Your personal Tumblr journey starts here
You will most likely face challenges in life. If not, touché, but for most of us, there will be feats we attempt to undertake, and fail at. Or things that happen which we really didn't want to happen. Or things that don't happen when you really want them to. It is reasonable to assume this is an inevitable fact for all humans.
Because of this, one of the best skills to learn in life is getting back up when life kicks you down.
And it doesn't have to be a major thing. It can be, but major events have the aspect of "wow, this was a major thing, I really need to make a dedicated attempt at moving on" which smaller, more common misfortunes sneakily sidestep. But no matter if a loved one died, or your partner dumped you, or you relapsed, or if you didn't get into your dream academy, you must get back up sooner and later. And most of the time, you will, but training your mind to have a structured framework for getting back up is an incredibly liberating exercise once you get it down.
All of the examples I just mentioned have happened, one way or another, to me throughout my youth, and back then I was not nearly as well-adjusted or happy as I am now. This is not because I grew out of the phase where bad things happened - there's no such thing - but because I learnt to deal with loss, grief and how to get back up after I relapsed. Instead of channeling my emotions into selfhatred, shame, scratches and drunken weekends, I eventually trained myself to get back to where I was after reality kicked me out of flow. (I'll get to the exception in a moment).
I remember the first time it properly happened. I had my first high school exam, and I had done a masterful amount of prepwork... at least by my standards. Seriously, though, I was feeling great about it and actually looking forward to presenting and- I got the lowest passing grade. Now, to put this in context, my whole life I had gotten mid to high grades without putting in any effort, and always been told that if I just put in effort I could make it so much further. I was not even sad when I recieved my grade - not cuz of stoicism, but because I was so genuinely flabberghasted I did not know how to react.
As I went home, my mood gradually decreased, especially as everyone around me kept asking "what went wrong", and I continually had to supress the urge to tell them "Oh I actually put in effort this time, like you said!". But that evening, I had finally gotten to a point where I was mentally capable of comprehending the grade and the entire experience. So I ran it through again, and this time, I asked myself "What went wrong" like everyone around me had done before. And truth is? I don't know what went wrong. Even now, I don't get it. But back then it seemed pretty clear what was gonna happen now. A lifetime spent without effort was rewarded, the first time I really tried I was punished. And yet, the conclusion I came to that evening was "Eh, it was probably a one-time thing", which was an out of character level of maturity for a 15 year old boy with virtually no work discipline to present. And no, to this day I have no idea how or why I came to that conclusion back then, either.
Now, back to the whole "getting back up" thing, you may find after particularly important and/or traumatic events in life that you can't just return to everyday life. Maybe there is a new feeling in your mind that you know you can never get rid of, or maybe a part of "normal" dissapeared completely from your life. In these cases it is more important that ever to have a structure in your mind, so that when one aspect of life comes crashing down, the rest remains intact. You have to be emotionally prepared to adapt, because life doesn't wait for good times to kick you in the nads.
And this, near the end of a very long rant, is probably going to be the only time you will ever see me encourage religious-esque activity. Cuz asking yourself "what does the universe/God/Joe Roagan want me to learn from this" is plain and simply more effective than asking yourself "what can I learn from this" when you're facing something that sucks.
Humans are social creatures. Imagining the personifcation of your inner voice as a friend that wants you to be happy is a tool that shouldn't, but does, work for me. Maybe it will for you, too?
Fortifying not only makes you a happier person all around, but is also what permanently relieved me of my lack of confidence (and, to a lesser degree, my self esteem issues). Like many others, I felt like I was a barely functional product that was just barely able to make it through life. But truth is, as I kept proving the more I reviewed myself in different situations, that I was incredibly capable of dealing with actual problems. And so are you. You just have to look out for ACTUAL problems, which are easy to ignore, and stop looking at the imaginary problems that we love to give attention to.
Actual problem: My bike trie fell off and I didn't have my phone with me. (Solution, which I did not recognise myself doing until much later): Drive the remaining length to my destination, ask for someone's phone and call someone who could help pick me and the bike up later.)
Imaginary problem that same day: My voice is shaky, isn't it annoying for other people to listen to? ("Solution": Akwardly stop talking with this person who is interested in hearing what you have to say. Imagine if they started disliking you.)
So fortify yourself if you are worried, and focus on the small solutions you come up with everyday. You are the god of problem-solving, and this next trick to avoiding self-pity is all about that:
Understand who you are. That may seem like a tall order, but it's easier than you think. You are a human. You may think humans come from all sorts of weird places, but if you can't accept evolution, I mean, I don't know how you found yourself in my blog in the first place, cuz I don't dumb these things down for my readers. So we are fancy monkeys, less hair, more stamina, bigger brain, the works. What about it? Well, what are we meant to do? That's right! It's time to answer the meaning of life (kinda). I will argue that, by looking at our bodies, we can to a degree figure out what we are meant to do. Let's take a look at a cheetah. Cheetahs go fast. like 100kmph or 60mph fast. That's impressive, and you would have to assume that, on some level, the Cheeta is 'meant' to go fast. Let us now look at the humble dog. The dog is a wolf, but for humans! They are rounder, slower (both physically and mentally), cuter and much less scary. The dog is meant to be our pets! And it wants to be, too! Now for the human.
The human is.... uhh... well.. For starters, we have a straight back. Why? Because we have 2 legs. Why? Because we have 2 of our limbs as arms. These can move far more freely than our legs. Why? So that our hands can reach things in all sorts of ways. Why do they need to do that? Because humans are dynamic. We constantly try to one up ourselves and each other, and we don't just have one unique mechanic for one purpose. Right now, you are deriving meaning (hopefully) from looking at pixels on a screen that display the right photons in the right patterns to make this "g", and your brain is not only proccessing those symbols, getting meaning from them, but you may also write something yourself, where your brain both thinks what it wants to convey, turns it into a sentence, THEN makes your fingers press on buttons on a plastic board until your idea exists somewhere other than your mind. What?? That's an insane concept to think about! Armed with this knowledge, I challange you to ask yourself the next time you find yourself in a scary or unpredictable situation: "How am I gonna get out of this one??", because that's litterally what your mind is meant to do. That's right! The meaning of life is to solve problems?? Eh, maybe not, but it's probably a small part of the puzzle, so don't throw the idea out, okay?
With that, you should be well on your way to complain less, both to yourself and others. Remember to fortify and celebrate the small victories that you give yourself.
Love, Anthony.
Stoicism is an old philosophy which is only now starting to have a modern rennecaince with new ideas and concepts. This is great, because it allows us to develop brand new doctrine to fit the world around us, and terrible, because it means we don't have the answer for everything. However, one of the things that are being explored the most as of now is self-pity. This is a very prevalent state of mind in the western world, where it has become so common to complain about the small things that it can seem almost competitive.
Our ability to complain has combined with our ever-rising standard of living to create cartoonish complaints that we are gasping to share with the world around us, who are trying to voice their complaints. As Vers writes: "Alle kalder ud, men ingen gider at svare" (Everybody needs to be heard, but nobody is willing to listen). This has lead Neils Overgaard, a man I deeply respect and look up to, to create what he calls the "immigrant test": Basically, you take whatever thing is bothering you in the moment, and you imagine that you have to tell it to a mother of 5 children who has left Sudan, crossed the Sahara, been illegally exported across the Mediterranean, and finally landed in Greece, ready to live out the rest of her life at the lowest bottom of our society. Your task is now to look her in the eyes, and tell her about the problem that is letting you down, and if you think you can do that, THEN it is worth thinking about.
Self-pity is not the same as complaining, though. I would argue that self-pity is what happens when you systematically feel rightious to complain and the world around you validates this feeling. And what you're doing on a psychological level is train your mind to focus on the negatives and hold on to them, so that you can pass them on to others. Surely, my friends, a brain that only notices and focuses on the bad things is not a happy one, right?
So how do YOU avoid self-pity and the need to complain in general? Well, you're not out of options (though it may be tempting to say that you are). In this post, my advice will be to FORTIFY. Back in the day, people used to say "man up", but that's kinda turned into a toxic thing that means "push it down", and it's also only for men. So now we have the new word "fortify", which is much better. How do you fortify? That's up to you, but it should ultimately make you a more emotionally resilient person. Focusing on the next step can be a great way of fortifying, for example:
Your car breaks down on your way to work. You are going to be late. Do you: A. Have your mood be ruined over the situation, complain to your boss when they ask you why you are late, and get pissy when you get the repair bill? B. Accept that the situation is out of your hands, focus on getting your car towed and finding another way to get to work, and calmly explain to your boss that your car broke down and you still showed up ready to work?
It's entirely up to you, but option B is not only a calmer, more pleasant way to handle the situation, but it also makes you a more resilient being in the future, because your brain will recognise your handling of the situation and be calmer the next time something unpredictable comes up, thus marking the start of a good spiral.
There will be more in the next post, to make it easier to digest.
Love you all! - Anthony