who rambled on and on about any topic and tried to cheer people up with magic tricks. Who listened to people and tried his best to give advice and who was way braver and way stronger than he looked. Who always looked out for his colleagues and friends and tried to help anytime he could, even if he didn’t have a solution yet.

JJ the mother of the group, who was soft and gentle and always had an open ear and an open door, but could be fierce and hard if need be. Who tried to do right by everyone and nearly always succeeded in lightning the mood and making people smile. Who made tough decisions without blinking and stood up for them.

Garcia the colourful whirlwind of cheerfulness and happiness, who was a stark contrast to everything they saw in their job everyday. Garcia, who always had a witty comeback and saved their asses on a regular basis, never quite getting the recognition she deserved. The light in their dark and the glue that held the team together.

But it wasn’t enough. You had played with the thought for weeks now. And you had come to the conclusion that you felt like you didn’t fit within the team. You had no special talent or knowledge, no more than the other members of the team at least. You felt tolerated at work, included even. But seeing them functioning together so well, seeing the unshadowed joy and affections every time they interacted with each other, feeling left out in everything that didn’t directly pertain to a case – you couldn’t do it anymore. For over a year you’d tried your best, given your all just to not be enough, just to still not having a set place within the team. You would miss them terribly, even though you weren’t sure that they’d feel the same. But you refused to be miserable.

So, taking a deep breath and knocking on Hotch’s door once the case was over, you squared your shoulders, stepping in as soon as he answered and moved towards his desk while he asked what he could do for you.

“I want to request a transfer.”

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Please keep in mind that I'm not a native speaker. Feel free to point out any mistakes.